


homestuck drabbles

by kapteeni



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, F/F, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-04-06 17:34:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 36,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4230735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kapteeni/pseuds/kapteeni
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>an eclectic collection of homestuck fics I still like but don't plan on finishing<br/>1. Eridan gets lost<br/>2. Sollux's helmsman runs out of memory (body horror)<br/>3. Fef & Kanaya discuss the dangers of the deep<br/>4. A bunch of superheroes get their chatroom hacked<br/>etc.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Ocean Has A Lot Of Secrets, But What Fish Don't Know Is That The Land Has Just As Many

Your name is Eridan Ampora, elite of the elite, cream of the fuckin crop and you are definitely, one-hundred percent, sure of where you are. If you happen to be a bit locationally disorientated it's because land, rather deceivingly, has absolutely no landmarks whatsoever. Fuck trees. Why are there so many. Why do they all look the same. Why does walking make your feet hurt so much. It's probably because your superior genetics designed you for the similarly superior form of matter, ignoring the fact that today was the first time you actually swam in a quarter of a sweep. (Your feet hurt so much because you are dragging them, and you did not wear shoes appropriate for a little unexpected misadventuring, which is highly inadvisable. One should always be prepared for surprises). 

That tree to the right with the green bits and grayish bark looks familiar, you think, because that’s what characters say in movies when they’re lost (you’re not lost, you are just drawing helpful parallels). It looks like every other tree you’ve seen since you washed up on shore and decided that a jaunty stroll through a forest would be just the thing to help you get your bearings (it did not help). 

You've been tromping through this forest for what is probably only a few hours but has felt like an entire solar cycle. Even you know that it would be dumb to stop and get some shut-eye in the middle of a strange tree cluster, most likely inhabited by vengeful polluting lowbloods who know the area, and you would deserve your inevitable gorey death (you may believe your blood makes you better in every single way, but you're smart enough to know that you would absolutely get pummeled in any sort of hand-to-hand combat). That doesn’t mean you have to like it. Not to mention the hideous leagues of the undead that will no doubt swarm these parts as soon as the moon goes down, though the thick foliage would probably block the worst of the sun's poisonous rays. Why did Vriska make you walk the plank (she did not make you walk the plank; she punched your shoulder and completely knocked you off your feet and into the water. You refuse to admit this). Did she just assume that you’d be alright because you’re a seadweller? Landdweller discrimination at its finest. You have a plethora of interesting and useful talents but magnetoreception has never been one of them. Hydrodynamic reception, maybe, if whales had consulted the horror terrors and decided on a spontaneous mass migration straight towards your hive and maybe had arrows painted on them, or moonfish made abstract but helpful impressions of navigational indicators. 

You really want to go to sleep. Sleeping is a deathwish. At this point, you’d build your pride a suitably fancy Troll Viking ship and throw in the ceremonial burning pillar yourself before kicking it out to sea for the chance to troll some chump who could be possibly convinced to help you. Too bad Vriska stole your phone. Seriously, fuck your kismesis. 

Your journey through the Hundred Acre Wood hasn’t exactly been devoid of arboreal destruction. Thankfully ninjareaping hadn’t ever been your career of choice (nor would it be, considering the massive workforce of bronze and rustbloods ready to lay down their grimy lives), because you would suck at it. You’re the worst at stealth, it is you. You realize this exactly when you see a bush acting a lot more suspicious than any ground hugging woody object has any right to be. You most definitely do not freak out, because you have faced much worse than an environmentalist lowblood in your short life and glorious career (remember that for your epitaph), and your last actions are not going to be screaming like a wiggler and brandishing your rigging knife (with handy folding marlinspike and Multi Purpose Utensil Used Mostly For Prying Open The Shells of Bivalve Molluscs included) with the sort of proficiency that would make you want to keelhaul yourself, if you had done that. Which you hadn't. That was definitely not a thing that happened. 

A pair of horns pop out of the apocryphal bramble. Troll horns, thank Gl’bgolyb. Not that it could be anything else, stupid. Magic isn't real, stupid, therefore things like the white hooftbeast who saws off unpatriotic trolls' head knobs and attaches them between its ganderbulbs before using the keratin to impale the deserving troll with its own sorry horns don't exist, no matter how much Kanaya tells you she saw one. Honestly, your auspice is sort of a bitch too. You have been doomed to be surrounded by all these flighty broads. In fact, you would not be surprised if you woke up one day absolutely covered in them. 

They also do not look like the kind of horns belonging to one of those monstrous lowbloods with the stupid huge muscles and piercings through their noses (Tavros. You’re thinking of Tavros). They look more like the kind of horns of a very young off-greenblood with ideas above their station and an over-compensating attitude, the kind that get killed off the second they take a step away from their lusus (said lusus then gets requisitioned by yours truly). You’re not going to high-dive for the chance to cull from the cradle but you’re not going to get yourself killed by a two sweeper because your were busy thinkin’ ‘bout ethics or the propagation of the species or anything dumb like that. 

You raise your rigging knife. A nest of black hair peaks out from beneath the obviously-not-a-real-bush. You are ready to take this fucker down in the noble art of hand-to-hand combat, the lost art of fisticuffs, a true gentleman’s battle (if gentlemen were idiots with a death wish). 

“Eridan?” the fake bush says. You drop your knife. Rule One of Knife Combat: Do not bring your knife to a gunfight (if possible, request an invitation specifying the type of fight. If not, bring a gun anyway. Only losers fight with knives). Rule Two of Knife Combat: Do not drop your knife, unless you are exchanging it for a gun. At this point, the empress herself should come down and berate you, because your continued survival is a disgrace not only to yourself but to the trolls who failed to cull you. You wouldn’t blame the empress if she just decided to bomb this whole area to weed out anyone who had ever had contact with your pathetic ass. 

The bush stands up. Sticks and leaves flutter to the forest floor, revealing an average looking troll whose most defining features are the two extremely sharp sickles being held in an extremely casual manner. You weigh your chances carefully. Situations like this require a bit of critical thinking. You crouch into a fighting stance. The troll raises an eyebrow. You twist around in one fluid movement and break into a dead sprint, crashing through other (hopefully less troll-concealing) foliage and almost running straight into a tree more than once. 

Behind you, you can just barely hear the other troll chasing behind you. He’s a lot less destructive than you are. Fear of deadly locals: confirmed. 

“Eridan, you mud-eating fuck, slow down!” he shouts, and he’s not even panting, which can’t even be fair. It’s not like you’re out of shape either, and your vascular pump feels like it’s going to pump itself right outta your ribcage. 

You trip over your own feet in your effort to swerve past a tree. Fuck trees, this isn’t how you wanted to die. You barely have enough mental capacity to hold out your hands and catch your fall, and the only reward is dropping your knife and cutting your hand open. Rigging knives shouldn’t even work like that. 

Your pursuer catches up with you easily after that. You hold up your good hand in a futile effort to stay his blade. “Wait,” you say, and damn your accent coming out at times like this. Wa-wa-wait. But fuck your pride, you want to live. “I got cash. Personal in with the heiress. Anythin’.” 

The troll looks at you like your lusus pukde outside his ‘coop and he just stepped straight in it. “I’m not going to kill you, and you definitely don't deserve Feferi if you'd betray her that easily.” 

“Huh?” you say, demonstrating your superior noble intellect. 

He squats down beside you, and you can’t help but notice how close his sickles are to your legs. The metal is perfectly shaped and sharpened to wrap around your throat and slice your head clean off. "I’m Karkat Vantas, you imbecile.” 

You open your mouth. You close your mouth. He doesn’t look like your idea of Karkat at all. Your Karkat was lowblood, short and looked like his lusus had eaten his comb when he was two sweeps old. Apparently the real Karkat is midblooded in a vague sort of way, with lean muscles that ripple up his arm reassuringly, if you wanted to be assured that this was a troll who was used to close-quarters fighting. He’s wearing a thick wool sweater with absolutely no sign anywhere; you had always thought that if you ever met him, you’d be able to guess his color in an instant, but he’s giving you no hints. Maybe the hemo-anonymous thing isn’t a tough-guy internet shtick after all. 

“Tell me something only Kar would know,” you demand. This is another movie cliché, but it makes you feel better. 

He taps the flat edge of his sickle against his chin. You consider shoving it into his throat. “When you were three you knit Feferi a scarf and she threw it away because she thought it was some shit a landdweller threw in the ocean, and then was mad at you for a whole nother sweep because she thought you forgot her hatch day, and you cried to me about it for a perigee. Now give me your hand, Ampora, you’re going to poison the plants with your worthless fish blood.” 

You lean in and wrap your arms around him. Karkat goes still. "I thought I was dead," you sniffle. 

He pats your back like he's afraid your spinal cord is going to grow spikes and impale him. "You're getting blood all over my good sweater," he says mildly as he tries to peel you off. You hold him tighter. 

Karkat attempts to stand, which was pretty dumb of him considering you're clinging to his neck like a southern Alternian tree-sleep beast. He ends up in a half-bent position with his hands spread out for balance. The sickles waving around your fins make the comfort of a real person a bit too endangering for your liking and you let go. 

You wipe your nose on your cape. "What the fuck," you say, voice shaded with as many subtle nuances as you can cram in. Pitiful probably stands out clearly though, even for a dirt-fucker like him. 

"What the fuck what," Karkat asks, with absolutely only one nuance: what the fuck. What. He's staring at you curiously, like he's never seen royalty before. Which he may not have, you realize. And you're not actually making the best impression right now. "Why are you here? Last time I checked, I was breathing air and not a combination of fish shit and poison." He slapped his hands against his auditory knobs. "Still not fins, like a normal sentient shitstain instead of a douchey one. Still not finding a reason for you to be wandering around my territory." 

His territory? You adjust your assessment of him from a greenish blood to somewhere around teal, or higher. Acquiring territory meant killing (or driving out) a substantial number of trolls. It might even explain why Karkat was sitting in a bush, but you couldn't think how for the life of you. He was still, of course, a moss pailing lowblood, but it was probably high quality moss, with a nice copulation platform and smooth jazz playing in the background.

"You haven't been trollin' me at all," you accuse in lieu of saying anything meaningful. You point a bedazzled finger at him (though less bedazzled than usual; in a weak attempt to grab your hand as you plummeted of her ship, Vriska managed to pull off some of your more valuable jewelery). "I've been wallowin’' in my own filth, cryin' 'Oh Kar won't talk to me glub glub sniffle. What have I done?'" You rest your hand on your hip. "Fuckin' tragedy. No one else can appreciate the finer qualities of East Alternian cinema like you, Kar. Fef laughs at me." 

Karkat seems very intent on burrowing a hole into the dirt with his toe. "So you came and visited me? What? Is my pansludge dripping out of my ears? No? My ears don't betray me? Because it's hard to believe that even you would be that skull-rottingly idiotic, but that's what it sounded like to my humble lowblood ears." He moves his arms when he talks, you notice. It's hard not to notice, considering how he took out a low-hanging branch with his sickle while trying to comprehend how dumb you are. 

You pout. "It's not like I came specifically to visit you or anythin'. I just happened to be in the area. I didn't even know what you looked like, come on." This is bullshit. You're out in the cold while a friend is standing right in front of you, and no plans have been made to bring you back to his hive, give up his 'coop and fridge for your comfort while he pretends he can afford to waste all his grub and curls up in the bathtub while you're oblivious to his whole ordeal. You'll leave in the morning, and never discover the price he paid for hospitality until you come back and find him starving on the floor, forcing you to mercy cull him, as is your noblesse oblige. Alternian movies can get heavy on the moral lessons. The lesson being that anyone poorer than you deserves to die. 

You pull your vest tighter around you. "C'mon Kar, just take me to your hive already." 

Karkat tenses up. "What?" He actually takes a small step away from you, as if you just called his lusus a member of a criminally dumb species and more off-white than the inside of a jadeblood's bedroom. "You expect me to play troll Kyo in TV Adaption Where A Member Of A Cursed Caste Brings Home A Pathetic And Hardworking Bronzeblood Who, After Their Lusus Died, Had Been Camping In The Cursed Castes' Territory, But Soon Becomes More Than Just A Slave But A Love Interest For At Least Three Members Of This Totally Fictional Caste Including The Most Cursed Heathenous Scum Whom Even The Others Ridicule. Contains Quadrant Smearing, Magical Creatures Warned To Be Possibly Treasonous Against The Empire, Psychics, Two Explosions and One On Screen Kiss? Because hell fucking no!" 

"I am a much more intrepid protagonist than troll Tohru, and I take offense to that oddly specific comparison." It was actually a worrying thing for Kar to reference. You didn't even know he had watched it. The series had taken you months to secure, and you'd even had to enlist Sol's help to cover your tracks. Troll Fruits Basket had been banned in over a thousand colonies for propaganda against the empire. If either of you had turned out to be undercover juggalos, you could have executed each other and all your quadrant mates right then and there. 

You look at him. He stares back. Neither of you make to reveal yourselves as a brainwashed slave to Her Imperious Condescension, or as any other sort of loyal citizen. This is not how you imagined you first meeting with your best buddy to be. 

Karkat’s frown is so deep that if this was a porn movie, you’d be worrying for the safety of more than one inner sanctum. His incisors rub the skin of his lip just slight of breaking point. You haven’t really been looking at him much, past the able sickle wielding and the insurgent speeches, but now you can’t tear your eyes away. It makes you want to take back your demand to be let in his house, or possibly force him to join your crew. His skin is a completely smooth, slate grey. Even the most beautiful models have a scar or two, if only to make them seem more realistic and pitiful, but Karkat’s like an ethereal being descended from some heaven to lecture on the benefits of good skin care and milk baths. In anyone else, you’d assume that they were so cowardly that they never got in any fights, but Karkat just looks like he’s never lost. Never even been close to losing. 

If you hadn’t turned out to be a friend, you would have been dead before you even realized he was in the area. It's a sobering thought. 

"Fine," Karkat grumbles, and yep, that's the Karkat you had imagined all right. He's gone from casually lethal to a full-on slouch. He's even stuck his hands in pockets, 'cause that's not adorable or anything. "Just don't mess anything up. I have a reputation in this town and none of it involves having brine blood anywhere but in the ablution as I clean it off my sickle, got it?" 

"Fuck, Kar, it's almost like you care," you mutter. You're just a little bit excited. Believe it or not, but you've never really been to anyone's hive before. Feferi, sure. Her hive was your (underwater) hive. You have a vague vision of being in the general area of Vris' before, but her lusus genuinely terrified you. 

Karkat glares at you. "Could you stop punching your shame globes long enough to search your pan for a decent explanation on why you are here?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Found this unfinished ficlet in one of my folders; liked it enough to post. Sorry for the abrupt ending - this work will not be continued. 
> 
> Kudos, comments, and constructive criticism are very much appreciated! 
> 
> (Bonus Round: Karkat knows what Eridan looks like because the idiot keeps on sending him selfies.)


	2. cut hiim up wiith a hoop-iiron razor

Your name is Sollux Captor and you run your battleship perfectly, even if it's not actually yours. You are pretty much singlehandedly responsible for the maintenance and crew of the entire ship. You don't mind though; it's a worthy price to pray to have the captain, the Empress Feferi Peixes, as your matesprit. And you must admit, you are pretty damn good at your job. 

But something's wrong. Most of the ship's computers are running slow, especially in navigation and FTL travel.This was the Empress’s ship - state of the art, top model. _Nothing_ should be malfunctioning this severally with her ship. 

You start at the surface. Just as you thought, nothing is wrong with the outside of the ships or has physically damaged the computers. You go deeper - power is just as high as it's always been, no one's sabotaging the works. However, the memory banks are almost completely full and there's a ridiculous amount of power churning away to an unknown source. Attempting to access the stored files - all videos - is rejected immediately, without even letting you try a password. You cut off contact - big mistake. The ship shudders to a stop and the lights go out for an hour. Oxygen levels begin to lower drastically until you reluctantly allow power to go to the unknown source. 

There's really only one choice at this point. 

You send a stupid greenblooded girl down first; you have no desire to go yourself, and you feel sick even thinking about it. So you don't. In fact, you completely forget about it until the greenblood runs up to you, panting like she ran all the way here from the center of the ship, and frantically reports her findings. 

He's nearly unresponsive to outside stimuli, would be dead if not for the millions of wires hooked up to his system. You know he hasn’t been touched in sweeps. They haven’t even been performing the needed routine checkup; he’d been running perfectly up till now. 

Your name is Sollux Captor and you’re going to have to do this yourself. 

He looks terrible, but then again, that’s a requisite of the helmsmen. After the game, after Feferi won the throne, after everything, there were meetings to be held. She wasn’t going to abandon you, but she wasn't going to let a stranger take your rightful place either. Fef was compassionate like that. But Eridan, on the other, hand...he was no stranger, and he had the abilities necessary to control a ship. That white science bullshit gave him enough of a psionic boost, and the whole yellowblood thing was really only government propaganda. The whole violetblood thing was government propaganda too, but propaganda in your favor didn’t really count as propaganda at all. 

So you ripped his skull open and stuck in probes and wires and needles coated in carbon in his brain and around his horns and left him to the professionals to train, however they did that. (Turns out it involves a lot of sensory deprivation and electricity zapped directly into the brain. When Eridan got back, he was such a mess you were worried that this would all be in vain, that he couldn’t pilot a ship at all). 

Inserting a helmsman into a ship requires even more bloody, terrible surgery. The installers laugh and joke around with you as they cut him open and tear out his bones (they have to, they explain. The suspended position required for function means that they have to replace his shoulder joints with artificial ones and reshape his bones). Anesthesia isn’t a thing you have, so Eridan screams and screams and cries so loud it rattles the ship and you thank every god out there that you told Feferi to get out of here for the installation. They have to account for him being a seadweller too - do their best to remove or seal-up the gills so there’s less chance of infection, take out the sea bladder and cut out the thin webbing between his fingers and toes. You don’t know why they do that, but they say it’s for the best. 

Then they fit him into the heart of the ship, stick tubes down his neck and in his groin for oxygen, nutrients, and waste disposal. They give you their number, thank you for the business, and leave as quickly as they came. 

It’d be hard to look him in the eye, if he really had any. You try not to think about how this was your fate, your life, that you saddled on him. 

“Helmsman?” you say, barely above a whisper. It doesn’t seem right to speak loudly in the helmsblock, surrounded by biotech and IV lines. You clear your throat. Years with Feferi has given you a certain amount of decorum your younger self would have been disgusted with. He is your ship, and he should answer you. “Helmsman!” you repeat, louder. 

A message appears on the large computer screen stationed in front of him, connected by a maze of tangled wires leading to his brain, wrapped around his horns. It was a formality - no one talked to helmsman, no one wanted to. Feferi had insisted you give him a way to communicate with you though. 

helmsman 01 of the royal fleet is inactive  
warning: internal memory bank is almost full

You groan. God damn it, you did not deserve this. You’re going to find out who was in charge of taking care of this stupid fucking piece of shit and cull them, the old-fashioned way. 

“Eridan! Eridan Ampora!” you shout, fighting your way closer to him. “I know you’re there!” 

The screen begins flashing at the sound of his name. You’re guessing no one’s called him that since the end of the game. 

...

Purple text was a good sign. Maybe. 

ERROR

Damn. 

Well, it’s obvious the slowed computer was due to the massive amounts of memory the helmsman had stored. You’ll figure out how to fix that first, then get some over excited rookie to come down here and fix everything else for you. It’s a good plan, you decide, as long as you can find whatever was supposed to store the internal memory in this mess. 

It takes you three hours, and costs you your patience. By the time you find it and manage to hook it up to a viewable screenport, you're just about ready to kill everyone on this fucking ship, including the helmsman. 

It's only idle curiosity that prevents you from deleting everything stored on the memory card right away; good thing you didn't too, he'd probably forget how to run the stinkin' ship. 

You're going to have to watch every single video log aren't you. 

They're stored in neatly categorized files; sorta unlike the Eridan you knew and hated, but then again, he's had a lot of time on his hands. 

There's a few files you skim over, ones with simple names like how to land or hyperspace shit. The first one you watch is mysteriously titled flus)(ed for you, date saved: 9/14/06. Maybe half a sweep after he was hooked up to the ship, you think. 

**=== > Watch the file**  


Your name is Eridan Ampora, you are 11 sweeps old, and you are most definitely not a helmsman. That would be ridiculous. 

You're at the beach with Feferi - you two have been planning this for awhile. The after-effects of the game complicated things for awhile; meetings to sort out, an empress to kill, people to see. But that's all done now, it's just you and her and the great big sea. 

She smiles up and you, and wow. Feferi is the most beautiful troll in the universe. Her eyes have finally filled, the dark fuchsia reflecting your face in the moonlight. 

You're older now too, wiser, tougher. The troll you always wanted to be. 

"Hey Fef," you say, wrapping your arm around her. "I pity you. I always have, and I always will." You take her hands in yours, engulfing them. She's so small, and yet the whole world is being laid on her shoulders. 

How could you want to do any less than stay by her side and protect her forever.  
Her voice is as smooth as a pond when she answers you. "Oh, Eridan! I thought you would never...oh!" She stands on her tiptoes, wraps her thin arms around your neck, and kisses you. It's soft and gentle and everything like you've imagined. 

You kiss her back, hugging her close to you. 

You both break away at the same time, gasping for air and smiling at each other. 

**=== > Be the callous nerd**

You've always been the callous nerd and thank god you're able to click out of that one. It was about to become a bad seaddweller porno. And Feferi was totally out of character, holy shit. Eridan may have been dramatics personified but he couldn't write a decent script if it killed him.  


You glance up, sneering, at the limp body of the helmsman hanging next to you. What a loser.  


You click the next link out of morbid curiosity. It’s some audio anyway. 

**=== >Listen to the file**  
HOWW COULD THEY DO THIS HOWW HOWW HOWW WWHY MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP PLEASE.mp3 created 9/20/06

Your name is Eridan Ampora, you are 11 sweeps old, and how could they have done this to you!? 

You're a highblood, a seadweller, friend of the empress! How _dare_ they?! 

**_HOW DARE THEY_ **

**=== > Grab a pair of headphones**

Thank god that particular soundbite didn’t blast it’s way through the entire ship. You wrench your mobile huskdevice out of your pocket and send a quick message to the third mate. This project may take awhile, and you’re not going to admit you’re interested. 

twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling  mammonicPeon [MP]

TA: 2up armanii ii’m goiing to be down in the helm2block for awhiile  
TA: don’t waiit up  
TA: that wa2 a joke ii know you have trouble wiith those  
MP: I wAsn’t plAnnIng On It  
MP: dO yOU wAnt the EmprEss tO bE InfOrmEd  
TA: eh why bother  
TA: iif anyone cares go ahead and tell em  
TA: iit doe2n’t really matter ii ju2t diidn’t want to be acciidently locked iin and diie down here or 2omethiing  
MP: OkAy.  
MP: I wIll sEE yOU lAtEr thEn.  
MP: gOOdlUck In yOUr EndEAvor sIr

twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling  mammonicPeon [MP]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written may 26, 2013


	3. deep sea fish anatomy

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CA]  


GA: Have I Ever Told You How Troubling The Culler In Your Name Is  
GA: I Understand That Your Meaning Is Radically Different Than The Norm  
GA: But I Feel As If I Am Communicating With A Girl Likely To Snap At Any Moment Overuse The 2x3dent  
CC: T)(AT’S SEA-Ly  
GA: Sealy  
GA: Interrogation Particle  
CC: SILLY!! )(a)(a t)(hat was a STR----ETC)(  
CC: But let’s swim down to bassiness  
GA: Feferi You Know My Stance On Fish Puns But If You Insist On Stretching Their Limits In Such An Obscene Fashion I Simply Will Have To Revoke Your Right To Their Use  
GA: That Was A Joke  
CC: I cod t)(at!  
GA: In All Seriousness I May Have To Make Use Of A Translator  
CC: Noooooooooooo 38{  
CC: T(e nig)(t a transealator comes between M--E and my fis)(mesis is t)(e day I’m CULL-ED!  
CC: And not in the good way  
GA: There Is No Good Way  
GA: But In All Seriousness I Need A Reliable Source On Sea Trolls  
CC: 38?  
GA: Is There Anything Specific You’d Need To Know If You Met One  
GA: Hypothetically  
CC: Besides me?  
CC: Because we’ve already met, silly!  
GA: Of Course Besides You  
CC: T)(en you will )(ave to --EXPAND on the hypot)(etical! Sea trolls are very diverse  
CC: (Did you sea t)(at? *Dive*rse glub glub glub)  
GA: Im Ignoring That  
GA: Hypothetically Say  
GA: A Good Friend Of Mine Is Meeting His Online Hatefriend Which He May Have A Flushcrush On  
GA: This Seadweller Is Possibly Very Dangerous Especially To This Friend  
GA: And Schoolfeeding Doesn’t Have Much To Say On The Topic Of Defending Yourself From Seadwellers For Obvious Reasons  
GA: My Hypothetical Friend Wishes To Know If There Is Anyway To Defend Himself In Case Of An Accident  
GA: And If There Is Any Extra Advantages That A Seadweller May Have  
CC: I don’t t)(ink it’d be smart for Karcrab to meet Eridan 38[  
CC: )(e is V----ERY V----------------ERY DANG---EROUS!!  
CC: --ESP---ECIALLY to landwellers  
GA: What  
GA: Where Did You  
GA: How  
GA: I Reread Those Logs And I Didnt Make Any Mention Of Karkat Or Eridan  
GA: Where Did You Get That Impression  
GA: That Extremely Incorrect Impression  
CC: Durrrrrrrr  
GA: Dont Tell Karkat I Told You  
CC: )(-E)(-E maybe I crill!  
CC: *w)(ale  
CC: Because I gotta glub all T)(AT to crabby pants MYS--ELF!  
CC: Obfishsly  
GA: How Is That Obvious  
CC: I’m not gonna tell my fishmesis all the TOP S-EACR--ET S-EADW-ELL-ER STUFF  
CC: Dumbass 38D  
GA: Please Tell Me That Was Not A Subtle Play On Ass And Bass  
CC: )(A)(A)(AA  
GA: Damn  
GA: Fine Tell Karkat Yourself  
GA: I Dont Care  
CC: And if Karcrab lets a SINGLE GLUB aboat t)(is escape )(is fat mouth, I’ll stitc)( it s)(ut!!!  
CC: glub glub

cuttlefish Culler [CC] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written around may 14, 2014 
> 
> for kink meme prompt: " _any seadweller, deep sea fish anatomy, possible stuffing/vore._ Many deep sea fish have unhinging jaws and expandable stomachs for eating larger prey. For this prompt, seadwellers have a similar anatomy. Landdwellers can't do this and it squicks them out.  
>  Can be stuffing or vore or anything you want. If vore, digestion is okay but non-lethal is also okay. Gore is welcome and encouraged.  
> If you want to include pairings, anything is okay."


	4. donut tim

TG: im just having a hard time believing a donut will have a significant impact on anyones future  
TG: anyone sane  
TG: sure donut tim the man who has never once left the corner of dunkin donuts  
TG: icing smeared across his face  
TG: eyes glazed over  
TT: Puns are the lowest form of humor.  
TG: youre just jealous  
TG: anyway sure a missed donut may be catastrophic for donut tim  
TG: but i am not donut tim  
TT: No, because you are Doughnut Dave, renowned worldwide for your strict adherence to the Doughnut Code, which requires you to eat every doughnut in sight, no matter the plush rump that may or may not have been rubbed against it.  
TG: my bro just doesnt leave out food ok  
TG: this is a legitimate concern  
AA: n0 matter y0ur desci0n here there will be a timeline where you eat the d0ughnut  
EB: don't let that other dave asshole get your donut dude!!  
EB: you have got to be the brave one  
TG: fuck  
TG: ok im going for it

carcinoGeneticist [CG] joined chatroom!

AA: thats n0t really h0w parallel universes w0rk but 0kay  
TT: It seems we have a guest?  
EB: holy shit!!!  
EB: code RED  
EB: get your passwords in hand everybody, we have got a .... SECURITY BREACH  
TT: A possible but unlikely security breach.  
EB: A SECURITY BREACH  
TG: that donut definitely had seen smuppet ass  
TG: that was an ass-tainted food if i ever ate one  
TG: it was simply the worst there was  
EB: WHO ARE YOU?!  
EB: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH DAVE??  
EB: oh, my dear friend, how can i begin to mourn?  
EB: through....revenge?  
TG: um holy shit  
TG: rose? i could do with that exploratory word vomit youre so good at rn  
CG: THIS IS THE SHODDIEST EXCUSE FOR A SECRET SOCIETY I HAVE EVER SEEN.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written june 23, 2014


	5. Bloody Junkie AU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based off of the manga "Bloody Junkie" by Hasumi Natsume

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --

EB: hi  
EB: jadeee  
EB: jade don't you have fancy technology that allows you to be on pesterchum 24/7?  
EB: haha it's fine if you don't answer  
EB: but i know you're stuck in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do but commune with nature and there's this new show online  
EB: online see so YOU can watch it  
EB: you have to pay, but i still think you should check it out

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --

 

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \-- 

GG: sorry john!!  
GG: i was watering my pumpkins and i fell asleep again :B  
GG: and i have plenty to do!!!!!  
GG: but i will check it out 

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \-- 

Your name is Karkat Vantas, you are pretty sure you're not at your hive, and you are very confused. 

You haven't quite worked up the courage to open your eyes yet, but the floor beneath you feels decidedly more like cold stone than it does like lukewarm sopor slime. Perhaps you just need to change it. Your lusus always told you (or tried to convey to you, through a series of irritated clicking sounds and interpretive crab dances) horror stories about grubs who never bothered to clean their recuperacoons and woke up to the feeling of maggots crawling all over their skin, or to the feeling of being suffocated. 

Hello participants! Sorry to keep you waiting! But it seems that everyone is now awake. 

You sit up with a jerk as the voice filters through your hazy mind. The sudden movement leaves you feeling dizzy, but now that your eyes are open, you can take in your surroundings. 

It’s definitely not your hive. 

You’re in a barren room, lined floor to ceiling with roughly hewn stones. A wooden door is directly in front of you, and a fashionable looking canvas bag lies to your left. 

These observations leave you even more confused then before, but your bullshit sensors are tingling. 

The game will start when you leave your room. Be careful, because if you don’t leave your room within five minutes, you’ll be disqualified! Each participant is reminded not to forget the bag that has been placed inside their room. 

It’s that voice again. It sounds as if someone is standing right beside you. You reach up to your ear. 

A metal band has been shaped around your ear, like a particularly punk rock earring or a dorky athletic earphone. 

Now let the game start! and with that, yes, it’s confirmed that your wacky earpiece is the source of the announcer. 

“Bullshit,” you say outloud, and scramble to your feet. 

GG: he speaks!! i thought you would never start talking!  
TG: what like hed be mute the entire game  
TT: I think a mute character would be interesting. Their emotions would have to be expressed entirely through their expressions.  
TT: I would be the last to criticize this show for something like dialogue writing, but sometimes the actor’s improvisation can get a little cliché.  
TG: that makes it more realistic its part of its charm  
GG: isn’t this a show about murder though?  
TG: yeah  
GG: john made it sound like it’d just be guts and gore the whole time???! wheres the charm?  
TT: Dave has a very special view of the world, Jade.  
TT: My theory is that his violent upbringing with his “Bro” left him incapable of seeing affection - and with it, things like charm - unless it was expressed through bloodshed and fights to the death.  
GG: whoah!  
TG: dont listen to the witchs devil lies its all slander  
TG: johns mostly right but sometimes these guys try to give it a reality tv show flair  
TG: no dont kill me i have an overly emotional backstory 

 

You jerk at the earpiece. These are different voices from the announcer, but they all sound oddly mechanical. 

“Shut up,” you mutter, slightly distracted. You’re going through the very important business of mysterious bag-rummaging, which should not be hindered by the unrelated rantings of (possibly) people whose purpose you have yet to pay attention to. 

GG: so does he know whats going on?  
TT: It’s possible. Each character’s awareness of the situation is slightly different.  
GG: and he can hear us? 

“Yes,” you say. The only thing in the bag is a pair of shiny gauntlets. You hold them up for inspection. “What the everloving fuck am I supposed to do with these?” 

TG: youre supposed to get your kill on bro  
TG: rush out that door and go murder hungry with a pair of novelty gloves  
TG: challenge a serf to a gentlemanly duel  
TT: The gamemakers must think remarkably highly of you if they’re giving you a weapon that terrible.  
TT: I suppose you can use them for bludgeoning someone to death? Protection in case someone stabs you in the hand?  
GG: why does he swear so much?? :B  
TT: You’re supposed to establish your character early on.  
TG: hey asshole  
TG: you oughta get out of there chop chop  
TG: your five minutes are almost up bromie 

You swing the bag around your shoulder and make your way to the door. You’re still not sure what’s going on, but based on your track-record and the voice’s insistent mentions of death, you figure it can’t be anything like a surprise hatchday party. Maybe the Condence finally caught up to you and decided the best way to put an end to your rebellious shenanigans was to stick you in a small room and wait for you to high-five yourself to death with your metal gloves after getting sick of listening to a bunch of mechanical voices prattering on in your head. 

TT: Seeing as you still appear to be confused about your situation, I’ll take it upon myself to explain it to you.  
TT: You’re now in a nation-wide gameshow for the purpose of “killing” your fellow contestants.  
TG: yeah its sorta a big rip off  
TT: Us, the home viewers, give you input on your decisions.  
GG: i doubt any of us will be helpful though :(  
GG: im not sure i want you to kill anyone  
GG: it all seems really gross  
TT: The bag - and the gauntlets - are your only weapons, unless you manage to kill someone else and take theirs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written jan. 4, 2014


	6. something about dreambubbles

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and if you were a lesser troll, you would have bitten your nails into a bloody mass unable to be rescued by even the most skilled mudercurist in all of Alternia and surrounding colonies. As it is, you are passing the twisting hallways and unexplored corridors of the most uninteresting space rock all of paradox space has managed to wrap its collective nonconsciousness to produce. You would not even be surprised if a god popped into existence, momentarily warped the entire fabric of time and space and produced this meteor with a determined council of believers holding up blueprints and ooh-ing and aww-ing at how the god managed to create the most carefully engineered hunk of boringness in the universe. And when the god was finished, he nodded and said, "This rock will fill its divine purpose, and be utterly unable to distract anyone from any looming situation with its perfectly generic space walls and treasure chests filled with useless and often pornographic junk" and disappeared. And the dedicated council dispersed and dedicated their lives to finding the perfect specimen suited for this spontaneous heavenly wrath and settled upon you, Karkat Vantas. 

You pause. What are you avoiding, again? 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TG: yo asshole  
TG: you realize that you can’t actually run away from a dreambubble right  
TG: they are fucking behemoths of horror-created mindfuckery  
TG: a glacier if you will  
TG: slowly but inevitably approaching and we are the mammoths and small furry animals fleeing its wake only to be crushed by the approaching ice  
TG: i am the mammoth and you are the small furry animal  
TG: dont worry your twitchy little rodent head karkitty  
TG: latch onto my hide with your freaky alien claws and shelter from the storm  
TG:i will protect you  
TG: jk were all doomed  
TG: i warned you bro  
CG: WHAT WOULD I EVER DO WITHOUT YOUR TORTUOUS STORIES GRACING MY MESSAGE BOX  
CG: WAIT I KNOW. I WOULDN’T DO ANYTHING BECAUSE THEY’RE FUCKING STUPID. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY I LOOK AT MY HUSKTOP, SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE RESERVED FOR LEADERLY DUTIES AND IMPORTANT NOTICES ONLY, AND HAVE TO RESIST THE URGE TO STICK MY FREAKY ALIEN CLAWS STRAIGHT INTO MY GANDERBULBS AND RIP THEM OUT OF MY THICK SKULL AND THROW THE REMAINS OF MY DRIPPING APPENDAGES STRAIGHT INTO YOUR STUPID HUMAN LIGHT REPELLENT EYE FIXTURES.  
TG: theyre called sunglasses bro but nice try  
CG: IM NOT DONE  
CG: AND EVEN WHEN I AM COMPLETELY BLIND YOU WOULD STILL PROBABLY FIND A WAY TO MAKE MY LIFE EVEN MORE COMPLETELY MISERABLE  
CG: THATS NOT EVEN MENTIONING HOW EVERY FUCKING TROLL HERE SEEMS TO BE ABLE TO SEE EVEN IF THEY LACK ANY SORT OF REASONABLE ORGAN FOR IT. I'D ADAPT A WHOLE NEW SENSE JUST TO TORTURE MYSELF READING YOUR MESSAGES.  
TG: i knew you secretly loved them  
TG: secret haha like you can hide anything from me  
TG: ive known all along you wait in your room cuddled in blankets and staring at the phone like a freshman girl with her first boyfriend wondering if shes supposed to send nudes  
TG: the answer: yes send me nudes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written april 23, 2014


	7. D3L1C1OUS S3CR3TS TO 1NV3ST1G4T3

\--CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW opened memo D3L1C1OUS S3CR3TS TO 1NV3ST1G4T3.--

\--CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG] from viewing memo!-- 

CGC: WH4T 1S 1T 4ND WHY DO3S H3 K33P 1T 4 S3CR3T?

\--PAST arsenicCatnip [PAC] from TWO DAYS AGO replied to memo-- 

** PAC: :33< is it really any meow businips?  **

**PAC: :33 < if karkitty doesnt want to tail us, we shouldnt talk behind his back!! 33:<**CGC: OBJ3CT1ON CONS1D3R3D BR13FLY, TH3N D1SM1SSED  
CGC: HOW3VER GR3G4R1OUS TH3 V1OL4T1ON OF PR1VACY, 1 4M V3RY CUR1OUS  
CGC: B3S1D3S, ART1CL3 34 OF TH3 LOWBLOOD (H3MOCORR3CT RED TO Y3LLOW) R1GHTS AND DUT1ES 4CT ST4T3S H3MOCOLOR MUST NOT B3 K3PT S3CR3T 1F 1MPL1C1TLY 4SKED  
CGC: 1T DO3S NOT M4TT3R 1F TH3 4SK3R 1S 4 LOW3R BLOOD OR NOT  
CGC: SO T3CHN1C4LLY W3 4R3 PR3V3NT1NG K4RK4TS FURTH3R SL1D3 1NTO D3B4UCH3RY 4ND POSS1BL3 1NCR1M1N4T1ON

\--PAST centaursTesticle [PCT] from TWO DAYS AGO replied to memo-- 

PCT: D--> I agree  
PAC: :33> equius! PCT: D--> Based solely on his coarse language, I would say he was quite low.  
PCT: D--> Possibly a dirtblood. 

\--PAST adiosToreador [PAT] from A WEEK AGO replied to memo-- 

PAT: i WOULD LIKE IT, iF YOU DIDNT USE THAT PARTICULAR TERM,,  
PAT: iM QUITE CONFIDENT THAT ITS CONSIDERED, bY MOST, tO BE A SLUR  
CGC: 4GR33D SLURS 4R3 NOW B4NN3D  
PCT: D--> You do not command me  
PAC: :33> weve purred about this equius  
PCT: D--> Fine  
PCT: D--> But ignoring his language, he possesses innate leadership and a natural disdain for the  
PCT: D--> Lower classes  
PCT: D--> That can only belong to a highblood  
CGC: OR 4N 1MPUD3NT LOWBLOOD >:D  
PAT: kARKAT SEEMS LIKE A NICE GUY  
PAT: hE IS VERY PASSIONATE

\--FUTURE apocalypseArisen [FAA] from SIX HOURS FROM NOW replied to memo-- 

FAA: he t0ld you t0 st0p playing games f0r girls when vriska threw y0u 0ff the cliff  
PAT: wELL, iT WAS SOUND ADVICE  
PAT: i WAS IN WAY OVER MY HEAD  
FAA: he still sh0uld have helped!

\--CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] RIGHT NOW replied to memo-- 

CAG: ughhhhhhhh, i cant 8elieve you're STILL not over that :::/  
CAG: i helped you, reme8er pupa???Its not MY fault if you're too weak to appreciate it  
  
CGC: W3R3 NOT GO1NG TO R3ST4RT TH1S H3R3 R3M3MB3R: K4RK4TS BLOOD COLOR  
CAG: Definately a 8lueblood!  
CAG: Hes your 8f and you havent even SEEN it yet???????? Pretty pathetic, Pyrope.  
CGC: I C4NT S33  
PAC: :33> theyre not dating!  
PAT: aWKWARD

\--FUTURE twinArmageddons [FTA] FOUR HOURS FROM NOW replied to memo-- 

FTA: dont clog up the chat wiith your relatiion2hiip problem2  
FTA: iit hurt2 the bee2 tz  
FTA: thiink of the bee2  
CGC: WH3N 4M 1 NOT TH1NK1NG OF TH3 B33S  
CGC: BUT TH3 C4S3 R3M41NS B33S OR NO  
CGC: TH3 C4S3 1S JUST S1TT1NG OUT H3R3 UNSOLV3D AND UGLY  
CGC: TH3 B33S W1LL H4V3 TO SUCK 1T UP!  
FTA: fiine  
FTA: when the 2erver crashe2 you have to take full responsibility  
FTA: ii thiink kk2 a hiighblood  
FTA: 2ome purple2not who played pea2ent and ii2 too much of a 2hiit two realiize when to drop iit  
CGC: TH3 COURT H4S T4K3N TH1S TH3ORY 1NTO CONS1D3R4TION

\--CURRENT caligulasAquarium [CGA] RIGHT NOW replied to memo--

CGA: wwrong  
CCA: wwell hes not a seadwweller thats for sure  
CCA: at the vvery highest im going to say juggalo  
CCA: kar doesnt knoww a swwim bladder from a sea urchin  
FTA: tz block hiim  
CGC: W3 MUST WA1T FOR TH3 SURPR1S3 W1TN3SS TO L4Y DOWN H1S 3VID3NC3  
CGC: TH3 COURT WILL 34T H1M 1F 4 F4LS3 MOV3 1S M4D3  
FTA: fiine  
CCA: im glad evveryone here is appreciatin this wwisdom  
CCA: fuckin landdwwellers god  
FTA: tz  
CGC: TH3 COURT COMM4NDS THE W1TN3SS TO STOP D1LLY-D4LLY1NG 4ND G3T ON W1TH 1T  
CCA: kars definitely not a highblood  
CCA: i wwouldnt be surprised if he had literal shit runnin through his vveins  
CCA: ivve nevver seen a troll less highblooded  
FTA: how do you know  
CCA: i imagine itd be hard for scum like you  
CCA: evven fef thought he wwas at least indigo at first

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a mash up of two fics written on nov. 18, 2014 and may 14, 2014


	8. fill our stomachs ; fill our hearts / cooking dont last but kissing do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in this horrible trouble?”  
> -The Importance of Being Earnest; Oscar Wilde

\--gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]\-- 

GC: TH3R3'S NO W4Y 1 C4N G3T YOU OUT OF TH1S ON3 K4RK4T  
GC: 1M SORRY>

\--gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]\-- 

 

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you are royally screwed. Hopefully, royal will never stop being a extremely stupid adjective for your situation, because if it did, you would...you would...you would probably do something characteristically off the wall and stupid you would end up regretting ferociously for what remained of the rest of your pitiful excuse for a life. You can’t think of the specifics right now, but when you get around to forming them, the world had just better watch out, because Karkat Vantas, the renowned non-literal royal fuckup, is going to do something awful, again. 

One day you are going to sit down and make a comprehensive list of everything you have ever done wrong, with cross-references to related failures and sorted by date. It will start with you managing to crawl out of the brooding caverns alive, in some mistaken belief that your life might be sort of alright. 

If your grub-self had ever known that one day you would be rotting in the cell (brig? it sounds like something only someone so brine-addled as to deny rational thought would say, so: yeah) of the Battleship Condescension...well, it’d probably do something stupid like burp or wiggle its antennas but _then_ it would roll over and die, completely disgusted at its future self's failures. 

“Okay, I get what you’re saying here, I do, but he is actually the least attractive sea-troll I’ve seen? Like, he has got to have blinded a few jadebloods when he was hatched, that’s the level of butt-fucking ugly I’m talking about here,” Guard Number 1 says. She looks like a mid-level blueblood, low enough for this ship that she got stuck with guard duty. Her back’s towards you, but huge pike she’s leaning on confidently is enough to deter you from any foolish shenanigans. 

“Have you ever read anything by him though?” That has to be Guard Number Two, though you can’t see her. “It’s beautiful. I used to think slam poetry was all boasts and bad rhymes, but Gridas found a way to have _rhythm_. And if you ever listened to him perform In Which I Go Over In Great Length My Sexual Prowess With Thinly Veiled Innuendo And Complement Objects Of My Flushed Desire And Their Beauty In Exactly A Hundred Verses, Ten Of Which Are References To Other Works, And Seventeen Of Which Have Confusing Mixed Metaphors That Are Nevertheless Hilarious, Etc., you would be flushed for him too! ” 

“But his face! And his horns! If Gl'bgolyb sat on him I think it might be a plausible excuse for _maybe_ half of his deformities, but even the Vast Glub couldn’t do that much damage to a troll.”

“The beauty is in the words, Fro. I just wish I could get him to notice me.” Guard One lets out a wistful sigh. You hope that if you have to stay in this cell for a while, the plot gets more a little more interesting. You didn’t even know seadwellers were allowed to do slam poetry without getting kicked out of the Nautical Aristocracy and into plain ol' Landdwelling Aristocracy. 

In movies, getting confined to a cell with two blueblood guards never turned out to be this bulge-rottingly boring. If you ever get out, you will personally right a six page, double-sided letter to the producers of In Which A Renegade Pirate Running Away From His Ex-Kismesis, A Psychopomp Who Has A Gl'bgolyb-Like Lusus, Finds A Highblooded Female Drowning, Etc. and complain about the unrealistic expectations it gives young Alternians. 

“You know who is cute?” Guard One says, lowering her voice. “Cuofoc. She’s the living definition of dreamy.” 

“Yeah, if dreamy means douchebag! Plus, she’s a juggalo. You don’t even know what she really looks like, under all that paint.” 

“But they call that their real face, so --” Somewhere outside your cell, someone’s struggling to open a door, with much swearing and rattling of keys. 

“Oh my gosh, that's gotta be him,” Guard Two says. “How do I look? Does this helmet make my horns look nubby?” 

"Not as nubby as Mister High-Level Prisoner over there," Guard One sneers, pointing an jeweled thumb at you. You hiss. It is not very effective. 

Guard Two’s flushcrush eventually manages to open the large iron door into the brig. He does have a face like a musclebeast’s ass. Other than that, he’s average seadweller height, pushing the line between muscular and fat. His hair is too short and his arms are too long. 

“That door is rusted,” he points out. You instantly peg him as a bonafide genius. The door - rusted! Amazing. You’re glad to know the trolls currently running the empire are smart enough to handle it capably. 

Guard Two giggles. 

“Her Imperious Condescension has ordered the presence of that prisoner immediately.” He points at you. Shit. Shiiiit. Why did you ever think that this cell was boring? Past you was stupid. You love this cell. You want to stay in this cell forever. They cannot make you come out of this cell. 

It takes them a whole of five minutes for them to pry you out of your cell. Guard One and the flushcrush are both nursing bleeding scratches and bite marks. It’s not exactly what you wanted your last aggressive act to be, but it will have to do. 

You can now say, in full confidence, that you are _royally fucked._

The seadweller and a random purpleblood,(who appeared right after you were forced out of the cell - apparently lowly bluebloods aren’t allowed to see The Condesce), escort you through the glistening clean halls. You hands had been cuffed behind your back, and if it wasn’t made to be a grim parody of your stuck-up ancestor, you would absolutely shit yourself in sheer surprise (definitely not fear). 

The seadweller flushcrush nudges you, a sharp elbow to the gut that nearly doubled you over. “Try to at least look decent for the empress,” she said. “This is going to be the most important event in your life.” 

“And also the last,” the seadweller giggles. Not only thugs, but cliché ones. In your letter to the movie producers, you will have to give them credit for what is, to your eternal disappointment, realistic thug talk. If your notable experience with movies is to be trusted, and it has never failed you yet, they will soon be slain and forgotten in your upcoming, last-minute rescue by your friends. 

Any minute now. 

When you finally get forcibly stopped in front of a ridiculously tall door, you accept that your friends have either failed miserably as usual, or don't actually care about you that much. Either way, rescue was not punctual enough to save your sorry ass. You are going to get culled by the Condesce, they will find you rotting in a pool of your own heinous blood, and you will be the moral of the story. Or she’ll send you back in three separate packages like you did to that spy you caught. Fuck, why didn’t you _think_ before you did that? It was probably someone important and you butchered them like so much grubloaf and now the same thing’s going to happen to _you_. 

The seadweller gulps nervously, shoots you an angry glance (like you’ll laugh at him or something, as if you're in any position to passing judgment on fear levels), and walks in. He’s practically bent in half before he opens the door in a misguided effort to bow. “Your Imperious Condescension, the mutant-blooded rebel leader you requested is here.” 

She must have given him some signal, because he pulls you in so quickly you almost trip over your own feet. The purpleblood scurries after you. 

She is absolutely as regal as you imagined her. While there’s no doubt of her relation of Feferi, she’s older, grown into herself. You can see the power she wields clearly, millions of sweeps of absolute control over a steadily growing empire rests on her shoulders, and she still sits straight in her throne. 

Okay, you might have had a bit of a respect-crush on the Condesce when you were younger. You are so over it now though, really. 

_She grins at you, shark teeth pointed to a knife-tip. You gulp._

_“You two bassholes get otter here, express,” she says. It’s less than regal. The guards fall over themselves trying to get out._

She gestures for you to come forward. You pick your way around discarded fish bones. You’re going to die you’re going to die you’re going to die you’re walking towards your death you will become another bone on this fucking floor this will just not stand this is stupid; god you do not want to die. 

“Whale, aren’t you just the CUTEST little guppy I got myself all aquainted with.” You swear to Gl'bgolyb she is _gushing_ at you. If she were Feferi, this would be the point with hugs and lots of jumping up and down. “You’re so much betta lookin’ than all those rebel vids make yah look. This is shrimply the best!” 

Oh my God. 

__She slips gracefully off her throne, her hair flowing behind her like a bridal train, and walks towards you. “Oh Em Gee,” she whispers. “So coddamn cute. I am dophinitely keepin’ you.”

__

__*_ _

__

__You first see him in a fuzzy recording of one of the few battles against the rebellion found in a helmsman’s external memory. He’s a less blurry blur probably standing on the outline of a particularly blurry thing you think might be a hill. It’s a less than impressive experience. You wouldn’t have noticed at all if your officer hadn’t made a point of it._ _

__The officer didn’t last long after that, but rebellious mutant apparently did. He next appeared in the background of a recording your descendent had managed to broadcast to every television and husktop in the empire, declaring some shit about a new age or something. He had scowled angrily at the camera, made a face, and ducked out the the shot._ _

__You rewound that video more often than you would like to admit. He reminded you of something, like a nice dream you had as a teenager that you had forgotten about until now._ _

__That’s when you hire the first spy. He lasts about a week, before being sent back in three different packages and a strongly worded note from the Sufferer’s descendent himself._ _

__The second spy lasts longer, maybe half a perigee. He comes back alive, missing a hand, an eye and the tip of his nose. However, he manages to salvage information where he didn’t quite manage it with body parts. You learned possible battle plans, what the motivation was behind trying to get your lil’ ancestor on the great big throne, and that he was a ball of badly contained anger. You had Spy #2 culled for returning before you ordered him too, but not before promoting him for bringing valuable information and gaining the enemy’s trust._ _

__Spy three refused to do more than tell you this name, Karkat Vantas, but he was too valuable to cull and too highblooded to demote._ _

__Spy four managed to get you more information than you knew what to do with. But by far the most important thing she managed to get was that he personally led every single battle. Without fail._ _

__That was the information that lead to his capture. Really, what kind of captain leads all of his battles? It was like waving a giant banner proclaiming “I’M RIGHT HERE! CAPTURE ME, PLEASE!!” It also shows a level of attachment to troops that is not only unprecedented, but almost unthinkable. And stupid._ _

__And now, he stands in front of you for the first time, and he is every bit as adorable as you imagined. Karkat’s got a rough mid-to-low-blood height and the figure to match. Most lowbloods are skinnier from a combination of their social status and a high metabolism working in tandem to kill them as quickly as possible. This guy’s got a layer of fat that’s so useless you’d suspect it’d be for vanity, if he wasn’t busy playing rebel leader and all. Might not be able to count his ribs, but if he were a oinkbeast he wouldn’t be worth slaughtering._ _

__You have made a habit of treating everyone lower than you like oinkbeasts. It has not served you wrong so far. Karkat Vantas’s entertainment value outweighs his value dead. He is not worth the slaughter, not yet._ _

__He’s standing tall and proud, even alone in front of _you_. His jaw is quivering, but his eyes are filled with justified rage. You absolutely CANNOT wait to make him your pet. _ _

_ <3 _

__You gently grasp the chains around his arms and lead him forward. You can almost hear his mind snapping._ _

__He stops walking and takes a deep breath. “No,” he says. “I will not - I absolutely refuse - to be led around your lair like some fucking yipbeast. You are either going to kill me, or you are not and you had better make your mind up already because I am not going to put up with this any longer. This whole system is the stupidest I ever was forced to lay my ganderbulbs on. I was left alone for weeks in a sticking cell, rotting in a corner with two gossiping guards that made me want to reach my claws in through my ears and tear my brain out so I wouldn’t have to put up with another moment, and I was marched to what I thought would be my execution. If you were any decent excuse for a tyrant, it would have been my execution, but you can’t even do that correctly, which is probably another reason why this empire is in ruins! Which it is! And now I’m being _fish-punned at_ , like it’s the highest form of humor, or even worse, a legitimate way of speaking and I give up with this.” He attempts to throw his hands up theatrically at the end, but the thick chains seem to be a bit of a hinderance. He ends up almost flipping himself completely. _ _

__“I hate to burst your bubble, but actshoally, you were in the brig maybe two days?” Not a week. You definitely would have remembered if he were brought in a week ago, because you’ve been angling for this catch for like, a year. You wonder how you’re supposed to unlock these chains. Is there a key somewhere, or something?_ _

__“If that is the ONLY thing you got from that whole speech, you have more issues than I thought. Assholeness is a major one. You’re a major asshole. Huge. The biggest asshole ever to ass in the history of enormous douchebags. Congratu-fucking-lations, your prize is a certificate for participation and the knowledge that you’ve managed to make everyone’s lives that much more miserable.” Man, does this little guy ever shut up? How did he manage to make it this far without being assassinated by someone who just wanted a little peace and quiet?_ _

__“You know what? At this point I’d rather you stick your pointy overdone trident in my bloodpusher, maybe give it some extra pokes into my glance nuggets, just so I wouldn’t have to deal with this hoofbeast shit. Dying would be a fucking dream land full of happy unicorns and two-headed cats dancing around in a sopor-induced perpetual happiness forever and ever compared to this mess, and it takes a lot to make two-headed cats look preferable to anything.”_ _

__“Water you even complainin’ aboat?” you grumble. You finally give up with finding a key and snap the chains in half. He’ll still have the shackles on, but at least he can move without sounding like 12th Perigree’s Eve came early and, without time to decorate, Santa just threw bells on everything. “I dolphinitely ain’t gonna krill you or anyfin. So quit a’whaling aboat it and follow me.”_ _

__

__*_ _

__

__You have faced many things in your short, inadequate life. An enraged Feferi, a battlefield of thousands of trolls who either are willing to die protecting you or die and take you down with them, and that one incident you promised never to talk about involving a teddy bear, a whisk, and Equius. You are not prepared to face the empress._ _

__You think you may have gone finally done the athletic fucking pirouette off the deep end you’ve always been expecting, because you’re pretty sure you actually started yelling at Her Imperious Condescension, and you are still breathing. And you’re not missing anything vital, except your sanity, but that wasn’t really that vital anyway. Maybe now you’ll be able to understand what the braindead idiotic shitwipes you’ve labeled “friends” for lack of a more encompassing term are always blathering on about._ _

__Come to think of it, she might actually be leading you to some sort of mass culling ground, where your freaky blood can be of maximum entertainment to highbloods, second only to some sort of cannibalistic garish made of your blood, shameglobes, and your all-encompassing hate. She is smiling like she’s leading you to be slaughtered._ _

__You follow her out of some backdoor hidden as inconspicuously as possible for a Peixes (pretty damn visible for anyone who isn’t blind, with some notable blind exceptions). You’d try to escape, but where could you go? This place is crawling with military types loyal to the Empress. The only one who might help you is Ampora, but you don’t know if he’s even on this ship, let alone if he’d be willing to risk his precious position for someone like you. You couldn’t try and steal an escape pod, because you have no idea where they are, if they have passwords locking them up, or if this is the fucking troll Titanic and the Empress just expects everyone to go down with the ship._ _

__You are pretty sure she is snickering at you. She is not allowed to be snickering at you. No one can snigger at you while you’re having a rage aneurysm. They have to step back and point in awe at the troll projectile vomiting hatred and disgust._ _

__You are busy trying to imagine what physical hatred would look like if it was projectile vomited (lumpy, blackish brown. can’t decide between a circle or square) when you realize you have ended up in a nutrition block. She’s smiling at you like you two have been on a sweep long journey to find some stupid treasure and you’ve finally stumbled upon it._ _

__“This is mah kitchen,” she says, which must be some highblooded term for nutrition block, like it’s not the most obvious thing in the universe that this is where Food Is Made. “And I’m goin’ tah make you the most fintastic cake you ever stuck a fork in.”_ _

__This is stupid. You pinch yourself; maybe real life hasn’t gone stupid and only your dreams have, which would be much less worrying. She’s going to make you a cake. You are going to eat a cake made by Her Imperious Condescension, subjugator of millions, ruler of planets, etcetera._ _

__You wonder what a cake is. You decide to test the stupidity of real life by voicing the question._ _

__She turns away from her cupboard rummaging in shock. “Whaaaaat?”_ _

__“I said, what the fuck is a cake?” That is not what you said. It’s a condensed version of what you said, but your throats getting sore and you don’t want to repeat it._ _

__“Are you glubbing me you’ve never had a cake before? I don’t bereef it. Are you bein’ searious?”_ _

__You are being searious. She still does not bereef it._ _

__“Oh my Cod! Never? And you’re shore? Buoy, you need to set that fin bass down, ‘cause I am about to _rock your world_. She takes a small cardboard box out of an open cupboard and waves it in front of your face. “This mofo is cake mix. You get this stuff otter the box and into a bowl or somefin like it.” She grabs a clear glass bowl, slams in front of you, and hands you a wooden spoon.”Then you put some eggs ‘n milt ‘n shit -” She freezes while pouring the milk into a measuring cup. (You have never seen a measuring cup before either, except in Troll Paula Deen’s C &C show; rich assholes, the lot of them. Who has enough money to waste on something like a measuring cup? Who has enough money to _cook_? Food is for survival, not pleasure.) “Not milt. Never milt. I meant milk. Now stir ‘em all together like your making a gumbo.” _ _

__You’re feeling oddly comfortable, for being a high-profile prisoner. Maybe you should give up with the ‘kill me already’ and move on to a new topic to be angry about. “I don’t want to stir your stupid poisonous concoction,” you grumble, while stirring. “It looks like a big lump of watered down, greasy shit.”_ _

__“That’s ‘cause it’s chocolate, dumb-bass. So clam it and for cod’s sake, stir harder.” You are already stirring as fast as you can without the stuff actually flying out of the bowl._ _

__You begin to realize something’s missing from the scene while you’re helping her pour the batter into a cake pan. The feeling increases when she sits down next to you and wraps her arm around your shoulders. She doesn’t really talk to you so much as she talks at you._ _

__The oven dings, and you almost fall out of the chair in surprise. That was really quick, for 40 minutes spent with the Empress._ _

__She pours what should be counted as an overdose of hazelnut frosting over the result of your hard labor (seriously, your arm is killing you) and presents it to your proudly. The Condesce slices you a piece and places it in front of you. The plate is the same color as her eyes._ _

__You stare at it. Despite the praising reviews she gave it, you think it looks absolutely terrible. Sort of like a sponge. That’s probably why she likes it so much. You poke it with your fork. It bounces back. The cake manages to resist the tines for about a second before you slice through it. A drop of frosting slips down the side and stains the plate._ _

__“Eat it,” she says. She’s no longer talking to you comfortably; this is full command mode. Relief floods over you. Fear, of course - that was the missing element. You scoop a piece up, scraping the plate awkwardly in your haste._ _

__The first thing you taste is _sweet_. It’s overwhelming, but you’d probably be unceremoniously stabbed and forced into the food disposal receptacle if you spat it out. It barely tastes like chocolate either, but to your surprise the texture is more bread than sponge. A small relief. _ _

__You decide it’s okay, if not the most “outraygeous thing! You reely have gotta eat it should be GILLEGAL that you haven’t oh em gee! Cake is the best thing since apicultural networking!”_ _

__You’re shoving the last piece down your gullet when she solemnly places another one on your plate. She hasn’t said a work since you started eating, just smiling at you and tracing the fuchsia lines on her wetsuit. You devour that one too, because you’re not going to say no to free food (especially if this is your last meal), even if your teeth feel like they're going to turn brown and rot out of your stupid skull._ _

__You protest the fourth piece she gives you, but she just smiles wider and says to “eat it all up, angelfish ;).” Maybe she doesn’t say the winky face, but you’re going to pretend it’s there anyway. You’re doomed and you’re allowed to do whatever shit you want to. You don’t have to justify it! Not even to yourself._ _

__Eventually she just pushes the whole cake (or what’s left of it) over to you. The icing’s hardening. This time she really does wink at you, and you feel something weird in you chest. Something you haven’t felt since you were just a wiggler._ _

__Shit, it feels like...pride. You seriously feeling proud of yourself for eating a foul, stinking saccharine mess of a cake-thing as greedily as a grub gnawing at the first hoofbeast it’s lusus managed to drag in, before it learns that raw hoofbeast meat it actually as disgusting as a rotten shit volcano._ _

__You squash down the feeling as violently as it deserves._ _

__

__*_ _

__You are honestly surprised he managed to finish the cake. Which is silly, because you should never underestimate what fear and a lifetime of poor treatment can do to a troll. By the second one, you beyond the point of disbelief. Not even your most senior officers had managed to completely finish the second two-layer cake._ _

__Karkat lay stretched out on the linoleum floor like a cat, moaning loudly. He doesn’t seem to be able to do anything with any sort of restraint, you think fondly. Maybe a bit like you (not that you’d admit that was a fault in any way,shape, or form)._ _

__He shifts restless, curling in on himself and clutching his stomach before deciding that position is too painful and stretching out again. He’s not crying, which is a relief (you remember a notable jadeblood who had managed to get on your ship through sheer competence, not blood color; she had been in tears by the second batch of cookies)._ _

__You are going to keep him forever.  
For the second time in your long life, you feel compassion. _ _

__It feels like heartburn._ _

__You squat beside him awkwardly and pat him on the back. He moans louder as your touch pushes him and his stomach down into the floor. Cod damn._ _

__He flips himself over, though it’s less of a flip and more of a slow-motion roll, balancing on his side for a moment before landing on his back with a “Oof!” His shirt’s hitched up slightly, showing a slightly distended grey stomach and a few grubhood scars. Slowly, so as not to cause him more pain (doing something NOT to cause pain! imagine!), you put your hand down on it and begin to rub in soft circles. He moans again, but it’s softer, relaxed. He picks his hand up from where he had been scratching at the floor and wraps his stubby fingers around your wrist. You freeze. He opens his eyes and then freezes._ _

__You both sit there for a paralyzed second that feels like a million sweeps. What the hell. You start rubbing his belly again, and he doesn’t take his hand away. Progress._ _

__Somehow you end up with his head in your lap. He’s curled around you like you’re a rock in the middle of a stormy sea. His hair is matted and greasy, his stomach’s pushing out the waistline of his sweatpants, and his moans sound less sexy/cute and more like a dying walrus. He’s a mutant, an abomination, a recall of a revolution; he’s stubby and annoying and you think that this is what a palecrush is supposed to be._ _

__As the empress, your crushes don’t have to remain crushes for long._ _

__

__*_ _

__\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] \--_ _

__ TA: eriidan  
CA: wwhat the hell sol i thought i blocked the lot a you  
TA: you 2hould fuckiing know iit’2 not that ea2y.  
CA: wwell im honored you wwasted your time on me but wwhat evver you wwant im not doin it  
CA: i don't need a kismesis or anythin  
TA: ii dont want to be your kii2me2ii2  
TA: ii’m actually gaggiing riight now at the thought  
TA: ii’m here because  
TA: there’2 an emergency and  
TA: 2hiit ii can’t do thii2 waiit a 2econd  
CA: wwhat the everlovvin fuck  
CA: sol you realize i could get culled the fuck out of the military just for having your handle and not reportin it  
CA: talkin to you is absolutely ridiculous  
CA: its like you people go out of your wway to think a howw to kill me  
CA: and you cant evven stick around and explain wwhat the hell this apparent fuckin emergency is  
TA: ok ii'm back  
TA: wow ii'm not even goiing to pretend that ii’m goiing to read all that  
TA: anyways ff’2 here now and 2he’ll explaiin  
TA: don’t be a2 much of an a22hole as usual alriight  
CA: fef’s here  
CA: wwith you  
TA: )(--EY -Eridan!!  
TA: Wait a sec w)(ale Sollux c)(anges my text color, OK?  
CA: shit ff it’s really you  
CA: unless captors playin an elaborate fuckin shit joke but i honestly dont believve hes got time to do betwween all the empire sabotagin business yavve got  
TA: NOP--E! It’s reely M---E!!  
CA: provve it  
TA: After you watc)(ed Troll Titanic you cried for T)(R--E--E days and made a w)(ole experiment to sea if Jack couldve fit on the door. You even found a brown blood to play Jack for you 38O  
CA: thats common glubbin knowwledge  
TA: glub glub um 38/  
TA: T)(e scar on your left flipper is from w)(en you were playing with Ahab's Cross)(airs in t)(e mirror and s)(ot yourself.  
CA: wwhoah shit  
CA: hey feferi  
CA: i hate to break up all this reunion shit but id reely like to here bout this emergency sols blatherin on about cause i got important things to attend to  
TA: You don’t )(ave to you fish puns just for me, -Eridan!  
CA: wwho says im usin em for you  
TA: You ONLY use t)(em w)(en you’re talking to me!! It’s SILLY!  
TA: Anywave, I don’t know W)(AT your “O)( SO FINPORTANT” position )(as told you, but Karcrab’s been caught by )(ER!  
CA: kar  
CA: are you sure  
TA: Y-----ES!!  
TA: Our spy in the Battles)(ip Condescension CONFIRM---ED IT and -EVERYFIN!!!!  
TA: I’m sorry I’m being so s)(outy but I’m R---E--ELY worried about him!  
TA: I need him!!! -Everyfin w)(ale fail if )(e’s not )(ere.  
CA: thanks for botherin to inform me about this vvital revvolutionary data but you seem to be forgettin i am not part of your insidious plans against the empire  
CA: i dont care if you fail  
CA: actually id be officially mandated to celebrate it  
CA: i like kar an all but it probably wwasnt wworth hackin into my security netwwork to tell me  
CA: the only reason im not reportin you at this moment is cause this log would be a bit self incriminatin  
TA: Cod, you don’t G------ET IT, do you?!  
CA: fef youre es are gettin awway from you  
TA: Shut UP!  
TA: I KNOW t)(is is a lot to ask, but we N---E--ED YOU! No one else can do t)(is!  
CA: do wwhat  
CA: im not doin anythin  
TA: We want you to go to t)(e Battles)(ip Condescension and rescue Karkat.  
TA: PL----EAS--E!! 38*  
TA: we have a plan and everthiing iit’2 the 2afest rescue mii2iion we’ve made yet.  
TA: you know for a raiid on the conde2ce her2elf and all iit’2 aiirtiight.  
CA: FUCK no  
CA: i finally got promoted after swweeps a honest wwork and im not going to givve it up for you assholes 

__caligulasAquarium ceased trollingtwinArmageddons [TA] _ _

__TA: 2hiit_ _

__caligulasAquarium [CA] twinArmageddons [TA] _ _

__

__*_ _

__

__You have not been separated from Her Imperious Condescension (Meenah, you correct yourself mentally, she wants you to call her Meenah now, at least when you’re alone) since you first were unceremoniously shoved into the throneblock. She has not stopped any of her political “duties,” (enclosure talons added because she skips half of them and yells until she gets her way for the other half), she simply drags you along with her._ _

__No one seems to like the arrangement except her. You’re sure you’re on the hate list of at least six bluebloods and three indigos. It would be flattering if it wasn’t absolutely pants-shittingly terrifying._ _

__And you like them too. Of course. Because of the revolution, it’s good to be in the meetings. Yeah. You almost forgot about that for a second. Ha. But so far they’ve been about the economy (terrible and pointless), relations with other planets (conquered or about to be conquered, also pointless), the promotion of an officer who has showed tendencies leaning towards hemo-equality (you dozed off for a bit there, you’d bet it was pointless). Absolutely nothing pertaining to you, but this is the first meeting The Condesce has even seemed vaguely interested in, let alone participated in. She even brought a plate of assorted cookies/brownies/things; no one has even touched the _plate_ , though you caught a seadweller trying to eat a raw fish secretly. _ _

__“Empress,” says a seadweller with fins so low on his face they’re for all intents and purposes, a fuglybeard, “our next topic will be about the partisan revolution led by your heir-apparent and the,” he twists his mouth around like someone stuffed a rotten lemon in there but he’s too polite to spit it out, all disgust and pomp. He’s very definitely not looking at you in a way that suggests you’re too foul for his precious purple eyes but he has to include you anyway. “Signless Reincarnate.” Now he’s definitely eyeing you in the plutocratic way all seadwellers like him have, not looking at you so specifically that they are definitely looking at you._ _

__If that’s what they’re calling you, you’re going to go absolutely batshit up the belfry. That has got to be the worst thing you’ve heard this perigee. Maybe your eardrums will collapse under the sheer weight of all the stupid things you’ve heard, you being the “Signless Reincarnate” the final straw on your eardrum camel’s back. You don’t even get the dignity of being the Sufferer, no you’ve regressed to the Signless. Maybe you’d be okay with the Sufferer, because it’s a title you can relate to, because boy-howdy do you suffer. If you live long enough to grow out of your hatchname, you will call yourself the Long-Suffering, the Enduring, the Magnanimous. But you’ll never, ever call yourself anyone’s reincarnation. That would be ridiculous. And also sort of a lot of awful and conceited and would attract attention you would rather avoid._ _

__You think that you got so worked up your face turned bright red, which would explain why everyone’s staring at you unabashedly. You turn even redder in the attention._ _

__“Are you implying somefin, admiral?” The Condesce taps a long nail on the table._ _

__You’d admire the purple-blood in his bold stupidity. He does not back down. “Merely that this prisoner be escorted out of the room and back into the...the brig. In the off-chance he manages to escape or is capable off-ship communication, or Gl'bgolyb forbid there is a traitor on board that he can contact.”_ _

__“Are you questionin’ my judgement, like that’s not the finniest, most raydiculous thing. Cause I don’t reelly recall anytime I’ve ever been wrong about anymoby. I don’t want to cull you for bein’ a shrimpudent motherglubber yet ‘cause this chair’s mighty comfy but if anyone got anymoray eelings on the matter I will show them up close and personal what it feels like to be speared. Got it?”_ _

__They got it. You are allowed to stay._ _

__“The way I’m seaing the seatuation,” she starts, grabbing a file of papers from a cerulean-blood, “all we gotta do is round up the leaders, which we are halfway done with already, and some of the higherups, which should be pretty easy to find, and execute them.”_ _

__You grip the table so hard your fingers turn white. A pointed tooth spears through your chapped lip, a thin line of blood rising up to the cut._ _

__Her Imperious Condescension smiles. “Does anymoby have anyfin else to say?”_ _

__To your eternal surprise, a greenblood stands up. How the fuck did a homey-looking jadeblood manage to get in on the grand council? It was rare to see a jadeblood out of the brooding caverns, let alone in any sort of high-ranking government position. Greenbloods were civil servants, nothing more. Why the fuck is she risking it to add something when the Empress clearly does not want anything to be added? Some of her higher-blooded coworkers were thinking the same thing as you, judging by the disdainful glances in her direction._ _

__“Your Imperiousness, may I suggest that the execution be private? The last time there was a public execution, a dangerous cult rose out of it. Besides, anyone we would want to keep alive,” she glances at you, “be it for interrogation or other purposes, we would be able to without triggering rescue attempts or too many theories about their dead or alive status. We would simply have to send out an official, private report saying they had been culled.”_ _

__A indigo-blood stands up. “If I may interrupt,” he says in a way that clearly states he does not give a flying fuck if he interrupts or not, “wouldn’t we also need to send out a public report, perhaps with pictures of the dead? That is, if Her Majesty agrees with your plan.” He sits back down with a thump._ _

__“If we send out a public report, it will spark the same sort of reaction as the public execution did,” the jade says, “while an official report is sure to be intercepted by rebellion members and is also more likely to be believed.” She stands down. The Condesce is nodding approvingly._ _

__These are your friends they’re talking about killing, your friends that you lead into this mess, they’re all going to die and it will be your fault because you weren’t there to bail their putrid asses out. Or it will be your fault because they force you to reveal their information and they’ll be captured and they’ll all be killed and your life wouldn’t matter because _they’d_ all be dead and - _ _

__“That is the stupidest, most pan-rotting, bulge-shriveling idea I have ever heard,” you say. You have thrown in the dirty towel of your life and stomped on it until it was nothing more than a pile of mud-stained cotton fibers. You are going have to be as persuasive as possible, using your fast array of knowledge to convince everyone that a really good plan was actually really stupid. It will be tough, but you know you can do it._ _

__“I think I lost all my IQ points just hearing that. Did those words actually slink through your thinkpan, or did you just upchuck them like three year old beefgrub you found in the very back of your kismesis’s mealvault?” You’re winning them over, you can feel it. Crowds are blown away by your superior mastery of Alternian. “Or should I say refridgerator; I doubt you can understand any of the so-called lower class vernacular because your heads are shoved so far up your nooks that your horns are impaling your autoerogenous shame globes. No one will ever believe that you executed them, or that you’d want to keep it a secret instead of pounding it into the common trolls heads until they all just keel over of the sheer embarrassment. And there’s theorists that still believe that the Sufferer,” you spit out the word with a certain pleasure at calling him his unofficial name, “is alive, so you believe you’ll be able to round some of the smartest trolls in the universe up without any fuss and expect everyone to believe you killed them off?”_ _

__“Soooo,” The Condesce says slowly, “you’re in favor of a public execution?”_ _

__No, no no that is not what you wanted at all. “No, that is not what I wanted at all,” you say, “but I admit that I am not flailing myself and tearing out my hair in consternation, because I don’t believe I would be able to push anything into your thick nugbones if I had a hammer. I am saying,” - you have no idea what you’re saying - “that you should um, you should...you should not kill them at all. Yeah. Killing them would be a pointless exercise in nook-dangling, and not any sort of thing you should do at all, because it would be stupid. Just like you.” This is not working. You fucked up. You fucked up big time. “Actually, you shouldn’t even attempt to capture them, because...because it’s suggesting that you care about the revolution a lot more than you actually do. The average troll was dropped on it’s head, and probably stepped on, by it’s lusus more than a few times, and isn’t going pay attention to anything they don’t register as a threat, and if you don’t - mphhh fuummpp deahaugh! -”_ _

__The Condesce moved faster that a shark, reaching forward to the neglected baked goods nutrition plateau, grabbing a handful of brownies and cookies, and shoving them into your open mouth. You can’t even move your mouth, despite several praiseworthy attempts. Your mouth is filled to full capacity; you can’t even chew. Your jaws are firmly wedged open. You cover your mouth with both hands, trying to prevent something falling out in a wet glop on the table and furthering your embarrassment. Shit fuckity fuck shit. You can’t even think enough to swear properly, your thinkpan has been reduced to buzzing, angry,??????.You can sense the jeering faces all around you. You jam your teeth down forcibly, snapping a particularly brittle cooking in half. Sweet Gl'bgolyb, food should not be this deliciously painful. You began chewing angrily, glaring at the Condesce. She is definitely laughing at you, loud and awful like a wiggler who hasn’t learned self-preservation yet. Well, you’ll show her. It takes you a good ten minutes to finish chewing. Now, where were you. Not killing everyone you have ever cared for, that’s right. _ _

__“As I was saying,” you continue, brushing away a few sticky crumbs on your mouth with your arm, “killing the leaders of the revolution would be battshitingly idiotic because -” The Condesce, still laughing, shoves another cookie into your mouth. You glare at her. She is completely oblivious to your hate. You don’t even have to specify the platonic-ness of the hate because it goes so beyond spades it reaches around and murders it brutally with a stab right to the spinal cord. You tear the cookie out of your mouth as brutally as you can take a cookie. Crumbs spray out across your lap and the table. In the kind of cheesy, B-rated movie you thrive on, they’d start the dramatic music and slow motion right about now. Imagining it does not help you feel anymore badass with your epic feat of oral-cookie removal._ _

__“ _Because_ , not only would the masses revmphhh!,” you say as two more brownies are stuffed into your mouth. Your teeth were not made for this sort of pressure. Meenah’s set the plate on her thighs now and is eagerly ready to force-feed you as soon as you open your mouth. You cross your arms across your chest and hrrumph mentally. _ _

__The seadweller you caught eating a fish earlier coughs awkwardly and stands up. “I-believe-we-can-conclude-this-meeting-for-today-good-day,” he says in a rush, practically begging The Condesce. She waves him away, and the rest of the council runs out of the room, happier to be out of there than the Grand Tyranny is seeing that the defendant is plump and juicy.._ _

__“Awkward,” Meenah sings after a minute. She grabs your hand and heaves you up. “C’mon, let’s fin somefin else to do! This is more fun than I’ve had in ages and ages!”__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written around july, 2013
> 
>  _for kinkmeme prompt_  
> ...the way to a troll's heart, as the saying goes, is through his stomach. The stomach is also associated with the Cancer sign.
> 
> Maybe Condy has some residual cross-scratch feelings for Nubs McShouty, so she keeps him alive after capture, mutantblood or no. But from time to time she does need him to shut the hell up, and if his mouth is full...
> 
> So, the Batterwitch stuffing Karkat silly with her baked goods. Bonus for bulging bellyrubs.


	9. bloodswap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tbh i dont have any strong feelings about this but i love my bloodswapped handles

cachaemicApostasy [CA] began trolling cacoethesGuignol [CG] 

CA: wwhats your opinion on groomin  
CG: WHAT?  
CA: i knoww a lot of highbloods are all prissy about their hair and clothes and clawws right  
CA: wwhat about you  
CG: IF I HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN LIGHTING MYSELF ON FIRE AND A FASHIONABLE SCARF, I WOULD CHOOSE SELF-IMMOLATION, AS LONG AS I COULD BURN THE SCARF TOO.  
CG: HOWEVER, I WOULD NOT BE ADVERSE TO A REASONABLE COMB, UNDER THE RIGHT CONDITIONS AND MAYBE IF KANAYA PINNED ME DOWN.  
CA: funny because i havve a soft spot for scarvves  
CA: haha see funny  
CG: ROT IN HELL, SCARF-FUCKER.  
CA: um  
CG: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU TODAY? WHAT HAPPENED TO RETURNING MY BARBS WITH ALL THE SELF-AWARENESS OF A MOOBEAST? WHERE IS THE FUN IN COMPLETELY ANNIHILATING A SERVILE AND COMPLACENT GREY TEXT? IF I WANTED TO DO THAT I COULD GO ON TROLL 4CHAN, BUT YOU KNOW WHY NO ONE SANE GOES THERE? BECAUSE ITS NOT ANY FUN.  
CA: lots a highbloods go on troll 4chan  
CG: HIGHBLOODS WHO ARE TOO WEAK TO CULL ANY REAL TROLLS AND INSTEAD WANT TO JACK OFF TO PICTURES OF SOFT-CORE SNUFF AND RUSTBLOOD’S BOOBS AND PRETEND TO BE HEMOANON WHILE STILL MANAGING TO HIDE THEIR WEAKNESSES BEHIND THEIR COLOR. I'M LOOKING AT YOU, SCARF-FUCKER.  
CA: do you think vvris posts pics of her boobs on there  
CA: and scarvve fucker is not a good nickname  
CG: SCARF  
CA: scarvve  
CG: WE ARE GETTING OFF TOPIC. YOU ARE AVOIDING THE ISSUE. SUCK IT UP AND TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG.  
CA: wwell i was just thinkin  
CG: I’M ALREADY GETTING A HEADACHE.  
CA: youre the one wwho asked jeez  
CA: i wwas just thinkin that youre not really a typical highblood right  
CA: i mean youre mean and vviolent and evverythin but your pretty nice about it and i think you would be the same if you wwere a yelloww blood or somethin  
CA: as far as i know you havvent gone on any horrible murderin sprees and you dont really think youre better than anyone else cause of your color  
CA: not that you arent better  
CA: oh wwho am i kiddin no one wwould evver be convvinced that i gavve a damn about the hemospectrum  
CA: kar youre making me sorta nervvous  
CA: respond already  
CG: ...  
CG: OKAY.  
CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT?  
CA: wwhat do you mean wwhat do i wwant  
CA: can a friend just givve out compliments wwithout being suspected of nefarious schemin  
CG: ERIDAN, YOU KNEW ME WHEN I WAS 6 SWEEPS OLD. I AM NO LONGER 6 SWEEPS. THESE EYES HAVE SEEN MANY THINGS.  
CA: ok  
CA: that wwas a question sort of i dont understand ok btw  
CG: WHAT AM I GETTING TO IS HOW PEOPLE ASSUME I HAVE ALL THESE EXTRA RESOURCES AND THAT AS A *NICE HIGHBLOOD* I WOULD BE TOTALLY WILLING TO GIVE THEM OUT.  
CG: YEAH EQUIUS, I'LL ENGAGE IN ILLICIT, SWEATY S&M SEXTING WITH YOU. YES, VRISKA, I'D LOVE TO BUY YOU SOME SIX SIDED GAMBLING BLOCKS OFF THE BLACK MARKET, WHY DON'T I HOOK YOU UP WITH MY MOST ILLEGAL CONNECTIONS WHILE I AM AT IT?  
CG: TEREZI?! YOU WANT LOWBLOOD FABRIC FOR YOUR FUCKING STUPID STUFFED VOODOO DRAGONS? YOU WANT A FAKE ID TO FLARP? WHY NOT ASK GOOD OLD HIGH ENOUGH TO GET INVITED TO THE HIGHBLOOD PARTIES AROUND BUT NOT HIGH ENOUGH THAT I CAN ACTUALLY GO UNLESS I'M A FUCKING BUTLER?  
CA: i didnt need to knoww any of that and i think i may actually get in trouble for hearin some a it  
CA: im sorry you had such a tough life bein high class, rich, wwell-liked and trusted  
CG: YOU BETTER BE SORRY. NOW TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT.  
CA: hair dye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written june 12, 2014
> 
> kink meme prompt:  
> Mutantblood Eridan Ampora has got a problem, and that problem is that he's got a cherry-red blood stripe right there for anyone who looks at him. He doesn't meet other people in person. Ever.
> 
> The only thing that could help is hair dye, which is of course illegal, as who could need it but someone with something to hide- but he thinks he just might have talked this highblood Vantas into getting him some.
> 
> The only problem is whether he can get it from Vantas without being culled outright


	10. The AU where they're ghosts (pt.1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *remembers part of the reason i never finished in the first place was because i knew how much of a bitch formating pesterlogs would be* l m a f o

\-- PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 3,494 SWEEPS AGO opened memo on board FUCK THE WORLD’S ENDING WHY DI. --

PCG: SINCE I PRESUME YOUR GANDERBULBS HAVE RESPONDED NORMALLY TO THE IMMENSE RADIATION AND PSYCHIC BLAST AND HAVE ROTTED OUT OF YOUR SKULL AND CAUSED YOUR INABILITY TO SEE THE IMMENSE DESTRUCTION AROUND YOU, I’M HERE TO INFORM YOU THAT THE WORLD IS OFFICIALLY ENDING.  
PCG: THAT’S RIGHT. REMEMBER TO TELL EVERYONE YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST. OH WAIT, EVERYONE’S DEAD.  
PCG: FEFERI, UNLESS YOU MANAGE TO INVENT ONE HELL OF A EXCUSE YOU ARE CURRENTLY BEING BLAMED FOR THE DEMISE OF ALL ALTERNIA. CONGRATULATIONS FOR WINNING THIS ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY TO BE AN UNMITIGATED FAILURE.  
PCG: NO. ONCE IN A LIFETIME IS PUTTING IT TOO MILDLY. YOU'VE DESTROYED THE END PRODUCT OF BILLIONS OF YOTTASECONDS, THE WORK OF ENTIRE GALAXIES, THE HIGHEST LIFE FORMS IN THE UNIVERSE. THE WHOLE SENTIENT BEINGS TREND MAY BE OVER FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY, UNLESS THIS IS THE FUCKING SURPRISE POINCARÉ RECURRENCE.  
PCG: STATUS REPORT: I JUST WENT OUTSIDE  
PCG: IT WAS A FUCKING GOOD EFFORT I JUST MADE THERE, CONSIDERING THAT DURING ALL THE COMMOTION AND DYING SCREAMS, A CHOLERBEAR TRIED TO SCRATCH ITS WAY THROUGH MY DOOR AND ENDED UP DYING IN A USELESS LUMP OF CONTAMINATED MEAT, WHICH ARE GENERALLY VERY HARD TO OPEN DOORS AROUND.  
PCG: IT APPEARS ALL MY NEIGHBORS ARE ALSO DEAD. OR PLAYING DEAD, WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A DUMB GAME FOR LITTLE SHIT GRUBS WHO NEED TO BE TAUGHT THE TRUE MEANING OF DEATH.  
PCG: DOES IT SEEM LIKE I’M OVERUSING THE WORD DEATH HERE? BECAUSE IT’S HARD TO THINK OF A MORE APPROPRIATE SYNONYM WHEN I’M BEING COVERED IN ALL THESE POOR FUCKERS WITH MELTED SKIN.  
PCG: GOD IT IS HARD TO BREATH. I AM GOING TO ASPHYXIATE IN A PLANET FULL OF AIR LITERALLY MEANT FOR ME. I AM THE ONLY ONE BREATHING THIS AIR. I HAVE MORE AIR THAN I KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH AND I CONTINUE BEING A FAILURE. CONTINUING THE STEADY INFLATION AND DEFLATION OF MY WIND BAGS IS THE ONLY TASK I HAVE BEEN ENTRUSTED WITH, AND I JUST AM A DISGRACE. I DID NOT DESERVE TO SURVIVE THAT.  
PCG: BUT I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED IF THIS WHOLE ORDEAL WAS SENT DOWN BECAUSE SOMEONE WANTED TO KILL SPECIFICALLY ME. THEY LOOKED DOWN FROM THE HEAVENS AND REALIZED THAT KARKAT VANTAS COULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO EXIST.  
PCG: BUT SINCE EVERYONE AROUND ME IS A COLOSSAL FUCK-UP BY ASSOCIATION, THEY MANAGED TO MISS THEIR ONE TARGET AND HIT THE ENTIRE MOTHERFUCKING PLANET OF ALTERNIA INSTEAD.  
PCG: AND HERE I AM, SENDING THIS MEANINGLESS MEMO INTO THE VOID.  
PCG: HOW IS THERE EVEN INTERNET? WHY IS THIS A THING. MAYBE I AM DEAD AND THIS IS THE THE AFTERLIFE. MY IDEA OF HEAVEN IS EVERYONE DEAD.  
PTA: kart kat 22etop iiii 22hiit 2iiht 2hiit  
PCG: I AM ALONE IN THE STINKING, PUTRID VOID.  
PCG: OH, IT’S YOU. WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG? IF YOU’RE FUNCTIONAL ENOUGH TO INFORM EVERYONE ABOUT HOW ALIVE YOU ARE ON A SCALE OF 1-10, YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE IT A LONG TIME AGO.  
PCG: AND BY EVERYONE I MEAN ME.  
PTA: ii  
PTA: aokd332 t0002ff  
PTA: [[[.,, i  
PCG: SOLLUX?  
PCG: SOLLUX IF YOU DON’T RESPOND IN 3 SECONDS I AM GOING TO MARCH OVER TO YOUR HOUSE, TAKE HOLD OF YOUR SHITTILY GROOMED HANDS WHICH YOU HAVE NEVER ONCE WASHED AND PLACE THEM ON THE KEYBOARD. THEN I WILL TYPE A SOOTHING MESSAGE TO MYSELF, TO ASSURE MYSELF THAT I WAS NOT THE ONLY LIVING TROLL, THAT THE SHITHOLES I HAVE BEEN CURSED WITH ARE NOT A PILE OF GRUBLOAF AND MELTED PANS, AND TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN.  
PCA: hey givve it up  
PCA: its amazin he survvivved to wwrite that honestly  
PCA: if it helps at all im here for noww and can tell you to calm dowwn  
PCA: instead a that wweirdly mastrabatory fantasy  
PCG: AMAZINGLY, THAT DOES NOT HELP.  
PTA: fuufuckkk gge93t s ii iiii O ut T gE t oua  
PTA: !!# nnow Of uf gl fee ufi fuj  
PCA: sol givve it up  
PCA: dont act like such a freakin disgrace  
PCG: DID FEFERI’S TERROR OF A LUSUS NOT GET HER EVENING SNACK OR SOMETHING? DID YOU HAVE BOTH HANDS SHOVED UP YOUR NOOK TOO LONG AND STOPPED BEATING UP YOUNG TROLLS AND KILLING THEIR PARENTS?  
PCA: uh maybe  
PCA: fefs gonna check it out but neither of us are in tiptop shape  
PCA: check out gl’bgolyb not my hands in my nook  
PCA: thats still not a thing thats happenin  
PCA: but im sorta bleedin out the gills and aural clots and fefs barely better if you get my drift  
PTA: hjnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu nnnnnbbbbhjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj  
PCG: OH MY GOD JUST GO BE ANNOYING SOMEWHERE ELSE. THIS IS IMPORTANT.

\-- PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] banned PAST twinArmageddons [PTA] from memo --

PCA: kar i really think he wwas dyin just then  
PCG: HAHA, THAT’S VERY FUNNY.  
PCG: ANYWAY, YOU WOULDN’T BE DYING IF IT WAS GL’BGOLYB WOULD YOU? RANDOM UNCONTROLLABLE GENOCIDES AT THE HANDS OF AN UNCARING SEA MONSTER'S FARTS WAS MORE OF A LOWBLOOD THING, WASN’T IT?  
PCA: its possible that wwe wwere affected  
PCA: i mean obvviously wwe wwere but  
PCA: most a wwhat wwe wwarned you about wwas in case she wwhispered or somethin  
PCA: this coulda been more of a screamin deal  
PCA: if not the actual vvast glub  
PCA: accordin to the historical texts thatd be more of a end of the univverse thing  
PCA: though the accuracy of religious documents is up for some serious questionin  
PGA: I Am Here To Inform Everyone That I Am Breathing  
PGA: Though After Further Examination I Am Not Sure That Is A Good Thing Or If I Am Breathing In A More Loose Interpretation Of That Verb  
PGA: Or If I Want All The Trolls Present To Be Aware Of My Status  
PCA: oh come on kan thats a little unfair  
PGA: I See No Hint Of Unfairness In My Treatment Of You Eridan  
PGA: My Eyebrows Are Raising Involuntarily At The Suggestion  
PGA: I Cannot Control The Disbelieving Motions Of My Own Body And For That I Apologize  
PGA: Both The Apology And The Insinuation That I Am Not In Control Of My Disbelief Were Not Meant To Be Taken Seriously  
PGA: I Very Platonically Dislike You  
PCG: PLEASE FLIRT WITH EACH OTHER ON A DIFFERENT MEMO, PREFERABLY ONE I AM NOT A PART OF.  
PCG: I AM PART OF ALL OF THE MEMOS, WHICH MEANS THIS IS A SUBTLE FUCK YOU GET THIS SHIT OUT OF HERE WITH HAVE A LOT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO THROW OUR PANS AT IN FITS OF SEIZURING STUPIDITY.  
PCG: KANAYA, PLEASE OVERCOME YOUR ROLE AS A SNARKY BROAD AND FILL US IN LESS PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY. THAT IS NO WAY TO FORM A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP  
PCG: ERIDAN I KNOW IT WILL BE HARD BUT STOP BEING A DOUCHE. IF THAT PROVES TO BE IMPOSSIBLE JUST SHUT UP AND TRY TO STARE AT YOUR SCREEN IN THE LEAST OBNOXIOUS WAY YOU CAN MANAGE.  
PGA: Fine  
PCA: wwhoah kar dont ya think youre comin on a bit strong  
PCA: kan and i dont need an aussie  
PCG: AUSSIE  
PCG: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT AN AUSSIE IS NO DO I CARE TO. IT SOUNDS LIKE THE SORT OF DISEASE YOU GET IF YOU PAIL A XENO PROSTITUTE FROM AN OUTER COLONY AND I HOPE NEITHER YOU NOR KANAYA NEEDS ONE  
PCA: its slang for auspistice i made up after taken into consideration how fuckin hard it is to spell  
PCA: i think it has a real chance of catchin on  
PCG: I TAKE IT BACK. AUSSIE DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A CROSS SPECIES STD. ALIENS CAN MANAGE A LOT MORE CLASS LIKE THAT. IT SOUNDS LIKE WHAT YOU WOULD GET IF YOU FED A GIANT HOPBEAST TO A DERANGED CRIMINAL EVERYDAY, WITHOUT GIVING HIM ANY OTHER CONTACT WITH THE WORLD UNTIL EVENTUALLY HE BELIEVED HIS MOIRAIL WAS A HOPBEAST AND SHIT WAS HIS LUSUS.  
PCG: "WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?" NEOPHYTE WARDEVOURERS WILL WHISPER. AND OLD WIZENED GUARDS WILL EXPLAIN IN SOLEMN TONES, "HE'S GONE AUSSIE."  
PCG: ALSO THE WORLD ENDED. WHO IS IT GOING TO CATCH ON WITH.  
PCA: wwell ill admit that sorta hurt  
PGA: I Had Gotten The Impression From The Earlier Conversation That You Were Bleeding Out  
PGA: Please Continue To Do So While I Update Karkat And Possibly Sollux If He Proves To Be A Lot More Resilient Than His Typing Had Implied  
PGA: I Woke Up Dead  
PGA: My Blood Is Most Definitely Not Flowing And It Was Probably Hampered By The Fact That At Some Point My Bloodpusher Quite Literally Jumped Out Of My Chest  
PGA: It Is Currently Sitting On My Table  
PCG: WELL SO FAR THIS SITUATION APPEARS STRAIGHTFORWARD AND PERFECTLY NORMAL  
PCG: NO PLOT HOLES AT ALL!! HA HA SEE HOW HARD I AM LAUGHING TO HAVE EVER BEEN WORRIED ABOUT ANY OF YOU!!! CLEARLY EVERYTHING IS FINE AND DANDY!  
PCG: YOU AND SOLLUX BOTH! AND PROBABLY EVERYONE ELSE! ITS JUST GOING TO BE ME AND ERIDAN FOR ALL ETERNITY UNTIL ERIDAN ACTUALLY MANAGES TO BLEED OUT OR I STAB MYSELF IN THE FOREHEAD.  
PCG: THIS IS GREAT!!!!!!  
PGA: You Appear To Be Rather Distressed  
PCG: WHAT GAVE YOU THAT IMPRESSION? I AM THE LEAST DISTRESSED TROLL ON ALTERNIA, NOT THAT THAT IS A HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT ANYMORE CONSIDERING THE LOW NUMBERS WE HAVE TO CHOOSE FROM.  
PGA: Well If You Insist You Are Not  
PGA: I Had Just Detected A Hint Of Insincerity In Your Text But As You Know I Am Not A Master At Determining Written Emotion  
PGA: Anyway I Appear To Have Become A Rainbow Drinker  
PCA: wwhat  
PAA: same here  
PCA: wwhat  
PCA: isnt this becomin a bit improbable  
PAA: n0  
PAA: im n0t a rainb0w drinker im just a gh0st  
PAA: s0llux is t00  
PCG: SOLLUX IS DEAD?  
PCG: HOLY SHIT I AM MASSIVE LEVELS IF UNPREPARED FOR THIS.  
PCG: I'M JUST GOING TO GO  
PCG: SIT DOWN

\-- PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] unbanned PAST twinArmageddons [PTA] from memo --

PCG: OKAY  
PAA: i d0nt really see why this is surprising  
PAA: its 0bvi0us that every0nes dead  
PAA: theres n0 way any 0f us survived that  
PAA: as l0wbl00ds  
PCA: shes got a point  
PCA: kar howw did you evven make it you havvent said if youre injured  
PAA: i w0uld not be surprised if he was dead t00  
PAA: th0ugh i cant sense him anywhere  
PAA: that might just mean he lives a l0t further away  
PCA: no hes only a couple imperial miles awway from the sea  
PCA: less than a days wwalk  
PGA: Do I Sense A Hidden Relationship Here  
PGA: Karkat I Thought You Had Better Taste  
PCA: oh fuck off kan  
PCA: wwhat wwe got is purely platonic and also none of your business  
PAA: i d0nt care but is n0w really the time  
PTA: agreed  
PCA: im surprised you can showw here wwithout double dying of embarrassment  
PTA: yeah haha that wh0le dying thing was pretty dumb  
PTA: but im 0kay with it  
PTA: were all dead anyway  
PCA: cept for me and kar and fef  
PCA: and probably gam  
PCA: eq is probably dyin currently but slowwer like  
PTA: y0ull die eventually  
PTA: even if y0u and ff survive the wh0le bleeding 0ut 0f every 0rfice thing y0ull starve  
PTA: m0st 0f the lusii and animals died t00  
PTA: and theyll be 0ther vi0lets c0mpeting with y0u  
PTA: gam w0nt last l0ng he has n0 idea h0w t0 take care 0f himself  
PAA: s0llux  
PTA: and wh0 kn0ws h0w kk even made it in the first place  
PCG: STOP.  
PAA: 0h g00d  
PCG: GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS MEMO SOLLUX.  
PTA: what  
PTA: why  
PCG: YOU'RE BEING AN ASSHOLE AND SOMEONE HAS TO STOP YOU. JESUS FUCK SOLLUX WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  
PTA: im dead  
PCG: WHICH SHOULD MEAN WE DONT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH YOU ANYMORE. AS IT IS, I HAVE TO PUT MY FOOT DOWN. 

\-- PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] banned PAST twinArmageddons [PTA] from memo \--

PCG: THERE WE GO.  
PCG: OH GOD I AM A TERRIBLE FRIEND.  
PAA: hes 0kay  
PCG: TELL HIM TO STICK THE BELOVED REMAINS OF SOMEONE'S LUSUS UP HIS NOOK AND RIDE IT UNTIL HE'S ERASED FROM EXISTENCE FOR BEING TOO OBSCENE.  
PAA: hes just reading 0ver my sh0ulder  
PAA: 0r really im reading t0 him because his eyes melted bef0re he died 0_0

\-- PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] banned PAST apocolypseArisen [PAA] from memo --

PGA: Dont You Think That Was A Bit Unnecessary  
PCG: NO. NOW LETS MOVE ON.  
PCA: kar i wwant to knoww exactly howw youre still breathin  
PCA: and wwalkin around apparently evven fefs havving a hard time wwith that  
PCG: WE DON'T ALWAYS GET WHAT WE WANT, SHITSTAIN. NOW MOVE. ON.  
PCA: no i think wwe got a right to knoww  
PCA: you wwould need blood higher than fefs to be unscathed  
PCA: wwhich is obvviously impossible especially considerin youre male  
PCA: or maybe if youre off planet somehoww  
PCG: WHY IS THIS SO IMPORTANT TO YOU?  
PCA: kar you havvent evven said if youre injured wwhile evveryone else is dead or dyin  
PCA: i think survvivval is a fairly high priority for us all here  
PCA: and if you got an answwer i think wwe deservve to hear it  
PTC: hEy mOtHeRfUcKeRs wHaTs AlL uP aNd HaPpEnInG iN tHiS mOtHeRfUcKiNg FiEsTa?  
PCA: god damn it  
PCG: I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO GLAD TO SEE THAT GODAWFUL QUIRK BEFORE. HEY GAMZEE.  
PCG: ARE YOU ALIVE?  
PTC: i Am NoT mOtHeRfUcKiNg SuRe I gOt ThE kNoWiNg Of ThAt InFoRmAtIoN bRoThEr  
PTC: :o(  
PCG: HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW IF YOU'RE ALIVE OR NOT?  
PTC: i DoN't KnOw HoW tO bE uP aNd ChEcKiNg ThAt ShIt

\-- PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] unbanned PAST apocalypseArisen [PAA] from memo --

PCG: WELL?  
PAA: hes alive  
PAA: if barely  
PTC: HoLy sHiT SiStEr hOw'd yOu gEt tHe kNoWlEdGe oF ThAt mOtHeRfUcKiNg iNfO  
PAA: miracles  
PAA: 0u0  
PTC: dAmN gIrRrRrRrLlLl!!! :oD  
PTC: hOnK hOnK  
PCG: IF YOU CAN SCOOP UP ENOUGH OF YOUR THINKPAN TO FORM A COHERENT ANSWER, I'D *LOVE* A MORE DETAILED UPDATE.  
PTC: ItS A BiT DiFfIcUlT To sEt mY ThInK PaN StRaIgHt aT ThE MoMeNt  
PTC: GeT ThE RuSt sIs tO Be gEtTiNg yOuR KnOwLeDgE On  
PAA: i can 0nly see if y0ure dead  
PAA: i suppose i c0uld fl0at 0ver t0 y0ur hive and check it 0ut  
PTC: HaHa yOu dO ThAt sIs  
PAA: 0kay  
PCG: HOW LONG WILL THAT TAKE YOU?  
PAA: maybe an h0ur if im fast  
PCG: OH FUCK NO. GAMZEE YOU GET YOUR SODDEN PATHETIC ASS BACK HERE AND UPDATE US ON YOUR SITUATION.  
PTC: WeLl i dOnT KnOw wHeRe tO MoThErFuCkInG Up aNd sTaRt mY InVeRtEbRo  
PCG: HOW IS YOUR HEAD?  
PTC: HoWs a hEaD SuPpOsEd tO Be fEeLiNg aNd sHiT?  
PCG: OH MY GOD GAMZEE, HOW HIGH ARE YOU?  
PTC: I CaN'T Be aNsWeRiNg aLl tHeSe qUeStIoNs aT OnCe BrO  
PTC: My MaIn MoThErFuCkEr  
PTC: HoNk HoNk  
PTC: I ThInK NoT NeArLy aS HiGh aS I WaNt tO Be  
PCA: you cant avvoid this forevver kar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written may-june 2014


	11. The AU where they're ghosts (pt.2)

\-- CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] began pestering CURRENT gardenGnostic [CGG] at 15:24 -- 

CTG: ok i was going to ask for all the pertinent information i missed during my million year beauty sleep but  
CTG: what is up with pesterchum  
CTG: is there a need to mark this conversation as current  
CTG: are there little past and future daves running around  
CTG: probably dicking each other  
CTG: whos presence constitutes a high enough danger level to mark me as the present dave  
CTG: cant have future dave talking to his bros wed get some hella weird timey wimey bullcrap spawning paradoxes all over like an octomom universe  
CTG: or past dave just being an idiot and ruining everything  
CTG: youd put me in a home  
CTG: no jade im not losing my memory its PAST turntechGodhead rambling at you  
CTG: if only there was some sort of pesterchum app that could have saved me from this  
CGG: hey dave! i see you landed safely.  
CGG: i don't know why pesterchum does that. it actually just seems to be something to do with the planet  
CGG: rose theorizes it has to do with communication speed between us and the other planets  
CTG: have to do with the planet  
CTG: jade im no scientist but i feel like the entire setup of a program isnt something a planet could mess with very precisely  
CGG: :P spooky isnt it  
CGG: idk it was just a feeling  
CGG: i was going to come down and pick you up but we found a really cool new dig  
CTG: nah its ok  
CTG: who am i to keep a girl from her bones  
CTG: and her houses!  
CTG: i am plenty qualified to keep any girl i please away from their houses  
CTG: its an epidemic  
CTG: hardware stores run out of wood cause all the concerned dads are boarding up their daughters boudoirs  
CTG: but they all come flocking to me and i wake up covered in bitches  
CTG: a literal chick magnet its a curse i tell you  
CGG: well youve underestimated your magnetic power, cool kid!  
CGG: because i am currently standing in the best conserved alternian house we have found!  
CGG: and there are zero bones!  
CTG: your loss  
CGG: i know :| bones would help us a lot!  
CGG: anyway was there something you wanted?  
CTG: cant a man just check up on his best bro without an ulterior motive  
CGG: nope  
CTG: fine you caught me  
CTG: since i am so behind in the planet conquering deal i just wanted to get the basic outline  
CTG: is it dangerous  
CTG: should i have brought my gas mask and space suit  
CTG: oh shit daves dead if only someone had warned him this is not breathable air  
CTG: marauding aliens anywhere  
CTG: i do have my sword  
CTG: oh shit daves dead if only someone had warned him that there is so much carbon in the atmosphere swords explode and turn into 6000 flying death shards on contact with the air  
CTG: why did he bring a sword and not a space suit  
CTG: a single tear will roll down roses eye  
CTG: because hes an idiot  
CTG: but if youre busy evacuating dinosaur houses i can ask rose  
CTG: or john but what does john even do  
CTG: nothing 8D  
CTG: but im not busy these houses arent going to disappear while im not looking!  
CTG: dont jinx yourself harley  
CGG: there are zero found life forms on planet 314-sT!  
CGG: the air is breathable but there is slightly higher gravity  
CGG: theres just a ton of ruins everywhere  
CTG: somehow that does not seem safe  
CGG: weve found planets with ruins before! whole civilizations worth of ruins  
CGG: the interesting thing is how spaced out the houses are compared to on other planets  
CGG: even if they have close to the same structure, which made us think that this had to be a galactic empire of some sort  
CTG: so your saying were camping on the hopefully abandoned planets of darth vader  
CGG: theyre definitely abandoned and i dont think darth vadar has much to do with anything  
CGG: im not even sure he HAD an intergalactic empire tbh  
CTG: of course he did he was evil  
CTG: and then kirk and his incest sister and his gay spock concubine blew up the death star  
CGG: i dont think you know very much about 20th century pop culture dave >://  
CTG: yes i do dont let anyone else tell you differently  
CTG: i am the star force guru  
CTG: but why would an empire just up and move out though disregarding rogue heroes blowing shit up in drain pipes  
CTG: is this not sending warning bells off for anyone else  
CGG: oh, it is!  
CGG: i just ignore them because im not a HUGE WIMP!!  
CTG: strong words harley  
CTG: them are fighting words  
CGG: well im afraid well have to postpone this wrassle dave  
CGG: found lifeforms on planet 314-sT: 1??!

gardenGnostic [GG] has gone idle!

CTG: what  
CTG: harley  
CTG: HARLEY DO I NEED THE SWORD?  
CTG: YOU NEVER TOLD ME IF SWORDS EXPLODE  
CTG: goddamn

*

\-- CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] began pestering CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] at 17:14 --

CTG: i dont know how you tricked so many people into believing your a professional with a chumhandle like that  
CTG: its your professional one too isnt it you give that to the president and shit  
CEB: biology is what i do dave youll have to accept me one day  
CTG: ecto  
CEB: from the greek ektós meaning outer. you may not have noticed yet but you are in outer space!! and so am i  
CEB: im glad your finally here buddy  
CTG: no homo  
CEB: full homo  
CTG: dont give me any ideas  
CTG: i have been stuck in a ship for a decade my dick is revving to go  
CTG: speaking of which harley left me hanging shamefaced hours ago what happened  
CEB: please dont talk about my sister like that  
CTG: she just had another big bone to attend to  
CTG: alas i am not the smooth white relic she wants to dig out of her hole  
CEB: go back to earth you filthy filthy man  
CEB: there are no bones on 314-sT anyway at least not yet  
CTG: believe me there is at least one bone  
CTG: standing proud and tall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written may-june 2014


	12. VACRAYTION!!!!

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC] \--

CA: mission update  
CA: the revvolution has been suppressed  
CA: ringleaders arrested NOT executed and they are on board the )(IS bathos rn  
CC:T)(ank you eridan!!!!!  
CC: i KN----EW t)(is would go SWIMMINGLY  
CA: you got that right princess  
CA: that wwas easier than blowwin up a wwhale  
CC: )(a)(a  
CC: so if t)(e reelvolution is D---EAD, im going to give you..........  
CC: A VACRAYTION!!!! 38D  
CA: huh  
CC: ug)(, --------ERIDAN!!!! You know w)(at a VACATION is!  
CC: a BR-EAK  
CA: i dont wwant a break  
CA: wwhat am i supposed to do on a break  
CA: drink tootie froots on a beach and shoot lowwbloods  
CA: thats wwhat i do anywway fef i dont need to stop fightin for that  
CC: you N------E------ED a BR---AK!!!!  
CC: i am ORD---ERING YOU in t)(e name of )(-ER GRAC-E to take a goddamn break!  
CA: FINE if you dont wwant me i wwill take a break  
CC: T)(ATS NOT W)(AT I'M SAYING!!!  
CA: i get wwhat youre saying i get it  
CA: no need to glub it out itd be embarrssin for both of us  
CC: W)(Y are you so M-ELODRAMATIC?  
CC: you're like t)(is ALL t)(e TIM-E  
CC: I JUST WANT YOU TO TAK-E A R-EST  
CA: fine  
CA: ill take your fuckin precious rest  
CA: see you, your majesty  
CC: ---ERIDAN!! 38(

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC] \--

Your name is ERIDAN AMPORA, and you are a very important person. So very important. You importance can not even be measured in normal units, so you have to use the astronomical units starfleet captains use to measure distances between planets. Have you mentioned you're a starfleet general. You're in charge of all the ships Alternia claims to have military rights to, which is all the ships. All of them.

Right now, you wearing bermuda shorts and haggling with a lowblood cashier. You are not going to pay one more cent than you have to, and the idea of some sort of "charity donation" is appalling to you and you will not have it near you. This you demonstrate by knocking over a bucket with a picture of sick grub pasted clumsily on it. Fef- The goddamn empress has told you to go on a vacation, and to enjoy it, so you are going to to have a delightful vacation just to spite her. That’ll show her, alright. 

"Jadebloods are paid by the government and don't need any extra compensation," you say, and slam your hand on the counter. "How the fuck is this mandatory!" 

The yellowblood raises his hands. "It's not sir, its a suggestion." 

You cross your arms. "I don't have to pay extra for this?"

"No sir," the yellowblood says, and rings up your purchase. "Enjoy your stay." 

You walk out of the tackily themed shack and into the burning air of Planet XAM 9, especially known for it’s vast beaches and clean, warm water with very little to say in the way of local fauna and animal life. It is almost entirely populated by bureaucrats forced to go on an enjoyable vacation by the moirail, but not too enjoyable lest they preemptively retire. 

An interesting fact about Planet XAM 9: you’re the one who discovered it. That’s what the AM stands for, ampora. The Alternian planetary naming system is very complex, and you don’t even feel like thinking about it in your thoughts, but there are whole solar systems of planets with AM in their title. This is the first one you’ve been forced to set foot on for more than a week, not included outright warfare. 

Except for the outright warfare this planet’s sun is waging on your skin. This is one of the places where everyone just decided that no one could stay out at night anymore, like proper, son-fearing trolls, and the sun’s just far enough away that people can get away with saying that its in perpetual twilight, but you know they’re wrong. The floppy hat you just bought is not doing jack shit, and the one-size-fits-all horn holes are extremely small and too high up for your horns to even have a chance. This is what a planet criminally devoid of tailors becomes, generals walking around in miniscule hats and shorts, and holy shit is that is the Grand Assailant of the Empiric Treasury walking past, and _his hat fits him just fine_. 

You skulk over to your beach chair and pick up the magazine you left.


	13. evvolutionary bullshit

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

CA: hey kar  
CA: kar  
CA: cmon i knoww youre online  
CG: FOR THE LAST TIME, I DO NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH YOUR BULLSHIT, OK?  
CG: MY BULLSHIT CARDS HAVE BEEN ALL DEALT OUT, AND THEN TORN UP AND THROWN INTO THE WASTE AREA ALONG WITH THE FUCKS I GAVE  
CA: givvin awway your caste there kar  
CG: WHAT  
CA: wwaste area  
CA: so i can eliminate evverythin abovve green  
CA: not that anyone actually thought you wwere a decent color  
CG: OH MY GOD, JUST GO SUCK ON YOUR OWN BULGE AND EVERYONE WILL APPRECIATE YOUR MOUTH BEING TOO FULL TO PISS ANY DECENT TROLLS OFF  
CA: haha you knoww im kiddin  
CG: YOU SAY THAT BUT YOU'RE REALLY NOT, OTHERWISE THIS WOULD BE A CONVERSATION I WOULDN'T HAVE TO AVOID.  
CA: god nevvermind  
CA: back to the real topic  
CG: NO ERIDAN. NO. THE N AND O KEYS ARE WEARING OFF MY KEYBOARD, AND YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE. YOU'LL HAVE TO BUY ME A NEW ONE, YOU ASSHOLE.  
CA: just dont hunt n peck and type like a normal troll  
CG: BLASPHEMY  
CA: or you could just givve up and let me talk  
CG: YOUR 'SCIENCE' IS A DISGRACE TO ALL SCIENTERRORISTS EVERYWHERE. THREE OF THEM ARE CULLED EVERY TIME YOU TRY AND POSTULATE THE THEORIES YOU GET OFF OF SRA AND PURPLE EXTREMIST SITES. THE AVERAGE BRAINCELLS FOR EVERYONE GO DOWN. YOU'RE CREATING A NEWER, DUMBER SPECIES. EVOLUTION, BITCH.  
CG: THE VERY FACT THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE ME *GIVE UP* ALREADY SHOWS HOW WRONG YOU ARE. PEOPLE DON'T HAVE TO BRACE THEMSELVES TO LISTEN TO REAL SCIENCE.  
CA: theres legitimate facts behind a lot of bullshit kar if youd just listen  
CA: and if youre going to go wwith the hemonynomous casteless equality shtick you should knoww the facts  
CG: 1) IT IS NOT A SHTICK AND YOU SHOULD STOP OBSESSING ABOUT MY BLOOD COLOR. NO ONE ELSE CAN STOP FISTING THEMSELVES LONG ENOUGH TO GIVE A SHIT, AND I THINK YOU NEED TO GET LEARN FROM THEIR FINE EXAMPLE. EVEN EQUIUS ONLY GETS MILDLY SWEATY AT MY D--> %TREME DISPLAYS OF L00DNESS AND DISREGARDING CASTE  
CG: 2) THEY ARE YOUR THEORIES AND THEY ARE WRONG, SO LISTENING TO THEM ARE LIKELY TO GET ME 100% MORE DEAD. BOOM, REAL SCIENCE.  
CG: SERIOUSLY, ASK ANYONE NOT HOPPED UP ON THEIR OWN BLOOD. THERE IS NEGATIVE PROOF. ALL YOU HAVE IS SOME INSECURE SEADWELLER STICKING THEIR NAILS THROUGH THEIR SEEDFLAP AND WONDERING HOW HE CAN MANIPULATE SCIENCE TO MAKE HIM SEEM BETTER THAN THE DUMB LOWBLOODS WHO BEAT THEM AT FLARP THAT ONE TIME AND MAYBE DUMPED THEM. ONLY THEY REALIZED SCIENCE COULDN'T BE STRETCHED THAT FAR SO THEY JUST PULLED WORDS FROM THEIR WASTECHUTE UNTIL THEY WERE SATISFIED WITH THE STEAMING PILE OF SHIT THEY SMEARED ON THEIR COMPUTER SCREEN.  
CG: AND NOW YOU'RE LYING THAT SHIT ON A PLATE IN FRONT OF ME, SHIFTING THROUGH IT UNTIL YOU FIND A PARTICULAR PIECE OF RUNNY, RANCID SEADWELLER DIARRHEA AND TELLING ME IT'S GOLD KAR *REELY* NOT SHIT AT ALL  
CA: i dont make fish puns  
CG: SIGH  
CA: please  
CG: SIGH x2  
CA: wwith cherries on top  
CG: WERE YOU NOT EVEN READING THAT  
CA: did you knoww kans anglin for fef  
CG: THAT WAS A FISH PUN WASN'T IT.  
CA: you wwanna knoww or not  
CG: ...  
CG: GO ON.  
CA: not until you promise to listen to my perfectly vvalid science and respond wwith minimum vvemon and maybe a bit a thoughtful consideration  
CG: CONCUPISCENT?  
CA: kans waxing so scarlet shes practically carrin her sewing supplies around in buckets  
CA: did i mention shes around fefs hivve evveryday with needles and tape measures etc  
CG: THAT SEEMS LIKE A PALE ACTIVITY  
CA: i knoww right but i havve it hearts on good authority  
CG: WHAT? WHO'S?  
CA: my lips are sealed  
CG: GOD DAMN YOU AMPORA  
CA: god is actually a vvery interestin subject  
CG: I WILL LISTEN TO YOUR PSEUDOSCIENCE BUT I DO NOT HAVE TO SIT THROUGH YOUR AGGRESSIVE ATHEISM  
CA: im not atheist i literally help feed the closest concept a god wwe havve  
CA: only a true idiot wwould be atheist in that kinda situation  
CG: NO ANTHROPOLOGY  
CA: but the idea that we call gly'glob god is a bit inconsistent wwith our beliefs n folklore in the subject  
CA: anthropology is just as vvalid as evvolutionary biology kar  
CG: I REFUSE. I COULD JUST GO ASK KANAYA MYSELF. IN FACT, WHY DON'T I DO THAT, HM?  
CA: kar cmon please  
CA: youre the only one wwho doesnt leavve the moment i come online  
CG: MAYBE PEOPLE WOULD LISTEN TO YOU IF YOU WEREN'T SO ANNOYING AND ALSO AWFUL.  
CA: its not my fault  
CG: ITS EXACTLY YOUR FAULT. THERE IS ZERO OTHER TROLLS TO BLAME.  
CA: theyre all jerks  
CG: YOU ACTUALLY THINK THAT IF EVERYONE AVOIDS YOU, ITS THEIR FAULT? LOOK AT THE COMMON VARIABLE HERE: IS IT THE VARIOUS DOUCHEBAGS WITH HEALTHY INDEPENDENT FRIENDSHIPS AND MULTIPLE INTERESTS OR THE ONE DOUCHEBAG WITH FUCKED UP CODEPENDENT QUADRANTS AND AN ASSHOLE STREAK LONGER AND GAUDIER THAN THE OTHER ASSHOLE STREAK IN HIS HAIR?  
CA: i am not the asshole  
CA: youre the asshole  
CG: ...  
CG: ......  
CA: no  
CG: .........  
CG: ............  
CG: ...............  
CA: those things arent going to scare me  
CG: ..................  
CG: .....................  
CA: FINE  
CA: i didnt wwant any of this convversation  
CG: NEITHER DID I. NOW YOU'RE LEARNING EMPATHY, CONGRATULATIONS ON FINALLY GRADUATING GRADE 1 ON THE DECENCY SCALE  
CG: GRADE 2 COVERS THE SLOW, PAINFUL EROSION OF THAT EMPATHY IN THE FACE OF AN UNCARING, VIOLENT WORLD.  
CA: wwhats grade 3  
CG: YOU DIE UNHAPPY AND ALONE.  
CA: your vview of the wworld is so adorable  
CA: you say you hate evverythin but wwe both knoww youre a big softie at heart  
CG: BIG SOFTIE?  
CA: sorry i mean big tough badassoftie  
CG: THERE YOU GO. NOW TELL ME WHAT HEINOUS SLANDER YOU WANT TO POUR INTO MY EARS TODAY.  
CA: wwhy lowwbloods havve psyonics right  
CG: SHOOT ME. SCIENCE ISN'T SCIENCE IF HAS AN AGENDA ERIDAN, I HAVE TOLD YOU THIS.  
CA: but you knoww the official reason right  
CG: TOO MAKE UP FOR THEIR OTHERWISE WEAK PHYSICAL STATES AND MAK DEM DUM  
CA: your treason is showwin  
CA: but yeah  
CA: thats obvviously not alwways true though look vvris  
CA: shes got decent psionics evven though she should be abovve that  
CA: its a govvernment conspiracy thats wwhat  
CG: LISTEN, WOULD YOU TALK TO A LOWBLOOD ABOUT THIS?  
CA: im talkin to you arent i  
CG: PLEASE. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A CLUE.  
CG: WHAT IF I HOOKED YOU UP WITH A LOWBLOOD WHO ACTUALLY KNEW ENOUGH TO ARGUE WITH YOU? WOULD YOU BE POLITE ENOUGH TO BE SCHOOLED OR WOULD YOU BE A PRICK?  
CA: but kar i like talkin to you  
CG: THE FEELING IS NOT MUTUAL. I DON'T CARE ABOUT SCIENCE BUT I FEEL BAD LETTING YOU WALLOW IN YOUR OWN RACIST IGNORANCE. CAPISCE?  
CA: but wwhat if they hate me  
CG: THEN YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME YOUR BEST MAN.  
CA: cmon be serious  
CG: OF COURSE THEY'RE GOING TO HATE YOU. YOU'RE AN ASSWIPE. THE GOAL IS TO MAKE YOU LESS OF AN ASSWIPE, MAYBE A HANDKERCHIEF OR SOMETHING.  
CG: HOLD ON, LET ME ASK HER. 

*

carcinoGeneticist began trolling apocolypseArisen

CG: YOU LIKE HISTORY.  
AA: g00d 0bservati0n  
CG: WOULD YOU MIND TALKING TO THIS HIGHBLOOD OBSESSED WITH EVOLUTIONARY SCIENCE?  
AA: hist0ry is n0t science karkat  
AA: why d0 y0u ask

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written june 8, 2014


	14. ANTHROPOLOGY BULLSHIT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat and Rose set out to discuss the cultural differences regarding romantic taboos in human and troll life. They get sidetracked.
> 
> TG: its a small meteor after all  
> TG: full of laughter and tears and things that smell delicious  
> TG: mostly tears  
> TG: mostly karkats  
> TG: also my laughter but for once my emotions on the subject are irrelevant because you made karkat cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> takes place somewhere in the first year of being on the meteor, known in the homestuck vernacular as 'before dave and karkat became bros'

GA: I Know This Has Been Covered Before But I Was A Virgin With A Virgin Mother Grub  
GA: I Had Barely Explored Romance Beyond Conciliatory And Had Certainly Not Delved Far Enough Into Anything To Know What Could Be Considered Taboo  
GA: I Was Not An Aficionado At The Internet Either And Did Not Care To Look Up What Was Unacceptable  
GA: I Could Tell You The Exact Biological Process Evolved In Reproduction But None Of The Feelings Connected With It  
TT: And that's perfectly alright. I understand it must be difficult to look at your own species from an anthropological perspective.  
TT: I often find myself for a loss when describing things to you, and I made a habit of observing and analyzing human behaviors for a very long time before our universe was destroyed.  
GA: I Think You Have Done A Great Job Rose Even If Im Not Fond Of This Particular Project I Will Support Your Endeavor From The Sidelines  
GA: But I Suggest You Consult Karkat For Your Romance Needs  
TT: I hope that does not include *all* of my romance needs.  
GA: Rose I  
GA: Rose I Apologize I Could Not Be More Help But I Know I Have A Firm Grasp Of Troll Biology I Would Be Happy To Share With You  
TT: My door is always unlocked and open Kanaya.  
TT: Though I think I could remedy that during your visit.  
GA: Ill Be Right There

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] at 05:48 --

*

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG]began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] at 11:15 --

terminallyCapricious [TC] is an idle troll!

CG: GAMZEE, I REALLY NEED TO TALK TO YOU. I KNOW YOU'RE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.  
CG: PLEASE.  
CG: I'LL BE IN MY ROOM.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] at 11:16 --

*

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 13:55 --

TT: Hello Karkat.  
CG: OH GREAT, IT'S THE GRIMDARK BITCH. WHY ARE YOU COPYING KANAYA'S QUIRK? DOES SHOVING YOUR LANGUAGE HOLE UP SOMEONES NOOK THE PRECURSOR TO POSSESSION? IS THAT THE HUMAN CUSTOM: WINE, DINE, EXORCISE?  
TT: See, on Earth we capitalize the first letter of each sentence along with given names. At least, we do in English. I can see how on Alternia you might not have such specific grammar rules, considering your wide variety of typing quirks. I can also see how you may not of realized this already, given my friends' abysmal grammar and your own lack of attention to details.  
TT: Though that does raise a question on how much your quirks are connected to your identity. See, we've barely even started and we're already getting this exciting dialogue going.  
TT: Unfortunately, typing quirks are not what I've come here for.  
CG: I WOULD BE DISAPPOINTED, BUT TRUTHFULLY I AM NOT SURPRISED. WHY WOULD ANYTHING GO EASILY FOR KARKAT VANTAS? WHY NOT JUST STICK ME FACE FIRST IN A BUCKET AND PROP ME IN A NICE CORNER, OR PERHAPS AN UNUSED CLOSET, BECAUSE MAYBE THEN THINGS WOULD BE EASY AND I WOULD BE LEFT ALONE.  
CG: THOUGH KNOWING THIS CROWD OF CRAZIES I HAVE BEEN FORCED TO SPEND OUT MY REMAINING DAYS WITH, SOMEONE WOULD FIND A WAY TO MAKE BEING STUFFED INTO A BUCKET AND LEFT ALONE AWFUL AND ANNOYING.  
TT: At least you’d have one bucket filled.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK LALONDE. WHAT THE FUCK.  
TT: It was a joke. In human culture, a common response is laughter.  
CG: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS. I COULD BE SITTING ALONE IN MY ROOM, MAKING A DUMB STUPID BLANKET HIVE FOR STUPID DUMB WIGGLERS, BUT I AM MAGNANIMOUSLY LENDING MY OUT TO HELP YOU WITH WHATEVER SHITTY TASK YOU DECIDED IT WAS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY TO FORCE ME TO DO, BECAUSE YOU NEVER *EVER* TROLL ME IF YOU DON’T WANT SOMETHING, NO ONE DOES. BUT I DO NOT DESERVE TO HAVE MY EMPTY CONCUPISCENT QUADRANTS MOCKED BY SOMEONE WITHOUT HORNS.  
CG: SO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, AND MAKE IT SNAPPY, BEFORE MY AURAL CLOTS FALL OF MY HEAD AND MY FINGERS TURN TO STONE WHILE I AM FLIPPING YOU OFF.  
TT: I was under the impression you already were holed up in your room, blanket fort or not.  
CG: GET. ON. WITH. IT.  
TT: Romantic taboos.  
CG: ...  
CG: OKAY, YOU GOT ME. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO SAY. CONGRATULATIONS, MY GLOTTIS TUBE HAS BEEN TORN OUT AND LEFT TO DRY IN THE TORTUOUS ALTERNIAN SUN. SOON YOU CAN FEAST ON THE NUTRITIOUS REMAINS, WHICH I'M SURE YOU'LL ENJOY.  
TT: Kanaya and I have discussed Alternian culture, especially the quadrant system, at great length, but she was unable to think of anything major that was deemed completely unacceptable by the majority of society. She's also very bad at imagining hypothetical situations.  
TT: And I'll admit that she may have done better if I had done a more specific interrogation, but necrophilia and exogamy aren't romantic conversation topics.  
TT: Human culture had a plethora of taboos, which dictated both sexual and platonic interactions between humans. If you created our world, why is there such a disparity?  
CG: HOW DO I GET THIS OVER WITH AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE?  
TT: Just answer the questions. Preferably with detail.  
TT: And don't pretend you haven't been dying to lecture on romance, Karkat.  
CG: EVEN I WOULDN’T BE SO STUPID AS TO LIE THAT BLATANTLY. BUT TABOOS AREN’T ACTUALLY VERY ROMANTIC? THEY’RE ACTUALLY SORT OF SHITTY. ROMCOMS ARE NOT MADE OF THAT SORT OF SHIT, BUT RATHER A FINER, MORE DIGNIFIED SORT OF SHIT THAT WAS ACCEPTABLE TO ENJOY AND THE TROLL RESPONSIBLE FOR PRODUCING THE SHIT DIDN’T EAT DISGUSTING, DISGUSTING, MORALLY WRONG THINGS BEFORE SHITTING.  
TT: Karkat, have I ever complimented on your subtle and dignified mode of speech?  
CG: NO.  
TT: Good, it seems my past self was at least somewhat rational.  
TT: Let’s move on. Kanaya and I already went over the gender issue. Or rather, a lack of an issue.  
CG: UGH.  
TT: So let's go directly on to age.  
CG: WHAT ABOUT IT?  
TT: Were younger and older trolls allowed to form concupiscent or conciliatory relationships with each other? How great of an age gap was common/allowed?  
CG: YOUNG TROLLS AND ADULTS DID NOT MIX. EVER. I HOPE I CAN POUND THAT INTO YOUR WEAK HUMAN SKULL, BECAUSE IT IS A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF THE NOOK DESTROYING BILGE THAT PASSED FOR A CULTURE ON ALTERNIA.  
TT: Kanaya had told me that adults had been banished from the homeworld some time ago, though she was a bit cagey on the exact details. Did adults never get stationed on Alternia, for any reason?  
CG: JADEBLOODS MIGHT HAVE, IF THEY WERE ASSIGNED TO THE BROODING CAVERNS. BUT THEY NEVER WOULD HAVE LEFT THE CAVES UNLESS THEY WERE BEING DEPORTED. I SUPPOSE THAT A REALLY, REALLY DUMB TROLL COULD HAVE WANDERED IN THERE?  
TT: And what would happen then?  
CG: THEY WOULD BE CULLED ON SIGHT, AND PROBABLY FED TO THE MOTHERGRUB, OR MAYBE THE WIGGLERS. I GUESS THE JADEBLOODS THEMSELVES MIGHT EAT THEM IF THEY'RE HUNGRY, THOUGH I DON'T SEE WHY THEY WOULD BE IF THEY WERE SURROUNDED BY DEFENSELESS GRUBS.  
CG: I'VE HEARD *RUMORS* THAT JADEBLOODS ALL GO CRAZY SINCE THEY CAN'T EVER GET OUT OF THOSE DUMB FUCKING CAVES THOUGH, WHICH WOULD BE AS GOOD A REASON AS ANY TO EAT A PUPATED TROLL.  
CG: LOOK, THIS IS ALL STUFF KANAYA KNOWS A LOT MORE ABOUT. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN HER IF WE HADN'T DESTROYED THE UNIVERSE.  
CG: ARE YOU GOING TO PICK YOUR JAW OFF THE KEYBOARD AND REPLY ANYTIME SOON, OR SHOULD I MICROWAVE SOME GRUBCORN AND WAIT?  
TT: I admit that my human sensibilities may be influencing my judgement, but it’s hard to believe that a sentient culture would be so very allowing of cannibalism.  
TT: Though I guess I’m disregarding the various cannibal tribal islands, but I believe that they made sure the humans were enemies before roasting them on the spit.  
TT: Was this normal?  
CG: I LIKE TO BELIEVE NO ONE WOULD GO WANDERING INTO THE BROODING CAVERNS, BUT I KNOW THERE WAS SOME TROLL WHOSE THINKPAN WAS LEAKING FROM HIS EARS WHO THOUGHT MEETING AN ADULT WOULD BE HONKY BUGFUCK MIRACLES AND WANDERED IN HOPING FOR SOME FREE GRUBS. BUT YEAH, NORMAL FOR HOW EVER OFTEN THAT HAPPENED.  
TT: That's not exactly what I meant. Was the eating of young normal, for any troll?  
CG: YOU HAVE HAD GRUBCORN, RIGHT? IT’S ALL WE HAVE TO FUCKING EAT ON THIS GODDAMN HUNK OF ROCK.  
TT: Yes, I have.  
TT: Oh God don’t tell me.  
CG: CONGRATULATIONS, ROSE, YOU HAVE PARTAKEN IN A NORMAL PART OF ALTERNIAN CULTURE AND ARE NOW ON YOUR WAY TO THE ABLUTION TRAP TO SPILL ALL THOSE PERFECTLY GOOD GRUBS OUT OF YOUR GULLET, I AM SURE. IF I CAN JUDGE YOUR REACTION BY DAVE’S, ANYWAY.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 15:40 -

CG: THIS IS THE BEST DAY.

*

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 15:56 --

TT: Kanaya, how is grubcorn made?  
GA: May I Inquire As To Why You Have Such A Sudden Interest In Alternian Foodstuffs  
GA: Have You Already Moved On From The Romantic Taboos Because If You Have I Must Admit To Being Quite Relieved It Was Making Everyone Uncomfortable  
TT: I have not moved on, I'm simply confirming the veracity of some rumors. Idle curiosity, nothing more.  
TT: Indulge me.  
GA: Alright  
GA: The Standard Warning, I Am Not An Expert, Etc  
GA: Folklore Says It Started Out As A Local Cuisine Among Alternian Stationed Jadebloods Who Tired Of The Military Issued Food And Took Grubs Who Had Failed Their Tests And Deep Fried Them  
GA: Eventually Someone Had The Idea Of Rolling Them In Bread Them First  
GA: Some Of That Unit Were Reassigned To Other Planets And The Idea Spread  
GA: If You Want A Detailed Recipe Im Afraid I Cant Give It To You I Just Alchemize It  
TT: No, that's enough.  
TT: I'm assuming that this is a common food, is that correct?  
GA: Yes It Had Become Especially Popular Among Lowbloods Due To Its Affordability And Nutrition  
GA: Though I Believe Highbloods Had Some Different More Expensive Versions Befitting Of Their Rank  
GA: Grubcorn From Grubs That Had Passed Their Trials Or Had Not Even Had A Chance To Take Them Were Common Among Seadwellers  
GA: High Class Restaurants Served Grubs Who Had Been Fried Live Just Like The Jadebloods Originally Made Them  
GA: And Others Had Them Made Special From The Corpses Of Mutants Or The Otherwise Deformed Karkat Was Actually Very Lucky To Escape That Though I Believe He Mentioned Cultist Benefaction At One Point  
TT: And there was no state sanction limiting this?  
GA: Well Embargoes Were Placed On How Many Purples And Up Could Be Culled And Those Within The Legal Limits Were Fairly Contraband  
GA: And Of Course Jadebloods Like Myself Were Never Exported Considering The Rarity Of The Caste And A Certain Loyalty Between The Jadebloods In The Brooding Caverns To The Grubs  
TT: And these grubs we are referring to are the infants of the troll species? The species you belong to? Trolls?  
GA: Yes You Could Call Grubs Baby Trolls Only That Would Be Wrong And Make You Sound Very Dumb  
GA: Specifically Grubs Are Trolls Who Have Not Yet Gone Into Their Cocoons But Had Already Taken The Grub Trials  
TT: And when we eat grubcorn, we are eating the fried remains of these pre-metamorphic trolls?  
GA: Yes  
GA: Rose You Are Usually The Most Intelligent Human Are You Losing Your Touch

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 16:27 --

GA: Rose  
GA: ?

*

terminallyCapricious [TC] is online!

\-- terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 16:15 --

TC: HeY bRo I'm CoMiNg OvEr  
TC: i gotta be up and talking to you too  
TC: MOTHERFUCKING LET LOOSE INTO THOSE FLESH FLAPS HANGING OFF YOUR FACE  
TC: honk  
TC: HONK

\-- terminallyCapricious [TC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 16:15 --

*

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 16:30 --

TT: When did you find out.  
TG: bro told me after i walked in on him with a smuppet up his ass and my english teachers dick in his mouth  
TG: third grade  
TT: I am not in the mood.  
TG: rose there are so many things you could be talking about  
TG: your hanky panky with kanaya for example  
TG: answer: when i walked in on you with your hand down her panties in the tv room  
TG: stop doing that btw we have rooms for a reason  
TG: accidentaly become a voyeor to a lesbian orgy isnt as fun as porn makes it look  
TG: or how to alchemize beer  
TG: apparently in thirty six hours meteor if i can be trusted which i usually can  
TG: me and dave have a solid bromance going on hed never betray me  
TG: he didnt say why i would need to drown my troubles in piss but  
TG: what would be living if i didnt have some surprises left  
TG: which is a fundamental difference between you and me  
TG: one of many  
TG: surprisingly does not include a mutual love of vajayjays  
TT: Dave.  
TG: or maybe you're referring to the time i first managed a heart to heart talk with my budding sexuality  
TG: or when i realized many of freuds theories are considered by psychologists and i quote the bottom of the shit pond of bad quack doctors  
TG: the marianas trench of headcase theories  
TG: or maybe when i realized that the only thing i would end up inheriting was a porn empire  
TT: Dave Strider.  
TT: The incident I am referring to  
TT: What I'm trying to allude to is  
TT: When the hell did you learn that grubcorn was made of baby trolls?  
TG: is it  
TG: well color me surprised  
TG: no wonder it tastes like diapers  
TG: better go beat up karkat for forcing me to become a baby eater  
TG: ill let you take ur gf down  
TG: youd be going down on her either way  
TT: Karkat told me you knew. He mentioned throwing up?  
TG: brb gotta beat him up for realz  
TT: I am standing outside the door to the main room. If you are not out here in two minutes, I will extend our in person therapy session thirty minutes for every second you keep me waiting.  
TT: And I will get you eventually Dave. Don't try and run away.  
TT: Starting now.  
TG: rose  
TG: rosie  
TT: I'm waiting.  
TG: it wasnt my fault  
TG: i was gonna tell you soon  
TG: cmon  
TT: I'm beginning to get impatient.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 17:05 --

*

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 17:05 --

TG: if i die its your fault  
TG: if i live  
TG: you  
TG: are  
TG: going  
TG: DOWN

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 17:06 --

*

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG]  began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 09:47 --

CG: I THINK DAVE IS FINALLY WAXING BLACK FOR ME. HE MADE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL COME ON IT WAS JUST CLASSIC.  
GC: JUST LIKE WHAT TROLL ARIIEL SAID TO URSULA WHEN SHE FOUND URSULA MAKING OUT WITH HER FLUSHCRUSH.  
GA: First Off In Which A Young Seadweller Falls In Love With A High Caste Landdweller And Flees Her Lusus Etc Is Not A Good Representation Of A Healthy Kismesistude Considering How Onesided It Was  
GA: Which Is A Very Good Representation Of The Relationship Between You And Dave After All So Nevermind  
GC: ARIIEL RETURNED IT AFTER URSULA MADE OUT WITH EIRRIC. SO THERE.  
GA: Then She Killed Her Which Was Unhealthy For Everyone  
GA: Also The Violence In That Movie Was Over The Top I Dont Know How They Got Away With A LG Considering It Was A Fuschiablood  
GA: Why Do You Even Like That Movie Its Anti Mutant Propaganda  
GC: I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY ARIIEL HAD TO GO TO URSULA TO MAGICALLY REMOVE HER FINS WHEN SHE COULD HAVE CUT THEM OFF HERSELF. OR JUST GONE ON LAND WITH THEM IT'S NOT LIKE SEADWELLERS CAN'T BREATHE AIR.  
GA: She Had To Fit In And Win Eirric On Her Own Merit And Not Just Of Her Blood Besides Eirric Was Rascist  
GC: WELL SHE COULD OF HAD HIM EASY FINS AND ALL *BY* MERIT OF HER BLOOD IF SHE HADNT GONE TO THE SEA WITCH. NO ONE'S GOING TO REFUSE THE HEIRESS. AND WHY WOULD SHE GO FOR A RASCIST INDIGO SHE HAD NEVER MET?  
GA: No We Are Getting Off Topic I Wont Fall For This Again  
GA: We Talked About This Already Karkat  
GA: What Did We Say  
CG: BUT KANAYA, DAVE WAS PERFECT.  
GA: Karkat  
GA: Repeat What We Decided On  
CG: YOU ARE NOT MY MOIRAIL, HUMANS DON'T HAVE QUADRANTS.  
GA: Good  
CG: BUT  
GA: No And Even If I Had Pale Feelings For You Which I Dont I Am Focusing On My Relationship With Rose  
GA: And My Feelings For Your Current Moirail Are Not Romantic But They Are Certainly Not Conciliatory Either Which Would Make The Whole Situation Awkward And Too Much Like A Romcom For Me To Be Comfortable With It  
GA: And I Am Worried About Rose At The Moment So I Dont Have Time To Indulge You  
CG: *EX MOIRAIL  
CG: WHAT'S WRONG WITH ROSE?  
GA: I Dont Know She Was Asking Me About Grubcorn And Then She Just Left And She Was Acting Weird Oh  
Fuck What Did I Do  
GA: I Hate Arguing We Always Smears Into Pale  
CG: OH THAT'S EASY. I TOLD HER GRUBCORN WAS MADE OF GRUBS, AND APPARENTLY THAT IS REALLY LOOKED DOWN UPON IN HUMAN CULTURE? WHICH ISN'T SURPRISING IF YOU CONSIDER HOW FUCKING WEAK THEY ARE, LUSII OF THE SAME SPECIES, ETC.  
CG: DAVE EXPLAINED IT TO ME AFTER HE THREW UP BUT I DONT REALLY REMEMBER MUCH BECAUSE, SURPRISE, I DONT CARE.  
GA: !

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 10:05 --

CG: THIS IS THE WORST DAY.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now an idle troll!

GA: Wait Did You Say Ex Moirail

carcinoGeneticist [CG] is offline!

*

carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now online!

 

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 10:26 --

TT: Oh good, you're online.  
CG: SORRY I HAD A FIGHT WITH A PERSON ABOUT A THING.  
CG: NO WAIT, I AM NOT SORRY. I'M CHANGING MY GREETING TO "CONGRATULATIONS FOR STATING THE OBVIOUS." I DON'T CARE IF YOU WAITED OR NOT BECAUSE I STILL DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. HOW HARD IS IT FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT I WANT TO SIT HERE ALONE?  
CG: I KNOW HUMANS AREN'T THAT SMART, BUT YOU HAD SOMEHOW FOOLED ME INTO BELIEVING YOU WERE CAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING THE WORDS ON YOUR SCREEN. THOUGH NON LITERACY EXPLAINS A LOT ABOUT DAVE.  
CG: LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR: LEAVE. ME. ALONE.  
TT: Why is it that you want to avoid me so much?  
TT: I have never specifically done anything to you, I barely even talk to you.  
TT: I'm forced to assume that you are getting your information from Dave.  
TT: Which is a rather worrying thought, that Dave managed to talk about between your constant strifes.  
CG: *PLATONIC STRIFES  
TT: And taking into account Dave's rather inflated opinion on me and my skills and what he is likely to ramble on about to you, the most logical conclusion is that you have an emotional problem you want to hide and believe that I can pry out of you.  
TT: I am sure I *could* pry whatever secrets I wanted out of you, but I'm not interested in that at the moment. I wanted to apologize.  
CG: WHAT?  
TT: Excuse me, I am somewhat out of practice at this.  
TT: I can see how you may believe I had overreacted at your revelation. I'd explain to you why in human culture, my response could be considered more of an underreaction,...  
CG: NO NO NO I DON'T GIVE THE SLIGHTEST FUCK ABOUT YOUR HUMAN CULTURE I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE LALALA NO MORE PINK TEXT.  
TT: ...but I'm sure you don't care.  
TT: I'd like to continue our discussion, and I promise not flip out about any Alternian practices. Deal?  
CG: AS MUCH AS I HATE TO CONCEDE ANYTHING TO YOU LALONDE, YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY FLIP THE FUCK OUT. IT COULD BARELY BE CONSIDERED FLYING OFF THE HANDLE. YOU JUST STOPPED PESTERING ME, WHICH WAS MORE OF A RELIEF THAN ANYTHING ELSE.  
CG: BE MORE WORRIED ABOUT KANAYA. YOU KNOW, CONSIDERING SHE ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT YOU FOR SOME REASON I CAN NOT COMPREHEND. THOUGH YOU COULD DO WITH SOME MORE WORK ON YOUR APOLOGIES.  
TT: I don't want to get into my relationship problems right now, but thank you for the thought.  
TT: It's not even that big of a deal.  
CG: IT IS FOR KANAYA.  
TT: Can we please move on?  
TT: You made it quite clear that no interaction between an adult and a child would go well, or result in any sort of a relationship above that of a lady and her next meal. But, hypothetically, no real life examples, if someone who was say 5 sweeps got involved with someone who was 15 sweeps, what would you think of their relationship?  
CG: WHICH QUADRANT?  
TT: Hearts.  
CG: WHY NOT, IF IT'S SERENDIPITY.  
TT: Spades.  
CG: I DON'T SEE HOW THE 5 SWEEP OLD WOULD HAVE ANYTHING TO OFFER IN THAT RELATIONSHIP. WHAT KIND OF LOSER NEEDS TO COMPETE WITH SOMEONE WHO PROBABLY HASN'T EVER LAID EYES ON A BUCKET AND STILL HAS THEIR LARVAL SHELL HUNG PROUDLY ON THEIR MANTLE?  
TT: But the basic idea isn't repugnant to you?  
CG: NOT ANYMORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IS.  
TT: Even the thought of them having sex?  
CG: NO, THATS REPUGNANT, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO IMAGINE ANYONE HAVING SEX. NO ONE.  
CG: I ESPECIALLY DON'T WANT TO SEE IT IN REAL LIFE, WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY I'M ALONE IN MY ROOM, BECAUSE EVERYWHERE I GO I SEE SLOPPY DISGUSTING MAKEOUTS. I AM LOOKING AT YOU, ROSE.  
TT: Is porn not a Thing on Alternia?  
CG: WHAT?  
TT: Videos, pictures, or sometimes literature (though that's called erotica) of people engaged in sexual intercorse with each other.  
CG: NO. NO THAT'S DISGUSTING.  
CG: NO NO NO I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THAT THERE COULD BE ENTIRE LIBRARIES FULL OF YOU STUPID SKINNED MUTANT HORNLESS NOOKWHIFFING HUMANS FUCKING. WHY DID YOU TELL ME THAT.  
CG: I THOUGHT I MADE IT CLEAR THAT I DO NOT WANT KNOWLEDGE. I WANT TO COME OUT OF THIS CONVERSATION AS UNENLIGHTENED AS POSSIBLE.  
TT: Who am I to shine the sweaty, hot beacon of knowledge onto the unwilling initiate?  
TT: By all means, let us go back to the pedophilia.  
CG: THANK YOU.  
TT: How about moirails?  
CG: NEVERMIND, FUCK YOU.  
TT: And we were doing so well. What is it now?  
CG: WHY DON'T WE JUST STICK TO THE CONCUPISCENT SIDE. OR EVEN BETTER, GO BACK TO YOUR HUMAN PORN.  
CG: OR, EVEN *BETTER* YOU COULD JUST STOP TALKING TO ME.  
TT: Concupiscent it is. But don't think I won't return to conciliatory later.  
CG: I'LL TO CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT, BUT A LONG TIME AGO MY JOY GLANDS STOPPED WORKING, PROVIDING ME WITH THE EXTRA ENERGY NECESSARY TO GROW ANOTHER SHAME GLOBE, SO HAPPINESS LEAKS OUT OF ME BEFORE I REALLY GET TO EXPERIENCE IT.  
TT: What a tragedy. Are you trying to get away with saying more and more ridiculous things in your rants to see if anyone notices, or do you just not care?  
CG: IF I GAVE ANY LESS FUCKS, MY BRAIN WOULD IMPLODE.  
TT: Alright. We've covered gender and half of age, so next up is incest.  
CG: WE HAVE ALREADY COVERED INCEST. IT IS SO COVERED. WE DON'T HAVE IT. IT'S DUMB.  
TT: I know. I'm trying to see if there is a troll equivalent.  
TT: Kanaya has mentioned that ancestors are important figures is Alternian folklore, especially when a young troll is shaping the identity.  
TT: Do you know who your ancestor was?  
CG: YEAH, UNFORTUNATELY.  
TT: Now imagine he had a matesprit, and his matesprit's descendent wanted to be your matesprit, how would you feel? If they wanted to be your kismesis?  
CG: GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A RUSTY CULLING FORK LALONDE, AND DON'T STOP UNTIL YOU'RE COUGHING UP SO MUCH BLOOD YOU CAN'T FORCE YOUR TAINT CHAFING QUESTIONS UP YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE AND VOMIT THEM INTO ANYONE'S INNOCENT AURAL CLOTS.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] 11:23 --

*

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] at 11:20 --

GC: K4RK4T L13D 4BOUT TH3 PORN  
GC: 3GR3G1OUS FOUL SM3LL1NG L13S  
GC: H3 W1LL NOT B3 L3T OFF SCOT-FR33!  
GC: W3 H4D 4 THR1V1NG PORN 1NDUSTRY! 1T M4D3 UP 3% OF 4LL 4LT3RN14N 3CONOMY  
GC: TH3R3 1S 3V3N MUCH OF 1T B4CK3D ONTO SOM3 OF TH3SE HUSKTOPS, WH1CH 1 H4V3 OFF3R3D TO SHOW K4RK4T M4NY T1M3S

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] at 11:21 --

*

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] at 11:15 --

GA: Rose Whats Wrong  
GA: Did I Do Something Wrong  
GA: If I Did Do Something I Dont Know What I Did But I Am Sorry About It  
GA: Ive Been Trying To Find You To Apologize In Person But You Have Been So Elusive That I Am Forced To Believe You Have Been Avoiding Me  
GA: Is It Really Just The Grubcorn

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] at 11:18 --

*

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 11:21 --

GA: Karkat I Am So Sorry I Didnt Realize The Situation  
GA: What Happened  
GA: Karkat  
GA: ?

carcinoGeneticist [CG] has blocked grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

*

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 11:34 --

GA: Dave Can You Get Ahold Of Karkat And Tell Him To Troll Me And That I Am Very Very Sorry  
TG: i dont want to be involved in the drama  
TG: i am a simple man trying to live a simple life  
TG: trying to get apple juice when i know all ill get is alcohol and disappointment  
GA: He Blocked Me  
TG: get ur gf to do ur dirty work  
GA: She Isnt Talking To Me  
TG: fine fine dave strider: errand boy at your service

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 11:36 --

*

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 11:37 --

TG: yo dawg its not nice to make a damsel get all distressed  
TT: sobbing all over her knights inbox because her princess left her and her other knights avoiding her  
TG: its like christmas up in this bitch  
TG: she says she is super duper sorry for something i am sure is your fault  
TG: where even are you man  
TG: i have not seen you all day  
TG: or yesterday  
TG: can trolls chafe  
TG: or did your crazy clown finally kill you in a tragic platonic makeout accident

carcinoGeneticist [CG] has blocked turntechGodhead [TG]

*

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 11:30 --

TT: I seem to have upset Karkat.  
GA: Oh Thank God  
GA: I Mean That Youre Talking To Me I Dont Take Pleasure In Upsetting Karkat Or At Least No More Than The Normal Troll Does  
TT: - sent file "Incest Conversation" -  
GA: Rose Was That Deliberate  
TT: What did I do?  
GA: Karkat's Ancestor Had A Very Famous Lover Who Was The Direct Ancestor Of A Troll Who Did Have A Flushcrush On Him  
TT: That turned out surprisingly well, then. No hypothesizing needed.  
GA: Yes But Nepeta The Girl With The Crush Died Rather Horrifically While Trying To Take Revenge For Her Moirail Who Was Killed By Gamzee  
GA: Gamzee Is The Troll You May Recognize As Karkats Moirail Only Apparently They Broke Up Recently So Karkats Probably Feeling Extremely Guilty Because He Blames Himself For Their Deaths And Now He May Be Afraid For Our Lives Too  
TT: Welp.  
TT: I expected cultural barriers and people getting offended, but at this rate we might as well stop the questioning completely.  
GA: Dont Give Up  
GA: I Am Not The Fondest Of This Topic But If You Want To Learn You Shouldnt Be Discouraged  
GA: If It Helps I Can Answer Your Question  
GA: Their Relationship Would Have Been Beautiful Serendipity As Every Troll Aspires To Be Like Their Ancestor  
GA: Stories Like That Are Featured In Troll Cosmo And Thousands Of Movies  
TT: So why didn't Karkat return her feelings?  
TT: Shit, I am the gossipy broad. It is me.  
GA: Well Part Of It May Have Been His Mutant Status  
GA: He Could Never Have Provided A Good Life For Nepeta And Even Looking Back To His Ancestor Wouldnt Help That Conviction As The Sufferer Was Killed For His Blood And The Disciple Was Left To Spend Her Days Alone In A Cave With Only His Bloodstained Highwaisted Pants For Company  
GA: His Execution And Her Mourning Would Have Been Fated  
GA: I Also Feel Like He Simply Held No Attraction Towards Her  
GA: Hate Or Love  
GA: Which May Have Hurt Karkat More Considering His Faith In Serendipity  
TT: You know Karkat better than I do. How do you suggest I procede?  
GA: Pretend It Never Happened  
GA: Find A New Topic To Discuss And Move On  
TT: I suppose at this point it's ridiculous to maintain some scientific barrier between us. It's clear we're not going to get through this without bumps in the road.  
TT: Bumps of hurt feelings, cultural mishaps and copious amounts of swearing and death threats on this road of education.  
GA: Normally I Would Advise You To Move On  
GA: I Believe I Have Made My Feelings Clear On This Particular Topic  
TT: You have.  
GA: But Currently You Are The Only One Who Karkat Is Still In Contact With And Frankly I Am Worried  
TT: I feel rather out of the loop.  
GA: Karkat Blocked Both Me And Dave He Hasnt Talked To Terezi In Some Time And I Can Only Assume He Isnt On Speaking Terms With Gamzee Anymore  
GA: He Hasnt Come Out Of His Room In Two Nights Maybe Three  
TT: That's certainly worrying. I'll do my best.  
GA: Good I Am Afraid I Was Rather Rude To Him Last Time We Talked And I Dont Want That To Be Our Last Conversation  
TT: Which reminds me of our last conversation. I'm sorry, Kanaya. That was entirely my fault. The realization that I had been eating trolls just shocked me.  
GA: So It Was Just The Grubcorn After All  
TT: Of course it was.  
TT: I'd just prefer if we find a new movie food.  
GA: Grubcorn Is A Traditional Movie Snack And A Refusal Of That Is Highly Offensive  
TT: Kanaya  
GA: I Can Not Reign My Snarky Horseshit Level In  
GA: Of Course We Can Eat Something Else  
TT: Glad we got that cleared up.  
TT: You know, on Earth many people believed in "make up sex" where after a couple had fought or had otherwise been on the rocks, sex would cement their bond.  
: I have never tried it but I would be willing to test it out.  
GA: Humans Are Great Ill Be Right There

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] 12:21 --

*

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 13:33 --

TT: Now that it appears we may run into your ancestors in the dream bubbles, a more direct question rears its ugly incestous head.  
TT: Would you have sex with your direct ancestor?  
TT: Karkat, you can't avoid the question by pretending you're offline. I know where your room is.  
CG: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO INTRUSIVE. GO READ A FUCKING BOOK OR SOMETHING IF YOU BELIEVE YOUR THINKPAN WILL ROT IF YOU AREN'T CONSTANTLY TRYING TO GNAW THE KNOWLEDGE OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE.  
CG: YOU AND KANAYA ARE A PERFECT MATCH. SHE'LL DRINK SOME POOR GRUBFUCKER'S BLOOD AND YOU'LL DRINK THE BRAINS AND PATIENCE.  
TT: A Seer's job is to increase her and by extension, her group's, knowledge.  
TT: Now answer the question.  
CG: WHEN WE MEET THEM, MY REVULSION FOR MY ANCESTOR WILL BE ENTIRELY MY FAULT. NOT SOCIETIES'. I COULD FUCK HIM SIDEWAYS WITHOUT A BUCKET AND THE ONLY PERSON WHO'D HATE ME FOR IT WOULD BE ME. AND MAYBE HIM.  
TT: Delightful.  
TT: Next on my list in necrophilia, which given your species predilections towards cannibalism, I do not hold high hopes for.  
CG: THIS IS DISGUSTING.  
CG: WHAT IS ON YOUR LIST?  
TT: Incest (O), necrophilia, miscegenation, adultery, fornication, pedophilia (O), exogamy, homosexuality (O), bestiality, masturbation, and various quadrant questions.  
CG: WHAT'S FORNICATION?  
TT: Sex outside of marriage. I may be ahead of myself considering I don't know if trolls have marriage or any equivalent, or if you have any religion or federal government regulating such things.  
CG: WHAT'S MARRIAGE?  
TT: An elaborate ceremony where a couple spends thousands of dollars on a cake with figurines of themselves on it, the opportunity see a drunk uncle chicken dance and ruin the toast, and to bathe themselves in the veiled criticism from the wife's side of the family.  
TT: No, disregard that.  
TT: I gave up on unbiased questioning considering the impossibility of it, but that was uncalled for.  
TT: Marriage at its fundamental level is a binding ceremony between couples. Usually it involves promises of fidelity, lifelong love, etc. Afterwards the couple lives together, pools their money and possessions, and spend the rest of their time together, barring extenuating circumstances.  
CG: REMEMBER THE TIME I SAID HUMANS WERE THE SPILLED GENETIC MATERIAL ON AN IMPERIAL DRONES GROINAL SPUR?  
TT: Not specifically, no. The gist of the idea I understand.  
CG: I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU MENTION THIS TO ANYONE OUTSIDE OF THIS CONVERSATION. MY SICKLE WILL BE SO FAR UP YOUR ASS YOU'LL BE SPITTING UP COLD HARD ALTERNIAN STEEL INSTEAD OF WEAK EARTH QUESTIONS.  
CG: BUT THAT IS THE MOST ROMANTIC THING I HAVE EVER HEARD.  
TT: It seems you have an unusual preoccupation with my ass, but I'll let it pass.  
TT: Your love of marriage has made it quite clear, Alternian ceremonies may have possessed more fear than cheer?  
CG: OH FUCK WHAT HAPPENED? WAS THE PART OF YOUR THINKPAN THAT ALLOWED YOU TO BE BEARABLE LEVELS OF ANNOYING FINALLY CONSUMED BY WHATEVER GENETIC DEFECT ALLOWED THE CREATION OF BAD SLAM POETRY? I THOUGHT WE WERE GETTING A GOOD RAPPORT GOING, BUT NOW I'LL HAVE TO CULL YOU ON GROUNDS OF SUDDEN RETARDATION.  
TT: I just couldn't pass up the opportunity.  
CG: WHILE USUALLY YOUR PREDILECTION FOR INEXCUSABLY PATHETIC BOUTS OF STUPIDITY DESERVE TO BE BRUTALLY AND RUTHLESSLY GIVEN A EULOGY, THIS PARTICULARLY CONTINUITY HAS BEEN PUT UNDER SCRUTINY BY THE GENERAL COMMUNITY: AKA ME  
CG: AND CONSIDERING THE EUPHONY AND FLUENCY OF THOSE FUCKING RHYMES, I DISREGARD IT ALL AND DECIDE ON LUNACY. YOUR HUMAN JUBILEE CALLS FOR SOME SORT OF MUTINY.  
TT: I must call into question this mutiny, once we put all those rhymes under scrutiny.  
TT: To end a word in "y" or "ie" does not constitute a true rhyme, so we must conclude those beats you layed were less than sublime.  
TT: All of this understandable, true. None of the fault here can be put upon you.  
TT: I have had practice writing verses on Dave's latent homosexuality exerted by plush rump, and so nothing can trump me, and no word can stump.  
TT: It leaves me in pain to be this mundane.  
CG: FINE. YOU'RE BETTER AT STRINGING WORDS TOGETHER IN A BULLSHIT SORT OF PATTERN THAN ME.  
CG: ME, WHO SPEAKS ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. I HOPE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF.  
TT: Appeals to human decency won't work on me, especially knowing that the differences between Alternian and English are almost purely in dialect and writing systems.  
TT: Had humans been built with the same laryngeal configuration as trolls, the only difference would be the Alternian custom of calling simple objects by ridiculously complex names.  
CG: I THINK WE'RE GETTING OFF TOPIC.  
TT: I think you need to work on better diverting statements, but you're right.  
TT: I believe we're on necrophilia. Or should I say "The Act Of Pailing, Though Obviously Genetic Material Cannot Be Produced, Trolls Who Have Already Been Culled Or Otherwise Rendered Into A State That Can Be Considered Less Than The Optimal Amount Of Life Required"  
CG: SUCH BLATANT SPECIESISM.  
TT: Ahem. "CG: REMEMBER THE TIME I SAID HUMANS WERE THE SPILLED GENETIC MATERIAL ON AN IMPERIAL DRONES GROINAL SPUR?"  
CG: SLANDER. ALSO THAT IS A TERM OF ENDEARMENT ON OUR PLANET.  
CG: *ALSO* KANAYA'S DEAD AND YOUR DEFINITION OF NECROPHILIA DID NOT HAVE A SPECIFIC CLAUSE EXCLUDING THE LIVING DEAD. YOU DIRTY, DIRTY CORPSE FUCKER.  
TT: I didn't realize all trolls were secretly lawyers. Or have you just been spending too much time around Terezi, our own resident presider over a kangaroo court?  
TT: Oh, apologies, I forgot that your current relationship with her is rather strained. She sentenced you to life in the "barely friends zone."  
CG: IF YOU FELL OF THIS METEOR RIGHT NOW, PEOPLE WOULD CELEBRATE THE LOSS OF ALL THE PRETENTIOUS EXCREMENT THAT HAD SHAT UPON THEIR COMPUTER SCREENS IN SICKENINGLY INVASIVE SUGAR TEXT AND FORCED THEM THROUGH SHEER BELLIGERENCE TO COMPLY TO HER ASININE DEMANDS. THERE WOULD BE A REAL CORPSE PARTY, WHERE PEOPLE WOULD DRINK AND LAUGH OVER THE FACT THERE WOULD BE ONE LESS ASSHOLE ALIVE TO HAVE TO FEIGN POLITENESS AT.  
TT: My death may be celebrated, but at least I would be missed.  
CG: TOO FAR, LALONDE. TOO FAR.  
CG: SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE FEELING A LITTLE BLACK AFTER BEING CALLED A CORPSE FUCKER. HAVING SOME RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS?  
CG: I BET A GAPING HOLE IN A STOMACH AND A CONSTANT LUST FOR BLOOD AREN'T THE MOST ATTRACTIVE TRAITS A TROLL CAN HAVE. AND YOU SURE HAVE A LOT OF FREE TIME FOR THE ONLY HUMAN ON THIS SPACE ROCK IN AN ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP.  
TT: Oh, Karkat, don't think you can out analyze me. I've been an armchair psychologist for years.  
CG: COMMUNICATION HAS GOT TO BE HARD WHEN YOU'RE BOTH SNARKY BITCHES IN YOUR FIRST REAL MATESPRITSHIP.  
CG: KANAYA'S ONLY EXPERIENCE WITH LOVE IS A MANIPULATIVE PSYCHOPATH WHO TREATED HER LIKE DIRT. NOT TO MENTION KANAYA TRIED TO GET HER THROUGH CONCILIATORY. THAT CAN'T BE HEALTHY.  
CG: I BET SHE A LITTLE HARD TO TALK TO EVEN WHEN YOU'RE NOT LICKING HER TONSILS.  
TT: You're making all this insinuation without any actual accusations.  
CG: YOU'RE MAKING ALL THESE SUBTLE, DIGGING REPLIES THAT DON'T ACTUALLY DENY ANYTHING.  
TT: You can theorize all you want.  
TT: But just because your moirail broke up with doesn't give you the right to push all those extra conciliatory feelings onto Kanaya's and my relationship, or even pale feelings onto Kanaya. She doesn't pity you and we don't need your help.  
TT: No one does.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 14:42 --

*

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 17:09--

TG: well from what i am hearing you better stick an olive branch down your throat and offer yourself to karkat like a thanksgiving turkey callgirl  
TT: How did you even hear anything?  
TT: Karkat's not talking to anyone and I certainly didn't spread gossip about myself.  
TG: its a small meteor after all  
TG: full of laughter and tears and things that smell delicious  
TG: mostly tears  
TG: mostly karkats  
TG: also my laughter but for once my emotions on the subject are irrelevant because you made karkat cry  
TG: you burned him so hard the fire of london has nothing on you  
TG: the great fire of lalonde  
TG: im considering leaving some sorta salve outside his door  
TG: too bad he wont have his murderclown bromate to platonically massage his war wounds  
TG: do you have any feelings on this tragic breakup that has happened so very recently  
TG: held previous record for longest and creepiest quadmance on this boring rock  
TG: so cruelly broken apart by unknown circumstances  
TG: does anyone know why  
TG: has anyone talked to karkat about it except to torment him  
TG: wait he only let one person talk to him  
TG: and how would that mystery confidant be feeling at the moment?  
TT: Awful.  
TG: whoa whoah what  
TG: are those your honest to gog feelings  
TG: weve had this relationship built on irony and bullshitting each other rose  
TG: you were supposed to be all flippant and throw some bon mots around like lesser men throw monkey shit  
TT: I don't have the energy. I feel legitimately awful about what I did.  
TT: It was like I couldn't stop myself. Which is a flimsy excuse even with a lenient judge.  
TT: And I can't even bring myself to apologize. I know that even if he talks to me again, I'll be just as passive-aggressive as I always am.  
TG: if youre going to talk emotions i am not your man  
TG: go find your girlfriend  
TT: She gets uncomfortable talking about emotions.  
TG: you mean youve had emotions before this  
TG: and you tried to talk about them  
TT: I can't even get mad at her for it. She's afraid of the flush blending into pale, which is perfectly reasonable thing for a troll to worry about.  
TG: i have no idea what to say  
TG: im sorry?  
TT: What do you and Terezi do?  
TG: its very complicated  
TG: one we are both cool suave sons of bitches who wouldnt know emotion if it threw up over us at an office christmas party  
TG: or at least i am  
TG: shes learning  
TG: two we are moirails  
TG: firmly stuck at second base  
TG: bros 4 lyfe  
TT: Oh.  
TT: Congratulations.  
TT: And here I thought I was the progressive one.  
TG: which brings me to another thing  
TG: ive got to break up with you  
TG: i hope we can remains friends only not because im friend breaking up with you  
TG: im sure tz'd understand but i dont want her to have to  
TG: and i feel like a downright cad discussing feelings behind her nose  
TG: sorry  
TT: I understand. I wouldn't want my mauldin complaints compromising your relationship in any way.  
TT: Just one thing.  
TG: shoot  
TT: What's your take on the breakup, your moirail in mind?  
TT: And why do you keep calling moirails platonic?  
TG: that is two things  
TG: but ill give you a pass just this once  
TG: i feel bad for the guy tbh  
TG: i cant imagine losing terezi  
TG: i dislike the dude but everyone deserves their murderclown or stablawyer or whatever  
TG: two cultural sensitivity is way overrated  
TT: And am I ever excited to hear the reasoning for that.  
TG: it is  
TG: youre trying to remove yourself from their culture and put on your analyzing glasses + science ponytail and looking at it under a microscope  
TG: when you are, surprise, living in it  
TG: as much as it pains me to admit this its all based on feelings man  
TT: As interesting as your analysis is, it still isn't answering my question.  
TG: fine dont take my sage wisdom  
TG: i do it to annoy karkat  
TG: and you  
TG: its funny  
TT: I probably shouldn't have expected anymore.  
TT: Thank you, Dave.  
TG: np

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 18:11 --

*

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 18:12 --

GC: 4WW 1 LOV3 YOU TOO  
TG: jesus fuck how do you find these things out so fast  
GC: 1 H4V3 4 GOOD NOS3  
GC: DO YOU W4NT TO G3T TO TH1RD B4S3 D4V3?  
TG: nah  
TG: your boobs are so tiny i dont want to have to break out the microscope find your chick dick  
TG: shits embarrassing for both of us  
GC: OH M1ST3R D4V3 OOH  
GC: YOU KNOW JUST HOW TO WOO 4 G1RL  
TG: thats me swept so many girls off their feet and into a bucket theres beginning to be a serious lack of buckets  
TG: not of girls mind  
TG: we better call a meoter-wide shortage here  
TG: pls everyone stop pailing each other for one second goddamn  
GC: T34CH M3 YOUR W4YS  
GC: HOW C4N B3 SU4V3 4ND COOL 4S YOU?  
TG: damn girl you dont miss a thing  
TG: come to my room and call me sensei and you will soon learn  
TG: itll be tough but as tomodachis well get through it  
TG: ganbatte

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 18:25 --

*

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] at 01:19 --

CG: NECROPHILIA WOULD BE PATHETIC, BUT THE GOVERNMENT WOULDN'T CULL YOU. SOMEONE THAT INCIDENTALLY MIGHT WORK IN THE GOVERNMENT MIGHT CULL YOU, BUT THE MEMO WOULDN'T GET TO ANYONE'S DESK.  
CG: I DON'T THINK YOU'D GET IN TROUBLE FOR MUCH OF ANYTHING EXCEPT TREASON. IT'S THE ONLY FEDERAL CRIME.  
CG: ROSE?  
CG: YOU'RE PROBABLY ASLEEP.  
CG: YOU'RE JUST TOO FUCKING PATHETIC.  
CG: WHO CARES.  
CG: BUT EQUIUS IS THE MOST *PROPER* TROLL AMONG US AND HE BUILT A SLAMMIN ROBO-BOD SPECIFICALLY SO HE COULD FEEL UP DEAD!ARADIA.  
CG: AND TAVROS'S, WHO WAS PRETTY MUCH CULLBAIT ANYWAY, THOUGH I GUESS WHICH WOULD ONLY BE 1/2 NECROPHILIA AND HE WASN'T EXACTLY GOING TO BE THE ONE FEELING THEM UP.  
CG: SO WHAT I'M SAYING IS THE UNDEAD WOULD HAVE HAD A SEPARATE CLAUSE IF A CLAUSE HAD EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE.  
CG: I'M TRYING TO MAKE SOME SORT OF APOLOGY HERE, ALRIGHT. GODDAMN.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] 01:28 --

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] at 01:40 --

CG: LOOKING BACK ON THAT MESSAGE MADE ME LOSE A FEW PRECIOUS BRAIN CELLS. THE REAL APOLOGY HERE WOULD BE FOR FORCING YOU TO READ THAT.  
CG: I AM GOING TO BE THE WORSE TROLL HERE, SHOW MY NECK, AND ADMIT THE BLAME.  
CG: I SHOULDN'T HAVE MEDDLED WITH AND KANAYA BUT YOU WERE A FAR LARGER ASSHOLE IN THE BARE REAR END COMPARISON CONTEST.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] at 01:43 --

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] at 03:18 --

CG: I'M SORRY.  
CG: YOU GOT ME.  
CG: GODDAMIT.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]  at 03:19 --

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] at 05:27 --

CG: OKAY, SO I WAS THINKING ABOUT PEDOPHILIA.  
TT: It's a little known fact, but that is my favorite way to start a conversation.  
CG: WHY ARE YOU UP SO EARLY?  
TT: Why are you up so early?  
TT: Did you plan to spew pedophilia in my chatbox and leave like a twink dong ditch?  
CG: YES.  
TT: Okay, proceed.  
CG: I REALLY DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO BE HERE FOR THIS.  
TT: Pretend I'm not.  
CG: IT WOULD HELP IF YOU DIDN'T KEEP TALKING.  
CG: OKAY SO.  
CG: FIRST, THERE'S THIS IDEA OF ANCESTRAL HATE, WHICH IF I KNOW KANAYA AT ALL SHE HAS ALREADY GONE OVER WITH YOU. ANCESTORS ARE IMPORTANT, MODEL YOUR LIFE AFTER YOUR ANCESTOR, AND ALL THAT BULLCRAP.  
CG: WELL IF A YOUNG TROLL, JUST ASCENDED, IS FOUND OUT TO BE THE DESCENDENT OF THE DEAD PARTNER OF A STILL LIVING ANCESTOR, SOMETIMES THE OLDER TROLL TAKES THE YOUNGER ONE INTO THEIR QUADRANTS, USUALLY TO TRY AND FIX THE MISTAKES THEY MADE WITH THE ORIGINAL.  
CG: LIKE IN THE MOVIE "IN WHICH A YOUNG SEADWELLER FALLS IN LOVE WITH A HIGH CASTE LANDDWELLER AND FLEES HER LUSUS ETC." WHERE URSULA IS TRYING TO RESPARK THE HATE SHE HAD WIRH ARIIEL'S ANCESTOR BY CURSING HER AND MACKING ON HER FLUSHCRUSH, THE LANDDWELLER PRINCE.  
TT: How could anyone forget that classic scene in The Little Mermaid?  
CG: SHUT UP, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ASLEEP. BUT SEE IT'S NOT REALLY PEDOPHILIA. YOU WOULD PROBABLY CLASSIFY IT AS EPHEBOPHILIA, THOUGH I DON'T REALLY KNOW THE CUTOFF FOR THAT SORT OF THING. OR WHY THERE IS A CUT OFF. BUT THEN THERE'S ANOTHER EXAMPLE WHICH IS USUALLY LESS CONSENSUAL, WHICH I THINK IS WHAT YOU'RE MORE INTERESTED IN YOU SICK PERVERT, BUT IT'S STILL SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE.  
CG: YOU GET THESE REALLY OLD TROLLS, HUNDREDS OR THOUSANDS OF SWEEPS OLD, THEY'RE GOING TO DIE SOON AND THEY DON'T HAVE ANY QUADRANTS FILLED BECAUSE EVERYONE THEY FILLED QUADRANTS WITH IN THE PAST WERE LOW BLOODS, OR AT LEAST LOWER THAN THAT TROLL.  
CG: IT'S CONSIDERED A SMART ROMANTIC MOVE FOR THAT OLD TROLL TO "TAKE ON" A LOWER BLOOD THAT HAS ABOUT ENOUGH TIME LEFT IN ITS ENTIRE LIFESPAN AS THE HIGHBLOOD DOES IN HIS. USUALLY THEY'RE TAKEN JUST OUT OF CONSCRIPTION.  
CG: THE LOWBLOOD GETS A RICH LIFE THAT THEY MAY OTHERWISE NOT HAVE EXPERIENCED AND THE HIGHBLOOD GETS A FUCKBUDDY OR A PAP-TOY OR WHATEVER.  
CG: YOU'RE BEING UNUSUALLY QUIET.  
TT: I just don't having anything to say yet.  
CG: OKAAYYY THAT'S WEIRD.  
CG: BUT FORTUNATELY I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU. THE HIGHBLOODS HAVE BEEN CALLED "GOLD DIGGERS" BECAUSE OF THE WAY THEY ROOT OUT GOLDBLOODS AND SAVE THEM FROM HELMSMANSHIP.  
TT: And what are the goldbloods called?  
CG: LUCKY.  
TT: That was fascinating Karkat, thank you. It's certainly interesting to see what parts of your world ended up in ours.  
CG: THATS ALL I GET? A HEARTY PAT ON THE BACK? NO MORE ANNOYING QUESTIONS?  
TT: Nope.  
CG: ...  
TT: ... ?  
TT: You don't have to open your conversations with me with some anthropological tidbit offered as a sacrificial gesture, you know.  
TT: I have had many conversations were no knowledge is exchanged at all.  
CG: I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU, I WANT TO DROPKICK THE BENEVOLENCE OF ALTERNIAN CULTURE DOWN YOUR THROAT.  
TT: Consider yourself graduated. Culture has been successfully deposited. You did a noble service, now off you go.  
CG: HELL NO. IT DOES NOT END LIKE THIS, LALONDE.  
TT: Then please, tell me how it does end.  
CG: I DON’T KNOW, I'M NOT THE SEER. BUT IT’S NOT GOING TO BE LIKE THIS.  
TT: You're implying that I can see the future, which could not be further than the truth.  
TT: That's like saying Dave always knows what time it is or you...? What is your power again?  
CG: FINE, YOU CAN'T SEE THE FUTURE ANYMORE THAN TEREZI CAN SEE DAVE'S HUMAN BULGE. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T SHAPE IT.  
TT: This beginning to feel  
like philosophy.  
TT: Oh, Mr. Vantas, seduce me with your rational argument and beliefs on the nature of truth and the mind.  
TT: Speak epistemological solipsism to me. Ravage me with your theories on qualia.  
CG: WE ARE THE CLOSEST THINGS TO SANE ADULTS LEFT IN ALL OF PARADOX SPACE, AND I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU SIT DOWN AND TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS BECAUSE I AM A DAMN FINE LEADER.  
CG: WE BOTH SAID SOME IRRATIONAL, HURTFUL THINGS LAST NIGHT.  
TT: Well, *I* said some hurtful things. Literal vomiting at the screen may have hurt my feelings more than you managed to.  
CG: YOU'RE BEING CHILDISH AND TRYING TO PROVOKE ME, AND IT WON'T WORK.  
CG: IF YOU WANT TO TAKE ALL THE BLAME UPON YOURSELF, I'M NOT GOING TO STOP YOU. THERE'S NOTHING BUT PLEASURE FOR ME IN THAT OPTION. I SIT IN MY ROOM AND FONDLE MY SHAME GLOBES AT THE MERE THOUGHT OF OTHER PEOPLE BLAMING THEMSELVES FOR ANYTHING AND BEING A LITTLE MISERABLE FOR ONCE.  
CG: BUT YOU WOULDN'T HAVE STARTED ANYTHING IF MY INSULTS SLID OFF YOU LIKE WATER OFF AN ANNOY BEAST.  
TT: I refuse to believe that an annoy beast is a real animal.  
CG: YOU WANT ME TO SAY AN AQUATIC NUISANCE NOTED ON YA-156? DO YOU WANT ME TO EXPLAIN THE WHOLE FUCKING HISTORY, PHYSIOLOGY, BIOLOGY, SOCIAL STATUS, AND USAGE OF THE ANNOY BEAST TO YOU JUST TO AVOID THIS CONVERSATION?  
CG: WELL PUT YOUR GROWN HUMAN PANTS ON AND SUCK IT UP, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT EVER GOING TO GET WHAT YOU WANT. LIFE ISN'T FUCKING FAIR AND I AM NOT GOING TO RUIN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU LIKE I HAVE RUINED IT WITH EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON I'VE MET.  
TT: Fine. Never can I let an insinuation that my big girl pants are anywhere except around my waist go unanswered.  
TT: You did hurt me. You managed to bumble your way through some half-hearted and inaccurate relationship analysis and it managed to pierce a layers of irony, passive-aggressiveness, and sardonicism with a sliver of truth and it hurt.  
TT: I know, logically, that troll romance is astoundingly different from that of humans, but I still thought I could make it work.  
CG: YOU WANTED TO ADAPT YOURSELF TO THE QUADRANT SYSTEM?  
TT: Yes.  
CG: WHAT WENT WRONG?  
TT: For trolls, the emotional support roles are delegated to the conciliatory side. Humans filled that role with their single partner.  
TT: I expected some communication. I doubt anyone would call me particularly emotionally needy, but some support would be nice.  
TT: Not even support, I just want a conversation that isn't just blandly exchanging information and then sex. I have deeper conversations with Dave, for God's sakes.  
CG: NO NO NO NO NO  
CG: I AM  
CG: FUCK JUST THAT IS  
TT: I know I'm in the wrong here. It's her culture. Just remember I didn't want to tell this to you.  
CG: NO FUCK YOU. IF I DROPPED AN ANVIL WRITTEN "LISTEN WHEN KARKAT TALKS TO YOU ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS" ON HER HEAD SHE WOULD STILL CALL ME A QUADRANT GURU AND THEN GO ON TO IGNORE EVERYTHING I EVER TOLD HER.  
CG: I AM GOING TO PUNCH ANOTHER HOLE IN HER GUT.  
TT: Karkat?  
CG: NO, YOU SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME.  
CG: YOU ARE THE DUMBEST DUMBASS TO SURVIVE THIS WORLD. KANAYA IS SO IN THE WRONG HERE, BUT YOU'RE THE IDIOT TO GO ALONG WITH IT IN THE NAME OF """""CULTURAL SENSITIVITY"""""  
CG: I LOVE THE QUADRANT SYSTEM. QUADRANTS ARE MY BEST FRIEND. I BREATHE QUADRANTS. SO I CAN FIRMLY SAY  
CG: ALL! QUADRANTS! INVOLVE! EMOTIONS!  
TT: Karkat, I really don't want to give you a heart attack here.  
TT: Take a deep breath.  
CG: HEART ATTACK? *HEART ATTACK*? YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT GIVING *ME* A **HEART ATTACK**? I AM GOING TO HAVE A RAGE ANUMERSUM. I GOING TO DROWN EVERYONE IN MY SHIT.  
CG: THIS IS KANAYA'S FIRST MATESPRITSHIP! SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT TO DO! SHE'S AN IDIOT. SHE'S THE PULSATING SORE ON A MUSCLEBEAST'S BACKSIDE. SHE'S THE PUS DISCHARGE OF AN AMPUTATED HORN.  
TT: I think you're trying to say something helpful, or working yourself up to it, but please keep in mind that this is my girlfriend you're calling a horse's ass boil.  
TT: I do love her, no matter our problems, and I don't appreciate comments like that.  
CG: FINE, IF YOU CAN BE MAGNANIMOUS, SO CAN I. MAYBE SHE JUST TOOK ALL HER RELATIONSHIP ADVICE FROM TROLL COSMO AND NOT! FROM! ME!  
TT: Will you please just tell me whatever it is you're trying to say?  
CG: THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS WRONG IT'S HARD TO KNOW WHERE TO START.  
CG: I NEED A MOMENT TO COLLECT MYSELF.  
TT: Take your time, by all means.  
CG: ALRIGHT, NUMBER ONE:  
CG: WHAT DO YOU THINK MATESPRITS DO? IGNORE EACH OTHER UNTIL THE DRONE COMES?  
CG: IT'S NOT QUADRANT SMEARING TO TALK! EVEN ABOUT EMOTIONS! IT'S HEALTHY, AND IT'S DEGRADING BOTH QUADRANTS TO ASSUME ANYTHING ELSE. WHY DON'T YOU JUST DUMP ALL THE WASTE GENERATED BY THE PRISSY PARTY-GOERS ON THE BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION INTO THE QUADRANTS INSTEAD?  
CG: BUT NO ONE CAN CALL KARKAT VANTAS A HARDASS. I HAVE THE VOLUPTIOUS AND SOFT BACKSIDE OF A KIND, GENTLE SOUL. I CAN THINK FROM YOUR POINT OF VIEW, EVEN IF IT DOES MELT MY PAN SLUDGE TO EVEN PRETEND TO BE THAT STUPID! HOW WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW THE SUBTLE DIFFERENCES IN THE QUADRANTS? WHO WAS THERE TO SCHOOLFEED YOU?  
CG: FUCK IT WAS ME WASN'T IT? GOD DAMN IT VANTAS HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO FUCK THAT ONE UP?  
TT: The abstract ranting was amusing in a frightening sort of way, but I'd prefer if you didn't make this about yourself.  
TT: Maybe you could explain what exactly *this* is in a more reasonable tone.  
CG: YEAH  
CG: OKAY.  
TT: Maybe go get some water?  
CG: YOU CAN'T MAKE ME LEAVE MY ROOM.  
TT: It was just a suggestion. The space you choose to occupy is by no means part of my business, nor do I want to incorporate it.  
CG: ALRIGHT HERE WE GO. GET YOUR SCHOOLFEEDING HAT ON.  
CG: AND REMEMBER THIS IS JUST PART ONE OF WHY I'M CURRENTLY TRYING TO REMOVE MY THINKPAN WITH AMEUTER SELF-SURGERY VIA MY NAILS THROGH MY SKULL.  
CG: I GUESS I CAN SEE HOW IT'S EASY FOR A PAN-ROTTED HUMAN TO TAKE THE SIMPLEST EXPLANATION OF THE QUADRANTS POSSIBLE AND RUN NAKED INTO YOUR LOVER'S WAITING ARMS, BRANDISHING YOUR FLAG OF IGNORANCE ONLY TO BE UPSET WHEN THE FLAGPOLE OF TRUTH STABS BOTH OF YOU FOR TARNISHING IT WITH THE FLAG OF IGNORANCE.  
TT: Can I just compliment you on that metaphor?  
CG: SHUT UP.  
CG: MATESPRIT=LOVE SEX; MOIRAIL=LOVE FRIEND; KISMESIS=HATE SEX; AUSPICE=HATE MEDIATOR  
CG: NO SYSTEM THAT HAS LASTED THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS OF YEARS WITH MILLIONS OF HONERY INDIVIDUALS PARTICIPATING IN IT THEIR ENTIRE LIVES CAN REMAIN THAT SIMPLE.  
CG: THE GENERAL TROLL MAXIM IS: IF YOU CAN'T CULL IT, OVERCOMPLICATE IT.  
CG: AKA THE TAGLINE FOR TROLL TEEN BEAT MAGAZINE.  
CG: FOR NOW I WILL FOCUS ON INFORMATION PERTINENT TO YOU. MATESPRITS TALK JUST AS MUCH AS MOIRAILS. IGNORING A PARTNER'S FEELINGS TURNS A RELATIONSHIP BLACK REALLY FAST, AND IT MIGHT BE THE PLATONIC SORT OF HATE IF YOU DON'T GET AN AUSPISTICE IN THERE.  
TT: Are you auspisticizing for me and Kanaya right now?  
CG: THAT WOULD BE A VALID INTERPRETATION, BUT I'D PERSONALLY PREFER THAT YOU NOT CALL IT THAT.  
CG: IT DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT TO BE THE MIDDLE LEAF IN A CLUB INVOLVING KANAYA.  
TT: Then would you move it up yo pale, since it only involves me?  
CG: NOT THAT I'M NOT FLATTERED, BUT I DON'T REALLY WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN ANY SORT OF CONCILIATORY RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE RIGHT NOW.  
TT: The proposition was entirely unintentional.  
CG: EVEN YOU AREN'T THAT STUPID LALONDE. ATTEMPTS TO MAKE ME FLUSTERED WON'T WORK.  
CG: YOU ARE GOING TO LEARN THIS. I'M GOING TO SCHOOLFEED YOU SO HARD YOU LIMP FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK. BRAIN LIMP.  
TT: Flustering you was definitely not my goal, though I'll admit I'm pleased with the outcome anyway.  
CG: MOIRAILS SOOTHE THEIR PARTNER. THEY PREVENT THEM FROM HURTING THEMSELVES OR OTHERS. *GENERALLY* THEY DON'T DIRECTLY FIX A PROBLEM FOR THEIR MOIRAIL BUT SUGGEST OPTIONS AVAILABLE TO THEIR PARTNER TO FIX IT THEMSELVES. IF THEIR PARTNER IS SERIOUSLY INCAPABLE OF DOING IT THEMSELVES, THE MOIRAIL MIGHT DO IT, BUT THAT ISN'T EXACTLY HEALTHY. THOUGH THERE'S DIFFERENCES IN THAT WITH HIGHBLOOD-LOWBLOOD MOIRALLEGIANCES, ESPECIALLY IN THAT REGARD.  
CG: AND IF A MOIRAIL DIRECTLY MEDDLES IN THEIR PARTNER’S BUSINESS, IT MIGHT BE VIEWED AS ANTAGONISTIC, WHICH I THINK WAS A PROBLEM KANAYA HAD WITH VRISKA, AND WE SAW HOW WELL THAT TURNED OUT.  
CG: MATESPRITS TALK ABOUT MANY OF THE SAME THINGS BUT HAVE DIFFERENT REACTIONS TO THEM. IF TROLL A COMPLAINS ABOUT HER ANNOYING COWORKER, HER MOIRAIL MAY TALK ABOUT IF SHE CAN CULL THEM, BLACK FEELINGS, WAYS TO AVOID THEM, ETC. HER MATESPRIT WOULD LISTEN SYMPATHETICALLY, TELL A STORY ABOUT HER OWN ANNOYING COWORKER WHOM SHE PUSHED INTO A MACHINE WHILE NO ONE WAS LOOKING, AND TEASE HER ABOUT HAVING A SPADES CRUSH.  
CG: AND OF COURSE THESE CONVERSATIONS DEPEND ON THE PERSONALITY OF THE TROLLS INVOLVED, AND IT MAY BE DIFFICULT TO GET A FEEL FOR IF YOU HAVEN'T GROWN UP AROUND IT, WHICH OF COURSE MAY BE THE WHOLE PROBLEM WITH KANAYA.  
CG: THE QUADRANTS GOT SUPER CHANGED WHEN ADULT TROLLS WERE EXILED FROM ALTERNIA, BECAUSE NO ONE GREW UP WITH AN EXAMPLE TO LOOK TOWARDS, WHICH IS WHY MOVIES WERE DISTRIBUTED WITH THE GENEROUS HAND OF )(IC, MAY SHE REIGN FOREVER. ALL GOVERNMENT PROPAGANDA. AT FIRST THEY WERE USED TO TRY AND PRESERVE THE TRADITIONAL SYSTEM, BUT THEN )(IC REALIZED SHE COULD MANIPULATE THE QUADRANTS WITH WHAT SHE SAID WAS NORMAL, AND SOME COMBINATION OF THE TWO AROSE.  
TT: You love romcoms. It's your defining personality trait, besides anger and swearing.  
TT: And it turns out you can avoid those when you're trying to educate someone.  
CG: JUST BECAUSE YOU LOVE SOMETHING DOESN'T MEAN IT CAN'T BE GOVERNMENT PROPAGANDA.  
CG: BUT ON OLD ALTERNIA, MATESPRITS *MAY* HAVE AVOIDED EACH OTHER UNTIL DRONE SEASON, ESPECIALLY SINCE POLITICAL UNIONS WERE MORE COMMON.  
CG: NO ONE CARES HOW LOWBLOODED YOUR MATESPRIT IS WHEN YOU'RE IN THE ARMY AND THEY'RE A LIGHT YEAR AWAY, BUT WITH EVERYTHING OUT IN THE OPEN IT CAN GET TENSE.  
CG: OF COURSE, EVEN IN THE MODERN EMPIRE, TROLLS LIVED WITH THEIR MOIRAILS MORE OFTEN THAN WITH THEIR MATESPRITS, WHICH IS STILL NO EXCUSE FOR KANAYA BECAUSE YOU *ARE* LIVING TOGETHER, GET USED TO IT.  
CG: KANAYA IS A BIT MORE OF A TRADITIONAL TROLL, BUT SINCE YOU SEE HER EVERY FREAKING DAY AND DRONE SEASON ISN'T EVEN CLOSE TO STARTING, YOU HAVE TO SCHOOLFEED HER INTO SUBMISSION. BRING IN THE MODERN ROMANCE, BITCHES.  
TT: That seems violent.  
TT: Almost unnecessarily violent, for a peaceable and adult discussion about a relationship.  
CG: THE VIOLENT WIELDING OF KNOWLEDGE SHOULD BE YOUR FORTE.  
TT: I can't argue with that.  
TT: Thank you.  
CG: DON'T MENTION IT.  
CG: IF YOU DO, I'LL BOIL YOUR EYEBALLS OUT WITH THE FLAMES OF MY RAGE.  
CG: BUT DON'T THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY THAT EASILY. THAT WAS WHY KANAYA WAS WRONG. NOW I HAVE TO HIT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH A HAMMER UNTIL YOU REALIZE WHY *YOU* WERE WRONG.  
TT: It's hard to accept failure when you have a concussion.  
CG: IF THERE'S ANYTHING I'M NEVER IN THE MOOD FOR, IT'S YOUR GODDAMN SNARK, LALONDE.  
CG: DID YOU EVER TELL HER YOU WERE UNHAPPY?  
TT: I am not one for emotional honesty.  
TT: In fact, I'm not exactly sure when you decided you were in charge of my personal life.  
CG: SO YOU'LL LET ME RELEASE MY WRATH ON KANAYA BUT NOT ON YOURSELF? SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE CAN'T TAKE CRITICISM. GROW UP.  
TT: Fine.  
TT: I mentioned it in the beginning, but she explained it in terms of moirails doing the feelings part of a troll's life, and so I dropped it.  
CG: UGH. QUADRANTS AREN'T MADE UP OF DESIGNATED LIFE POINTS, BUT THAT'S ANOTHER CONVERSATION.  
CG: SO IT REALLY WAS TO BE CULTURALLY SENSITIVE.  
TT: Yes, I suppose.  
CG: CULTURAL SENSITIVITY IS PROBABLY A VERY DIFFERENT THING FOR TROLLS, BECAUSE I DON'T THINK HUMANS CONQUERED MANY PLANETS.  
TT: No planets, actually.  
TT: Unless you count landing on our own moon.  
CG: NO, BECAUSE 1) THAT'S DUMB, 2) HUMANS ARE DUMB, 3) THERE'S NOT ANOTHER SPECIES ON THE MOON, DIPSHIT.  
CG: WHAT IS THE CLOSEST HUMAN EQUIVALENT TO AN ALIEN?  
TT: A foreigner. Someone from a different country.  
CG: EVERYTHING I HEAR ABOUT HUMANS MAKE THEM SOUND WORSE.  
CG: OKAY, IMAGINE IF YOU AND THIS FOREIGNER WERE LIVING TOGETHER, IN A *COUNTRY* THAT WASN'T EITHER OF YOURS.  
TT: This is a strange situation.  
CG: NEITHER OF YOUR COUNTRIES HAD CONQUERED THE OTHER BUT WERE ON EQUAL TERMS, AND YOU WERE ON NEUTRAL GROUND, PROBABLY IN A PLACE NEITHER OF YOU WANTED TO BE.  
CG: IN YOUR ROOMMATE'S CULTURE, SHITTING ON THE FLOOR AND SMEARING IT OVER A LOVED ONE'S WALL WAS CONSIDERED POLITE.  
TT: What a quaint custom.  
CG: THIS IS OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING YOU DON'T LIKE. BUT, TO YOUR ROOMMATE, SLEEPING AT ANY MOMENT SOMEONE MIGHT BE IN THE HOUSE WAS IMPOLITE. WHAT WOULD YOU DO?  
TT: The no sleeping rule includes the presence of the roommate?  
CG: YES.  
TT: Can my roommate not sleep either?  
CG: NO, THEY CAN'T.  
TT: That is not a cultural ritual that could last very long.  
CG: THEY ARE BIOLOGICALLY INCLINED TO SLEEP LESS AND DO IT WHEN YOU AREN'T HOME. C'MON, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?  
TT: I would consider our differences irreconcilable and move away.  
CG: BUT YOU REALLY, REALLY PITY THEM.  
CG: *LOVE  
TT: I don't know. It seems that there is no way to live happily and healthily with them without disrespecting their culture. Perhaps find a separate apartment nearby?  
CG: NO LALONDE, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU WOULD FUCKING HAVE TO DO.  
CG: YOU WOULD HAVE TO SIT THEM EVER SO KINDLY DOWN AND SAY, "I CAN'T LIVE WITH YOU SHITTING OVER MY WALLS AND NOT LETTING ME SLEEP. I'M SURE THERE'S SOME CUSTOMS OF MINE YOU CAN'T STAND. SO LET'S COME UP WITH A *COMPROMISE*. I'LL ENGAGE IN PARTS OF YOUR CULTURE, AND YOU'LL ENGAGE IN MINE UNTIL WE FIND A MIX OF THE TWO WE BOTH FIND BEARABLE. WE WE *TALK* AND *COMMUNICATE*."  
TT: And what is the deal reached in that situation?  
CG: I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T CARE, IT WAS JUST A HYPOTHETICAL TO GET YOU TO GET IT.  
CG: EMPHASIS ON "CULTURAL SENSITIVITY" INSTEAD OF *UNDERSTANDING* DOESN'T WORK IN A RELATIONSHIP. IT'S PUTTING ONE PERSON'S NEEDS IN FRONT OF THE OTHER'S.  
CG: BESIDES THIS WHOLE SITUATION COULD BARELY BE FILED INTO A CULTURAL MISUNDERSTANDING, BECAUSE IT WAS JUST KANAYA BEING A LOT MORE DUMB THAN USUAL.  
TT: Thank you Karkat. I believe I understand.  
CG: YOU BETTER. YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO LOWER MYSELF ENOUGH TO SPEAK TO YOUR LEVEL OF QUADRANT UNDERSTANDING?  
CG: BUT SERIOUSLY, IF YOU EVER MENTION WE HAD THIS TALK, I'LL  
BOIL YOUR EYES OUT.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] at 08:10 --

TT: Wait, Karkat?  
TT: Do you want to talk about Gamzee?  
TT: Dammit

*

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] at 07:15 --

TG: do you ever feel like youre being forgotten  
GC: NO  
TG: thats right youre blind  
TG: you probably stand alone talking to yourself about how great it is your friends are all here  
GC: TH4TS OFF3NS1V3 4ND V3RY HURTFUL D4V3  
GC: >:[  
TG: fine sorry  
GC: NOT 4CC3PT3D  
TG: what  
TG: you cant just not accept  
TG: in human culture thats tantamount to that most heinous of crimes  
GC: NO >:O  
TG: you got it  
TG: treason  
GC: YOU R33K OF 1NS1NC3R1TY  
TG: thats just the beer babe  
GC: B33R?  
TG: a human soporific that i just invented  
TG: reinvented  
GC: WHY D1DNT YOU S4Y SO 34RL13R!  
TG: sometimes i forget if youre blind or deaf  
TG: nothing you say makes any sense so i figure that instead of hearing what im saying youre just being whisked away into your imagination by my good looks  
TG: and imagining everything i say and responding that  
TG: tragically you will never lay eye on my handsome bod and you are still crazy  
GC: SOPOR1F1CS 4R3 H1GHLY 1LL3G4L!  
TG: see that doesnt have anything to do with what i was saying  
TG: wait what  
TG: i protest  
TG: that crazy clown had them  
TG: this is clear favoritism on part of the prosecutor  
GC: H1GHBLOODS H4V3 CL34R4NC3 FOR M3D1C1N4L PURPOS3S  
GC: WH1L3 YOU, M1ST3R MUT4NT AL13N, DO NOT H4V3 CL34R4NC3 TO 3X1ST!!  
TG: oh man  
TG: you caught me  
TG: sitting here illegally existing  
GC: 1 4M H34D1NG R1GHT OV3R TO CONF1SC4T3 TH3 GOODS  
TG: youll never catch me alive  
GC: 1 DONT N33D TO!

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 07:33 --

*

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 08:15 --

TT: Kanaya, we need to talk.  
GA: I Dont Know Why I Felt Such An Ancestral Fear At That Phrase  
GA: What Are We Talking About  
TT: Us.  
TT: Our matespritship.  
GA: The Ancestral Fear Now Feels Justified  
GA: All Senses Are Telling Me To Abscond Immediately

===> Reader: Skip the drama 

TT: I can not tell you how relieved I am.  
GA: I Want To Make This Work  
GA: I Feel Foolish For Not Realizing How Hard This Was On You  
TT: The important thing here is that we can start to work on it now.  
TT: I feel foolish for not realizing that the first known romantic relationship between two alien species involving adolescents would have bumps in the road.  
GA: As You Said Now We Can Work On It  
GA: But If I May Take A Moment To Congratulate You On Your Moirallegiance  
GA: Congratulations  
TT: Once again I feel as if I have been left out of the loop. What moirallegiance?  
GA: With Karkat  
GA: Im Sorry I Did Not Mean To Presume Anything  
GA: It Just Seemed  
GA: Well Karkat Is Rather Loose With His Pale Affections  
GA: But If He Took You Through All That It Just Strikes Me As Very Flirtatious  
GA: Though Considering The Events Of Today I Should Be Realizing That Im Not The Best Judge Of What Constitutes as Pale Affections

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the troll version of The Little Mermaid, Ursula, a mutant, had a huge blackcrush on Ariiel's ancestor, a fuschiablood, but was forced to remain on Earth come conscription, avoiding the drones by fleeing to the depths of the sea. Ariiel still fell in love with a highblooded landdweller, specifically an indigoblood, notorious for their hatred of the ruling class.  
> She went to Ursula to help, and Ursula removed her fins and gills, and switched their blood. Ursula now had beautiful fuschiablood, while Ariiel was no longer a seadweller, but a mutant, with slimy, inky black blood, the color of the darkest parts of the sea. The deal was that Ariiel had to woo Eirric without revealing her blood color. Due to how comfortable she is at the beach (just because it's troll Disney doesn't mean the revelations are very smart), he figures she's a seadweller, but manages to overcome his prejudice and pity her anyway, falling for her princess-like grace and beauty. Just like in human Disney, Ursula tries to seduce Eirric too (mostly to get at Ariiel, and thereby have the kismesistude she had never managed with Ariiel's ancestor, but also so their pact will fall through and she can remain a fuschiablood forever and take over the empire, killing her former blackcrush in the process).  
> After Eirric and Ariiel kiss, Ursula was overcome with jealousy at Ariiel managing to fill a quadrant, even though she's a mutant (propaganda, the moral is that Ariiel was *truely* a fuschia blood, and therefore was a regal princess even if her blood color was physically changed, and Ursula was a mutant down to her soul, making her evil even with fuschia blood) and stabs her through the back during the kiss. Eirric sees that the love of his life is a mutant, and culls her for treason her as is dictated by troll law. Then he kills Ursula, as revenge for revealing Ariiel's secret. As Ursula dies, her and Ariiel’s blood colors switch back, and Ariiel regains her fins and gills. Spattered in blood and having killed the heir apparent, Eirric realizes not only can he not live without Ariiel, but causing her death would mean he would be executed by His Honorable Tyranny anyway, and so he kills himself. The end.  
> Karkat's lusus banned it from his hive after one traumatic watching when Karkat was young and still hadn’t figured out that being a mutant was a Bad Thing and will snap the DVD in two if Karkat ever comes home with a copy. Karkat insists on watching it everytime he goes over to anyone’s hive. He only barely stops himself from crying every time, and on one notable occasion burst into tears when Ursula killed Ariiel at Eridan’s hive. Luckily, Eridan was also crying and didn’t notice. It's a dangerous life Karkat leads, and no one but Ariiel understands.


	15. THE SEQUEL TO THE BULLSHIT

\-- gallowsCalibrator began trolling turntechGodhead at 12:14 --

GC: GAMZ33 B3 L1KE HTTP://160.T1NYP1C.COM/4k387d.JPG  
TT: 404 babe  
GC: OUT OF A HUNDR3D  
TT: no  
TT: that page doesnt exist  
GC: YOU H4V3 TO TAK3 OUT MY QU1RK STUP1D  
TT: theres no way i want to see it that much  
TT: there has got to be an easier way to sext  
GC: }:\  
GC: http://i60.tinypic.com/4ke87d.jpg  
TT: yo t-dawg I’m really happy for you and imma let you finish but my manip is the best manip of all time  
TT: of all time  
TT: and look i linked it in there like a normal human being  
GC: NO 1TS MOR3 LIKE TH1S

 

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 13:44 --

TT: After doing an extensive review of my notes and hitting my head repeatedly against an extremely solid table, I have pinpointed our main problem.  
TT: We get off topic a lot. I’m sure you have noticed it, considering you are the number one perpetrator of diversion.  
CG: I’M AFRAID I CAN’T CONTROL YOUR REACTIONS TO MY EXTREME ATTRACTIVENESS. YOUR LEGIONS OF LOYAL FANS WAITING FOR YOUR INDISPENSABLE INSTALLMENT OF SCHOLARLY TROLL TEXT FROM A HUMAN PERSPECTIVE WILL JUST HAVE TO FIRMLY GRASP THEIR TITS AND WRANGLE THEM TO THE GROUND, BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO DISTRACTED BY THE INTENSE HEAT RADIATING FROM YOUR LOINS AT THE MERE SIGHT OF ME TO POSSIBLY WRITE ANOTHER WORD, LET ALONE ASK ME INTRUSIVE, ANNOYING, AND UNNECESSARY QUESTIONS.  
TT: That little rant raises a whole new load of questions, negative adjectives implicit. A veritable omnibus of meddlesome inquiries, if you will.  
TT: But the most pressing is what exactly you think a tit is and why you think my fans need to have theirs wrangled like they’re rogue horses about to be vigorously and physically chastised by an inebriated cowboy.  
CG: PLEASE, HUMAN, HAVE YOU NOT HEARD YOUR OWN TELLURIC IDIOM “CALM YOUR TITS”?  
TT: I am cowed by your far superior knowledge of my home culture.  
TT: But before you completely annihilate me on my own turf, may I point out that not five minutes into our tête-à-tête we are stranded hopelessly in a field of non-sequiturs, far away from the comforting country lane of our main topic.  
CG: WELCOME TO THE BEAUTY OF CONVERSATION. MANY FIND CONVERSING WITH A SIGNIFICANT OTHER DELIGHTFUL, OR AT LEAST DIVERTING IN A WAY THAT CAN PASS FOR ENJOYMENT TO THE UNWARY.  
CG: THE FLUIDITY OF WORDS AND EXCHANGE OF VAPID PLEASANTRIES HAS BEEN OFT TOUTED AS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF A BUDDING RELATIONSHIP BY MANY EXPERTS.  
TT: If we must retrogress to theories endorsed by shady experts, let me lay Grice’s Maxims upon our shaky debate table of conversational etiquette.  
TT: Incidentally, this would be the same table I was banging my head on prior to this absolutely delightful parlance.  
TT: Specifically, the maxim of relation, though you could do with a refresher in all four.  
CG: PLEASE DO NOT SHOVE YOUR RUDIMENTARY HUMAN KNOWLEDGE AT ME.  
TT: Oh, please accept my deepest apologies. I know your brain is in fragile condition, I should have thought before I unwittingly acted to push it off it’s precarious totem of existence with even a single pittance of knowledge.  
CG: IF YOU’RE SO INVESTED IN STRIPPING OUR FRANKLY EFFERVESCENT CONVERSATIONS TO THEIR MERE BONES, PLEASE, BY ALL MEANS, TELL ME WHY YOU ARE TROLLING.  
TT: Gladly.  
TT: I'm going to admit that starting a long tradition of cultural exchange with taboos was not the wisest of decisions.  
CG: SAY YOU WERE WRONG.  
TT: I just did.  
CG: NO, SAY IT LIKE SOMEONE WHO ISN'T A ROBOT MASQUERADING AS AN ARMCHAIR PSYCHOLOGIST WITH A PREDILECTION FOR THE UNSAVORY. SAY "I WAS WRONG."  
TT: You have my admission of guilt right there. Why bother with the exact phrasing?  
CG: WHY ARE *YOU* BOTHERED?  
TT: That isn't exactly what I meant by bothered.  
CG: POLYSEMY, LOOK IT UP. JUST SAY THAT YOU WERE WRONG AND WE CAN QUIT THIS WHOLE FARCE.  
TT: Fine. I was wrong.  
TT: But don't forget I can see when you post things to the group memos.  
CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU THINK I'M THAT UNTRUSTWORTHY. MY OWN PERSONAL SCREENSHOT IS ALL I NEED.  
TT: Moving on, I've decided to research 1) More specific topics, 2) Topics with less potential to offend.  
CG: WEREN'T YOU WRITING A BOOK ON SBURB MECHANICS? A POTENTIALLY USEFUL BOOK?  
TT: There are many hours in the day/night.  
TT: And the topic is...Hemocaste, starting with that of the mutant.  
CG: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE JOKING. THAT'S YOUR TOPIC WITH LESS POTENTIAL TO OFFEND? THAT'S AS OFFENSIVE AS  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT OUR EXPRESSION FOR OFFENSIVE IS??? "THAT'S AS OFFENSIVE AS A MUTANT GRUB IN THE BROODING CAVERNS." MUTATION IS THE PINNACLE OF OFFENSIVE.  
CG: ACCUSING SOMEONE OF BEING A MUTANT IS SO BEYOND SCHOOLYARD INSULTS THAT IF THE ACCUSER TURNS OUT TO BE WRONG, THEY'RE AUTOMATICALLY SLATED FOR EXECUTION. THAT'S HOW OFFENSIVE IT IS. YOU LITERALLY DIE FOR MENTIONING IT.  
CG: EVERY VILLAIN IN EVERY BOOK AND EVERY MOVIE WAS A MUTANT. EVEN PUPA PAN, WHICH WAS NOT ONLY REGARDED AS THE TAMEST, LEAST VIOLENT THING A WIGGLER COULD READ, BUT WAS ALSO BANNED FOR HAVING SUBVERSIVE MATERIAL, HAD A MUTANT BLOODED PIRATE ANTAGONIST. YOU'D THINK A BOOK THAT SO SHAMELESSLY COPIED THE SUMMONER'S REVOLUTION WOULD HAVE SOME SYMPATHY IN ITS COLD HEARTED PAGES FOR A POOR BLOOD MUTANT.  
CG: EVEN THE VILLAIN IN TROLL TITANIC WAS A MUTANT, AND THAT WAS A FUCKING ICEBERG.  
CG: YOU FREAKED OUT ABOUT EATING GRUBS? MUTANTS ARE HOW THE WHOLE THING STARTED!! THE CONDESCE EATS MUTANT GRUBCORN WHILE CREATING ANTI-MUTANT PROPAGANDA.  
CG: MUTANT HUNTING USED TO BE A POPULAR HIGHBLOOD PASTIME BEFORE, GET THIS, EVERYONE WAS SHIPPED OFF PLANET *BECAUSE OF A MUTANT.*  
TT: Was that a refusal or were you just offering up information rather sporadically?  
CG: THAT WAS A REFUSAL WRITTEN ON LEAF THIN GRUB SKIN, PAINTED WITH MY OWN DISGUSTING BLOOD AND SHOVED DIRECTLY UP YOUR WASTE CHUTE.  
TT: Don't you want to make your suffering known?  
CG: MY SUFFERING IS KNOWN WITH EVERY WORD I TYPE.  
TT: That was oddly poetic, coming from you.  
TT: Alright, if you absolutely refuse, I'll move on to my next topic idea.  
CG: YOU'RE ACTUALLY DROPPING IT? JUST BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?  
TT: You act like I'm some sort of monster, Karkat.  
TT: Next on my brainstorming list is: religion.  
CG: YOU'RE JUST REALLY BAD AT THINKING OF NON-OFFENSIVE TOPICS, AREN'T YOU. I CAN RELUCTANTLY ACCEPT THAT YOU MAY NOT OF HAD ANY CASTE SYSTEM ON EARTH, OR AT LEAST NOT ONE I'M AWARE OF, EVEN IF YOU ARE THE TOP RANKED FEMALE AND COINCIDENTALLY, ALSO THE ONE THAT TYPES IN WHAT IS CLOSEST TO ROYAL PURPLE SEEN IN A HUMAN WHILE DAVE IS THE DREG OF EVERY SOCIETY EVER AND WRITES IN RED.  
CG: BUT I CAN'T ACCEPT THAT RELIGION WAS A PEACEFUL, HEARTY-ASS SLAPPING PRAYERFEST, EVEN ON EARTH.  
TT: There were arguments, especially back in the middle ages, but it wasn't like anyone kept their beliefs secret.  
TT: Or many people. At least in America. Unless you weren't a WASP, I suppose.  
TT: But I think it's an important subject to look into, especially because of its potential to offend, because there are a thousand social pitfalls we humans could fall into while trying to traverse the dangerous road of a simple conversation.  
CG: I THINK SBURB TAUGHT MOST OF US THAT THE GODS ARE DEAD, AND WE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE KILLED THEM. I KNOW WE KILLED AT LEAST ONE.  
CG: BESIDES, DAVE FELL INTO THAT PARTICULAR PITFALL AGES AGO.  
TT: You're not going to refuse every topic I suggest. It's theology or mutants.  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT A NON-OFFENSIVE TOPIC WOULD BE? HERBOLOGY. GOOD OLD ALTERNIAN PLANT LIFE. KANAYA LIKED TOPIARIES. SHE COULD TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE SPIDER VINES AND GLASS SHRUBS AND THE CORRECT BIOLOGICAL MAKEUP OF A LAWN RING. THE EXACT CHEMICAL BALANCE NEEDED TO PREVENT THE HAZARD LEAVES FROM EMITTING RADIOACTIVE TOXINS. WHICH FLOWERS KEPT AWAY THE UNDEAD.  
TT: Even I don't care about herbology. Now choose.  
CG: AS A LAWLESS HEATHEN MUTANT, I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW THAT MUCH ABOUT RELIGION. GAMZEE'S THE ZEALOT HERE. SCOOT YOUR PERT LITTLE ASS INTO A VENTILATION SHAFT AND SEE IF YOU CAN SURVIVE A HEARTY DISCUSSION ABOUT THE CULT.  
TT: It seems to me you're saying you want to talk mutants.  
CG: DON'T FOOL YOURSELF, LALONDE. I'M JUST SAYING YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET MANY USEFUL NOTES OUT OF ME.  
CG: MAYBE I'LL BE SO USELESS YOU'LL NEVER INTERVIEW ME AGAIN?  
TT: Please do not get your hopes up.  
CG: THE LEADING CULT WAS THAT OF THE MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS, WHICH INVOLVED CLOWNS, FAYGO, GREASEPAINT, AND PRESUMABLY JUGGLING. I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF THERE WERE IMPROBABLY-PROPORTIONED SHOES AND AT LEAST ONE DIMENSIONALLY TRANSCENDENTAL CAR.  
CG: IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT JUGGALOS, SERIOUSLY, TALK TO GAMZEE. BUT TELL SOMEONE FIRST SO IF YOU GO MISSING NO ONE WASTES TIME LOOKING FOR YOU.  
TT: Because I would be safe enough with Gamzee, and no one would have to worry about me?  
CG: HE USED TO TRY TO STEAL KANAYA WHILE SHE WAS SLEEPING AND WE ONLY FOUND A SCREW WE THINK WAS FROM TAVROS'S LEG AND THE GLASS FROM ERIDAN'S OCULAR GLOBE CORRECTIONAL DEVICE.  
TT: Oh.  
CG: SUBJUGGULATOR MYTHOLOGY IS NIGH INCOMPREHENSIBLE TO ANYONE WHO ISN'T SO HOPPED UP ON FAYGO THEY THINK HEART ATTACKS ARE CARDIOVASCULAR MIRACLES AND GENOCIDE IS AN ACCEPTABLE INTERIOR DECORATING TECHNIQUE.  
CG: SOMETHING ABOUT THE DARK CARNIVAL. I HAVE NO IDEA IF THAT'S ABOUT THEIR AFTERLIFE OR JUST SOME RANDOM NUTJOB NAME FOR SOME GREASE SMEARED THING. I HAVE BEEN WELCOMED TO IT A FUCKLOAD OF TIMES.  
TT: How does one become a subjuggulator?  
CG: WELL, YOU BECOME A *SUBJUGGULATOR* BY GOING THROUGH TRAINING AND PASSING A TEST? DETAILS ARE SKETCHY, BUT I ASSUME THEY HAVE SOME TRAINING THOUGH IT WOULD NOT BE UNLIKE ALTERNIA TO INTRUST THE PUNISHMENT OF EVERY TROLL EVER TO SOME UNTRAINED WACKJOB CLOWNS WHO BELIEVE THAT DEATH AND SUFFERING IS HOW YOU GET TO JUGGALO HEAVEN.  
CG: YOU BECOME A *JUGGALO* BY BEING BORN LAND-DWELLING PURPLE.  
TT: This is caste specific? No one else?  
TT: And subjuggulating is a government job?  
CG: OF COURSE IT IS. SUBJUGGULATORS PERFORM MOST STATE-ORDAINED CULLING, AND LOTS OF NOT ORDAINED CULLING. THEY'RE THE REAPERS OF THE FOLD.  
CG: AND I DOUBT ANY LOWBLOODS WOULD BE DUMB ENOUGH TO JOIN. THEY'D BASICALLY KILL ANYONE WHO GETS IN THEIR WAY, OCCUPIES THE SAME UNIVERSE AS THEM, UNLESS THEY ABSOLUTELY CAN'T.  
CG: IF IT SAYS ANYTHING, I WAS ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED WHEN I TALKED TO GAMZEE FOR THE FIRST TIME.  
CG: AND SEADWELLERS HATE ANYTHING THAT HAVE TO DO WITH LANDWELLERS. ICP WAS THE OFFICIAL ALTERNIAN RELIGION AND EVEN )(IC THOUGHT IT WAS DISGUSTING, ACCORDING TO RUMORS.  
TT: Alternia's government seems more and more inefficient the more you talk about it.  
CG: THE CULT WAS ACTUALLY INEXPLICABLY OBSCURE AND EVERYONE HATED IT.  
TT: Obscure?  
CG: IT’S SORT OF HARD TO EXPLAIN. IT WAS OBVIOUSLY FAMOUS, AND IT’S NOT LIKE PEOPLE DIDN’T TALK ABOUT IT OUTSIDE SUBJUGGULATOR HEARING, BUT OBSCURE’S THE ONLY WAY TO DESCRIBE IT.  
CG: THERE WAS THE CULT OF THE SUMMONER, WHICH WAS REALLY JUST EXTREMELY WEAK ALL AROUND. IT WAS BASICALLY LIMITED TO NERD-ASS CAVAREAPER WANNABES WHO THOUGHT PUPA PAN WAS A MIRACLE OF HEMOEQUALTY AND THAT FAIRIES WERE REAL.  
TT: You mentioned a Summoner's Revolution earlier?  
CG: RUSTBLOODS GOT SICK OF BEING TREATED LIKE DIRT, BLAH BLAH BLAH WINGED TROLL INSPIRED HOPE BLAH BLAH BLAH HIGHBLOODS MERCILESSLY CRUSH REVOLUTION ADULTS EXILED TO SPACE RUSTS TREATED EVEN MORE  
LIKE DIRT THE END.  
CG: IT'S NOT ONLY BORING BUT EXTREMELY CONTRABAND AND I REALLY ONLY KNOW WHAT ERIDAN MENTIONED OFFHAND.  
TT: Are there any that aren't caste-specific?  
CG: UM.  
CG: THERE'S ONE BUT I'M SURE YOU HAVE OTHER THINGS TO TALK ABOUT WITH OTHER PEOPLE BYE <>

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] at 14:34 --

TT: ... <>?

*

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering terminallyCapricious [TC] at 14:56 --

TT: Hello, Gamzee. Would you care to answer a few questions about your cult?  
TC: it aint no mother fucking cult sister  
TC: IT'S THE ONE TRUE WAY AS TOLD IN THE MOTHERUCKING PROPHICIES  
TC: and why should i be up and telling you about any of the wicked miracles  
TC: WHEN YOU SNATCHED MY PALEBRO AWAY WITH THEM WICKED CLAWS OF YOURS  
TT: You're not a true evangelist, to be so caught up in my perceived wrongdoings to you when you could be converting a new initiate. Besides, you broke up with him.  
TC: youre not interested in the blessed writ  
TC: YOU WANT TO TAKE MY MOTHER FUCKING WORDS AND TWIST EM ALL AROUND  
TC: you want to inscribe the truest text in those heathenous books of yours till a readers head is so twisted he cant recognize hes reading  
TC: THE HOLIEST  
TC: of mother fucking  
TC: GOSPELS  
TT: You're right that I'm not interested in being down with clown, but nor am I in discrediting your beliefs.  
TT: Believe me, I have better things to do then poke holes in a religion frequented solely by hopped-up clowns. It'd be like shooting a paralyzed monkey in the head.  
TC: you say that now  
TC: BUT IF THATS NOT THE FUNNIEST OF LIES  
TC: do you see me up and laughing girl  
TC: YOU FUCKING SAY THAT YOU'RE NOT DOWN WITH THE CLOWN  
TC: were all down with the clown  
TC: EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US  
TC: question is  
TC: IF YOU GET UP BLOODY WITH THE TEARS AND GUTS OF THE UNWORTHY  
TC: or not at all  
TC: hOnK

\-- terminallyCapricious [TC] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] at 15:18 --

*  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 15:30 --

TT: Karkat?  
CG: NOPE. 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] at 15:30 --

*

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering terminallyCapricious [TC] at 17:21 --

TT: I understand that our last conversation went outstandingly badly, but if you won't tell me about the Mirthful Messiahs, can you tell me about the cult Karkat's so diligently avoiding talking to me about?  
TT: C'mon, are you a clown or a mime?  
TC: girl, why you gotta be botherin me about this? :o(  
TC: you got that hateful green bitch mackin on your throat globes  
TC: SO GET YOUR MOTHER FUCKING FEMURS SHIMMYING AWAY  
TT: Truthfully, I find your method of speech refreshing.  
TC: im gonna be motherfucking refreshed  
TC: WHEN I'M SNAPPING YOUR DAINTY PINK BONES  
TT: You're the prime religious authority here, I can tell.  
TT: I'm not sure about anything regarding this cult except there's members from all castes and Karkat loathes it.  
TC: girl, it motherfucking boggles the pan how you stole my bro away  
TC: HE AIN'T GO HIS HATE ON  
TC: my bro fears the cult  
TC: CAUSE MY BRO IS THEIR SACRED HEIR  
TC: or whatever those heathenous motherfuckers got by a throne  
TT: What?  
TC: you be getting your  
TC: FUCKING IGNORANT  
TC: flap around the cult of the signless  
TC: AND THAT OF THE SUFFERER  
TC: who wrote his gospel of peace in his own blood  
TC: BLOOD LIKE THE BLOOD OF THE ANIMALS  
TC: blood lower than the low  
TC: AND IF YOU GET YOUR LISTEN ON TO THE CRAZY MOTHER FUCKERS WHO WORSHIP BY HIS WORD  
TC: higher than the high  
TT: Why does Karkat fear it?  
TC: hOlY fUcKiIng ShIiIiIiIit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
TT: Excuse me?  
TC: WrAnGlE ThOsE TiTs, SiStEr  
TC: A MoThErFuCkEr jUsT StEpPeD On a hOnK DeViCe

TC: EvErYtHiNg sAcReD HaS ThE SuBsTaNcE Of dReAmS AnD MeMoRiEs, AnD So eAcH aNd EvErY mOtHeRfUcKeR, nO mAtTeR hOw HeatHeNoUs  
TC: be they a ho-titty licking blood brothers  
TC: OR THE WORST OF INFIDELS  
TC: ExPeRiEnCe tHe mIrAcLe oF WhAt iS SePaRaTeD FrOm uS By tImE Or dIsTaNcE SuDdEnLy bEiNg mAdE TaNgIbLe. DrEaMs, MeMoRiEs, ThE SaCrEd - tHeY ArE AlL AlIkE In tHaT ThEy aRe bEyOnD OuR GrAsP. oNcE We aRe eVeN MaRgInAlLy sEpArAtEd fRoM WhAt A mOtHeRfUcKeR CaN ToUcH, tHe oBjEcT Is sAnCtIfIeD; iT AcQuIrEs tHe bEaUtY Of tHe uNaTtAiNaBlE, tHe qUaLiTy oF BeInG MiRaCuLoUs. EvErYtHiNg, ReAlLy, HaS ThIs qUaLiTy oF SaCrEdNeSs, BuT We cAn dEsEcRaTe iT At a tOuCh. So eVeRy jAcKeD Up fReAk tRoLl bEtTeR Be pRePaReD FoR SoMe hElLiCiOuS ScOuRgInG In tHe eNd. HiS ToUcH DeFiLeS AnD YeT He cOnTaInS ThE SoUrCe oF MiRaClEs.

 

 

 

 

ROSE: Hello. It's Kankri, isn't it?  
KANKRI: That's c9rrect. Y9ure the human wh9's m9irails with my dancest9r, aren’t y9u? I must say, I d9n’t appr9ve. I 6elieve he had a tr9ll m9irail 6ef9re y9u, which is a much healthier relati9nship f9r a y9ung tr9ll t9 6e in, d9n’t y9u think? Interspecies relati9nships are, 9f c9urse, extremely pr9gressive 6ut I d9 want the 6est f9r my descendent (#interspecies relati9nships #relati9nships #pity #quadrants #9pini9n #seri9usly what d9es he see #a6leism #6lindness)  
KANKRI: 9h, excuse me, I seem t9 have g9tten ahead 9f myself, Miss Lal9nde. Y9u’ll have t9 find it within y9urself t9 f9rgive me (#triggers ah9y #9cean #sea #pirate #slang)  
ROSE: Of course.  
KANKRI: D9 y9u have any triggers y9u wish me t9 watch 9ut f9r? I kn9w many pe9ple aren’t even aware 9f their triggers 6ef9re I p9int them 9ut, 6ut I make the eff9rt t9 c9ncede t9 my listener’s needs all the same. If y9u d9n’t kn9w a69ut triggers, I’ll 6e happy t9 explain. I was just giving Karkat a crash c9urse (n9t meaning t9 summ9n up any images 9f literal crashes, included that 9f car crashes, p9st-s9p9rific 9r 9ther mind altering su6stance crashes, 9r crushes, and if any 9f th9se happen t9 6e y9ur triggers I’ll ap9l9gize in advance and make a n9te s9 it d9es n9t happen again) in s9cial justice, which I admit was much needed. He seems t9 have disappeared 9ff s9mewhere th9ugh, which is m9st distur6ing. I h9pe he’s n9t with Meenah, 9f all tr9lls, wh9 is n9t the parag9n 9f g99d 6ehavi9r I w9uld want any impressi9na6le y9ung tr9ll t9 “hang” with, 6ut that's a wh9ly different can of dirt n99dles.  
KANKRI: 6ut as his m9irail, I suggest learning the same material as him, s9 y9u tw9 can discuss it t9gether. As a human, d9u6ly s9, c9nsidering there is much unchecked privilege just 6y 6eing the species that y9u are (#speciesism #check y9 self 6ef9re y9u wreck y9 self #appr9priati9n #lectures #m9irallegiance).  
ROSE: You’re offer is extremely hard to resist. I actually feel my feet being glued to the ground like some quicksand of hashtags and trigger warnings, which I have no idea how you manage to insert into a conversation while we are actually, physically speaking to each other.  
ROSE: Not, of course, many to offend or marginalize anyone who, through various reasons, has ended up as less than corporeal, not to imply that incorporeal bodies are any “less” than corporeal ones, or those who have never had access to a physical form of for reasons of their own, have not taken the chance to gain one, once again not meaning to imply that a physical body is something to “gain” and an incorporeal one is something to “lose”.  
ROSE: But I came here for a different conversation than the one you are offering. I tried to talk on the topic of mutants with Karkat, but he was remarkably spry about evading the subject.  
ROSE: I’ve heard warnings about engaging in conversations with you because of your legendarily verbose nature, but that is just the trait I’m looking for. Do you care to shed a light on the topic where Karkat did not?  
KANKRI: While it’s n9t my place t9 interfere with y9ur m9irallegiance (n9 matter h9w pr96lematic I pers9nally 6elieve it t9 6e), I am ecstatic t9 find s9me9ne else interested in the pursuit 9f justice, even that 9f #mutants (which y9u will s99n learn is a slur f9r a myriad 9f reas9ns, 6ut we will use it this 9nce f9r lack 9f a replacement). Th9ugh this t9pic in n9 d9u6t su6verts the caste specific hardships faced 6y 9n-spectrum 6U9Ys, CIPs, and the R9yal-Vs, 9r, making an assumpti9n that we are referring t9 6l99d mutati9n (9n the gr9unds that y9u are 9pening a discussi9n regarding Karkat’s and my 9wn particular “mutati9n”), th9se that are faced 6y th9se with m9re 9utwardly physical mutati9ns, like wings 9r multiple h9rns t9 name a few (with9ut referencing any particular pers9nages wh9 may p9ssess these unf9rtunate defects), 9r a sens9ry mutati9n als9 kn9wn as “mutati9n as a result 9f injury,” generally regarding the l9ss 9f a cardinal sense 6ut als9 that of lim6s which is physical mutati9n again). (#mutati9n #slurs #defects #cull6ait #culling #latula #mituna #rufi9h #self examinati9n)  
KANKRI: Really, w9uld y9u n9t rather talk ab9ut a m9re relevant t9pic? Y9u're 9wn privledge, especially. R9se, may I call y9u R9se?, humans are 9ften unaware 9f their 9wn 6enefits, granted to them solely 6y measure 9f 6irth. Why, my 9wn g99d friend Cr9nus is -  
ROSE: That's no doubt enlightening, but please stop avoiding the topic. You may be able to pull wool over the eyes of the people who don't actually listen to what you're saying, but I've had years of practice of listening and analyzing what incredibly dense conversation diverters say.  
ROSE: Do not think that talking about your own problems belays checking your privilege. At the least, uncheck it for awhile. It will make it all the more rewarding to go back and check it.


End file.
